This may not seem like much to anyone else, but I (and I know others have too) struggled with self-image. I've always felt like I would be bashed for how I look, just because I didn't think I could do anything about it. Losing weight was too hard. I've never liked wearing make-up, I didn't like the thought that I would be called ugly if I was wearing it and then decided to stop, so I just never really started. I've always had a weird way of wearing clothes. I had my own style and though all the girls thought I looked weird, I did notice how my fashion spread around.

But more than the outward appearance, I've been worried about what people had to say about my personality. I've been weird since I can remember. I've never once considered myself as just average. When I was young I was friends with anybody and everybody that would play with me. I had popular friends and then unpopular or friends of the weird class. But there is one experience I remember about my childhood that set up the rest of my life. I remember one day being pulled at each arm in a different direction, where my two best friends were demanding my attention. They were of different "categories" if I can use that word, one was popular and one wasn't. They were fighting over who I should play with that day. They didn't stop until an adult came over to stop them. I, the next day, lost my popular friend because I chose to play with my not popular friend on the day they fought over me. That was literally the deciding moment on who I would spend my time on.

Anyway, that little story being said, I've always identified with the weird group. But I'm also what they call a perfectionist. Although it may not sound serious, it really is. It hurts anytime I'm not liked by everyone and if I fail or make one mistake I fall into a depressed state, thinking that I'm the worst human being alive. And on top of that, I always thought that is what God wanted. If I made a mistake, I thought that any emotional or physical pain I felt was God punishing me for that mistake or failure. Now, I know that isn't true, but for so long I believed that God demanded perfection all day, all night, all the time and I didn't know how to deal with that. I found myself struggling to reach my own expectations, so I found myself falling away from God while still holding on to him. Which seems strange, but its like going through the motions of what people define as "Christianity" without having a relationship with God. He was like something far away that didn't want any part of me that wasn't perfect, or so I thought.

I'm so many different people, not that personality disorder, but one person being pulled by so many different ways of thinking and acting. Not to make my problems sound worse than any other person because I know it must be hard, but I find myself envious of those people who have a multi-personality disorder. It is just that I feel like they are still in one set mind, even though they have many. They may be many different people, but they are only one person at a time, if that makes sense. I understand that it must be so hard to deal with that disorder, I'm not making light of the issue.

Anyway, I am slowly overcoming my perfectionist nature, which is difficult, but I've realized that it is the cause of much of my struggles with trusting God.

So, thank the Lord my Father.
Rejoice in the Father of Heaven, the King above all Kings who has called me His daughter. My young dream has come true. I am a Princess. I'm beautiful, creative, worth life and death. I'm broken with the biggest heart with the Almighty God at my side as my shield and Hes got my back.
Amen and Hallelujah!