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 Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2016 9:51 pm
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Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁Where am I? Elli's Flat
Who am I with? Hopefully Elli
What am I doing? Being drunk
What am I thinking? I can do this, really, I can...
Who's Important to me? Elliott Holt
What am I wearing? Bad Choices▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁
Jesse had made his decision. Really made it, and he couldn't really change it at this point. Not with how much he'd drunk. He'd been lucky he'd managed to apparate without splinching himself, to be honest. He did find himself on the ground though, which had led to a giggling fit that lasted for a good ten minutes. Mostly because it was so ******** hilarious! He lay there for another few minutes, calming down before standing, only to nearly trip while standing. Recovering himself, he managed to walk unsteadily up to the Neep, knowing he knew the way with his eyes closed since he'd been working there since fourth year. He did stumble a bit climbing the stairs though, and he caught the railing fast enough to avoid going over it. He straightened again, and managed to get to the door without too much trouble.
He did have to lean against the door frame to keep upright, though. Part of him wondered how pissed Kenneth would be with him when he discovered the liqueur cabinet raided and nearly empty. Then again, Jesse knew just how much it would take to actually get drunk. It was a lot, and he knew that he could probably drink regularly if he wanted to without being really affected, but he wasn't going to do it. Not unless that was what Elli wanted. He could get drunk though. At least this time. Raising a fist, he knocked, first normally, and then he giggled and started knocking out a song he'd heard once when he was younger. It had a fun beat, to be honest! He just hoped that Elli was home because otherwise this would be a very awkward thing to explain to Kenneth when he opened the shop in the morning and Jesse was asleep on the stairs.
▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁
OOC:
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
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Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2016 10:26 pm
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╓xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xx» wнere «xx
xxxLiving Room
xxxxxxxx» wιтн «xx
xxxxxxxxxJesse
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx» ғeelιng «xx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxConcerned
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx╜
ïƒ ø ṉ l ÿ ÿøυ'ḋ hαṿε ќ ṉ ø ώ ṉ ṃε вεƒøɾε τhε α с с ï ḋ ε ṉ τ xxxxxxxxxxxx
ƒøɾ ώïτh τhατ ģɾαṉḋ с ø l l ï ṡ ï ø ṉ сαṃε α ģɾαṿε с ø ṉ ṡ ε σ υ ε ṉ с ε xxxxxxxxx
ɾεсερτøɾṡ ø ṿ ε ɾ l ø α ḋ ε ḋ, τhεÿ в υ ɾ ṡ τ αṉḋ ḋ ï ṡ с ø ṉ ṉ ε с τ xxxxxx
'τïl τhεɾε ώαṡ l ï τ τ l ε ƒεεlïṉģ, ρlεαṡε ώ ø ɾ ќ ώïτh ώhατ ïṡ l ε ƒ τ xxx
════════════════════════════════════════════╗
spaceElliott had ignored the crack of apparation when it sounded through the village; Hogsmeade being the only all-wizarding settlement in the whole of the UK, the sound wasn't uncommon at all hours. He had been, unsurprisingly, reading, when he heard the knock at his door. That was a little more unusual, given that he hadn't had much in the way of visitors. Ken came by on occasion, but only ever after he'd closed up the shop for the night, and that had been hours ago. Jesse had been issued an open invitation when he'd moved in, but had yet to take it. Elliott was, on the one hand, not remotely surprised by that fact. But, that didn't stop him from worrying about it incessantly. When he'd explained to the redhead what he was doing and why, there'd been none of the arguing he'd braced himself for. It'd seemed almost comical, the amount of time he'd spent talking himself into a corner so that nothing Jesse said would change his mind... and then there'd been nothing. Jesse had almost seemed like he'd accepted it before Elli had even said anything, which was alarming, to say the least. The Ravenclaw didn't know what to make of that, other than being terrified that Jesse had secretly been miserable and actually wanted him to leave.
spaceHe didn't know what to expect when he opened the door, but an obviously drunk, giggling Jesse was not it. His mouth set into a tight line, gut twisting. First time he'd seen his boyfriend since he'd moved out, and the guy was a mess. Jesse didn't drink, dammit, had essentially torn Elli a new one for the one time at the party, and yet here he was. And could he even still say they were together? Was there a limit on how long you could go without talking or seeing someone where you just had to admit that it was over? Not that he should be worrying about that right now, because Jesse was in fact at his door, drunk. He hesitated slightly before reaching out and grabbing the Slytherin's hand. "Get in here," he said, tone made harsh by the edge of worry. He pulled Jesse inside, and shut the door behind him. "Wha... What are you doing?" he asked. The question felt incomplete, somehow. The word 'here' seemed to hang in the air, but so did an additional question about what the hell had gotten into him. Elliott's initial assumption would be that he was the reason Jesse was drunk, since he'd shown up at his doorstep and all, but the Ravenclaw was fairly certain he wouldn't be snickering like that if that were the case. More like he'd be crying, or yelling, banging on the door so loudly it'd wake the neighbors. So what in the hell was going on?
╚════════════════════════════════════════════
xxx øh ï ṉεεḋ ṉøτ вε ƒ l α τ τ ε ɾ ε ḋ τhατ ÿøυ'ṿε ṉ ε ṿ ε ɾ вεεṉ h ε ɾ ε вεƒøɾε
xxxxxx ṡø τhεɾε'ṡ ṉø ṉ ε ε ḋ τø ṃ ε ṉ τ ï ø ṉ τhατ ÿøυ'ṿε ṉø ƒ ï ɾ ṡ τ ṡ αṉÿṃøɾε
xxxxxxxxx вυτ ïƒ ÿøυ l ε τ ṃε вε ÿøυɾ ṡ ќ ÿ l ï ṉ ε, ï'll lετ ÿøυ вε τhε ώ α ṿ ε
xxxxxxxxxxxx τhατ ɾ ε ḋ υ с ε ṡ ṃε τø ɾ υ в в l ε, τhατ løøќεḋ ṡ α ƒ ε ƒɾøṃ ƒαɾ α ώ α ÿ
 xx» ╳ ♥ ╳ «xx xx» oυт oғ cнaracтer «xx speak now
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Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2016 10:45 pm
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Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁Where am I? Elli's Flat
Who am I with? Hopefully Elli
What am I doing? Being drunk
What am I thinking? I can do this, really, I can...
Who's Important to me? Elliott Holt
What am I wearing? Bad Choices▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁
Jesse giggled as soon as Elli had opened the door, a goofy smile on his face as he stumbled in after the brunette. The moment the door closed, however, he turned around, whistling low. He hadn't been up in here, and he had a moment to think if he had pleaded with Elli about it, maybe they could have lived here together. Just their own little private place. However, he had a more important task, and when he faced Elli again, he stepped closer to Elli and kissed him as passionately as he could, since maybe that might give Elli his answer. However, the act was a bit sloppy and Jesse didn't notice, instead pulling away long enough to look into Elli's eyes.
"'M fixing things. Me. Us. Whichever. Witch-ever." He giggled, and his hands rose to start fiddling with Elli's shirt buttons. Dang things were tricky. Probably not as tricky as his boots, but Elli could help with those, right? "I's not like I haven't wanted to. I just never knew you wanted it. An' I know I'm an uptight a*****e about it, so..." He snickered, laying his forehead on Elli's shoulder. "Uptight a*****e. That's a funny thing to describe me as." He resumed working on the buttons, frowning. They were really tricky tonight. Might be a good idea to let Elli do this for him. "But anyway, I thought I just needed to. You know. Loosen up. So..." He grinned lopsided, hoping that maybe that worked.
▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁
OOC:
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
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Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2016 7:57 pm
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╓xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xx» wнere «xx
xxxLiving Room
xxxxxxxx» wιтн «xx
xxxxxxxxxJesse
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx» ғeelιng «xx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxConcerned
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx╜
ïƒ ø ṉ l ÿ ÿøυ'ḋ hαṿε ќ ṉ ø ώ ṉ ṃε вεƒøɾε τhε α с с ï ḋ ε ṉ τ xxxxxxxxxxxx
ƒøɾ ώïτh τhατ ģɾαṉḋ с ø l l ï ṡ ï ø ṉ сαṃε α ģɾαṿε с ø ṉ ṡ ε σ υ ε ṉ с ε xxxxxxxxx
ɾεсερτøɾṡ ø ṿ ε ɾ l ø α ḋ ε ḋ, τhεÿ в υ ɾ ṡ τ αṉḋ ḋ ï ṡ с ø ṉ ṉ ε с τ xxxxxx
'τïl τhεɾε ώαṡ l ï τ τ l ε ƒεεlïṉģ, ρlεαṡε ώ ø ɾ ќ ώïτh ώhατ ïṡ l ε ƒ τ xxx
════════════════════════════════════════════╗
spaceElliott didn't know what to think when Jesse's lips collided with his own. Initially, there wasn't much to think of at all, because his boyfriend was snogging him for the first time in what felt like an eternity and he didn't want to argue with it. Unfortunately, the alcohol on his breath was too strong for it to last very long. To say nothing of the rather clumsy nature of the kiss. Jesse pulled away before he could break it, much to his relief. There was a sinking feeling in his gut, and he was pretty sure that having to push the redhead off of him would have one, made things words, and two, likely ended with Jesse on his arse on the floor.
spaceAny attempt to reply to Jesse's statement that he was 'fixing things' died when he started trying to undo Elliott's shirt buttons. He didn't like where this was going. And every word that came out of Jesse's mouth made it worse, because all he was doing was confirming the Ravenclaw's fears regarding why he was here, drunk off his arse, in the middle of the damn night. He swallowed, grabbing Jesse's hands to try and stop them from (failing at) unbuttoning his shirt. "Jesse, please stop," he pleaded. Ironically enough, he had never been less piqued by the concept of fooling around with his boyfriend. Not with him like this.
space"This isn't a solution," he said tersely, even knowing that he was probably making things worse. Not to mention the fact that, depending on exactly how drunk Jesse was, anything he said might be pointless. On the one hand, that'd just mean he'd be the only one who remembered the fight they were apparently going to have. On the other, it meant the same of any sort of progress that might somehow be made. "Jesse, you shouldn't- You don't have to make yourself uncomfortable, I don't want you to force yourself to... to do things you don't want to do, or that trigger you, or hurt you."
spaceMerlin, he wanted to bang his head against the wall. Jesse hadn't known he wanted to? That was a load of crock if he'd ever heard it. The redhead had been the one to flip out or go cold the second hands started drifting anywhere of note, and Elliott was fairly certain the fact that it'd been his hands drifting spoke volumes about what he'd wanted out of the interactions. But when it'd remained consistent, he'd stopped, and found himself growing more and more frustrated, because his goddamn boyfriend was a literal goddamn cat and there was only so much snogging and cuddling and nuzzling a guy could take before he started to go just a little crazy over it. And he didn't want to tell Jesse that they couldn't do any of those things, so obviously he had to come up with a way to not want to do other things... An effort he'd had no success at. It would've all been so much easier if he were asexual and his attraction to Jesse was strictly romantic.
spaceHe was trying to be patient, dammit, with himself and with Jesse. But this stunt had him exasperated to no end. "You need to sleep it off," he said with a frown. "And... and we can talk about this in the morning." What the hell he was going to say, he had no clue. Except that he was offended to his core that Jesse thought he'd have sex with him while he was drunk off his arse. Not when the entire reason Jesse didn't drink was because he knew all too well what sort of things people could do to you when you were drunk. And Elliott would never, ever do that to him, even if he did say he wanted it. If he had to get shitfaced to even attempt it, he didn't want it more than he was afraid of it, and that was a line Elliott was not about to toe with him, under any circumstances. It got dangerously close to making the Ravenclaw exactly like the scum that'd ******** him up in the first place. 'I'd have to go on my own bloody hit list,' he thought, vaguely hysterical at the thought. His inner turmoil didn't show, though. On the outside at least, he seemed calm... for now.
╚════════════════════════════════════════════
xxx øh ï ṉεεḋ ṉøτ вε ƒ l α τ τ ε ɾ ε ḋ τhατ ÿøυ'ṿε ṉ ε ṿ ε ɾ вεεṉ h ε ɾ ε вεƒøɾε
xxxxxx ṡø τhεɾε'ṡ ṉø ṉ ε ε ḋ τø ṃ ε ṉ τ ï ø ṉ τhατ ÿøυ'ṿε ṉø ƒ ï ɾ ṡ τ ṡ αṉÿṃøɾε
xxxxxxxxx вυτ ïƒ ÿøυ l ε τ ṃε вε ÿøυɾ ṡ ќ ÿ l ï ṉ ε, ï'll lετ ÿøυ вε τhε ώ α ṿ ε
xxxxxxxxxxxx τhατ ɾ ε ḋ υ с ε ṡ ṃε τø ɾ υ в в l ε, τhατ løøќεḋ ṡ α ƒ ε ƒɾøṃ ƒαɾ α ώ α ÿ
xx» ╳ ♥ ╳ «xx xx» oυт oғ cнaracтer «xx speak now
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Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2016 12:15 am
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Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁Where am I? Elli's Flat
Who am I with? Hopefully Elli
What am I doing? Being drunk
What am I thinking? I can do this, really, I can...
Who's Important to me? Elliott Holt
What am I wearing? Bad Choices▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁
Jesse frowned as Elli grabbed his hands and told him to stop, confused. Huh? Why was he telling him to stop? He swayed a bit, listening as Elli said that this wasn't a solution, but Jesse had to disagree. It was one. It always had been. He was already shaking his head when Elli said that he didn't have to make himself uncomfortable, disagreeing. "'M'not uncomfortable now, an' I wanna do this. You can't hurt me. Not like that. N-not like he did." And that was the crux of it, wasn't it? Elli wasn't going to hurt him, because he was Elliott, and he was safe. Always had been. Even when life was going to hell, Elli had always been his rock, and Jesse... He could do this. He could, and make things right, because he didn't want to hurt his boyfriend and make him go away.
When Elli said he needed to sleep it off, Jesse wanted to protest. Especially since he had a vague idea about where this was going to go. Instead, he tried wrapping his arms around his boyfriend, nuzzling his neck and trying (trying!) not to let his mind freak out about it. About what it meant that he was drunk and offering himself up and the fact that Elli was stating he wouldn't. He started trembling a bit, knowing just where his brain went when he was drunk. It was one of two places, and usually the first came before the second. He was always very amorous, and then self-loathing settled in. He was trying to get rid of the self-loathing part, because that part always came after Paul was done, and Elli wasn't Paul by a long shot.
However, when he realized he wasn't getting anywhere, he shivered, feeling cold. This... This wasn't how it was supposed to go. Vaguely he wondered how he had ******** it all up, and stepped away. He swallowed and then looked at Elli, and suddenly anger flared. "No, you just want me when I don't want it. When I do, you don't. Elli, what the hell? You never said anything up until you moved out, an' I could have done something when you were still there but you..." He tried reaching for words, but his drunken mind wasn't too quick with them and he scoffed in agitation. "You just wanted to run away without talking! An' Ken suggested talking to you 'bout it, but you just... You wanted to leave an' that was it! I don't need to sleep it off, Elliott Holt! You're just... You're just afraid that... What are you afraid of, anyway?" That was the part that Jesse was confused on. He knew why he was here, and he knew why Elliott was too. But apparently Elliott was trying to... To do what? He didn't know, something about turning stuff off or something? He couldn't recall properly.
▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁
OOC:
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
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Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2016 11:01 pm
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╓xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xx» wнere «xx
xxxLiving Room
xxxxxxxx» wιтн «xx
xxxxxxxxxJesse
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx» ғeelιng «xx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxConcerned
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx╜
ïƒ ø ṉ l ÿ ÿøυ'ḋ hαṿε ќ ṉ ø ώ ṉ ṃε вεƒøɾε τhε α с с ï ḋ ε ṉ τ xxxxxxxxxxxx
ƒøɾ ώïτh τhατ ģɾαṉḋ с ø l l ï ṡ ï ø ṉ сαṃε α ģɾαṿε с ø ṉ ṡ ε σ υ ε ṉ с ε xxxxxxxxx
ɾεсερτøɾṡ ø ṿ ε ɾ l ø α ḋ ε ḋ, τhεÿ в υ ɾ ṡ τ αṉḋ ḋ ï ṡ с ø ṉ ṉ ε с τ xxxxxx
'τïl τhεɾε ώαṡ l ï τ τ l ε ƒεεlïṉģ, ρlεαṡε ώ ø ɾ ќ ώïτh ώhατ ïṡ l ε ƒ τ xxx
════════════════════════════════════════════╗
spaceElliott bit back the urge to sigh. Or groan. Or make some other sort of disgruntled sound of exasperation. "You're not uncomfortable because you're drunk," he said, having to call up every ounce of affection he had in him not to let his irritation show. "You could fall down the stairs and barely notice it hurt until tomorrow morning." Elliott was mildly comforted by the idea that Jesse had said he couldn't hurt him, but quite frankly, if he had to be drunk to feel that way, it was a pretty good sign he didn't really believe it. Although, quite frankly, if he had it the way he actually wanted it, that wouldn't have been much of a concern anyway. But Jesse had never even let him get far enough for that subject to come up... In the back of his head, he could hear a voice that sounded suspiciously like his brother's saying 'you could've just told him that'. Apparently, the voice had a lot more confidence in him than he had in himself.
spaceMerlin knows he'd tried to have conversations about it, but conversations were hard. Choosing to voice things he wanted was hard. Getting caught up in a make out session and just trying to move along from there was, so, so much easier... except it never quite worked out. And yet he still couldn't manage to get the words out. Because how were you supposed to talk about this stuff, anyway? He'd read books to educate himself on the ins and outs of sex specifically so that when the moment came that his brother awkwardly pulled him aside, he could say 'don't worry, I've read about it' and not have to endure The Talk.
spaceWhen Jesse pulled back, he braced himself. This was always the part where he got screamed at. His own temper flared when Jesse implied he'd simply not wanted it at the right time, eyes narrowing. "When've you ever wanted it?" he asked. "Now? Now doesn't count, Jesse, you're smashed. You had to get smashed to even try."
spaceHe did feel a hint of guilt when it was pointed out he'd never talked about it, of course. He knew he should've. He just... he couldn't. He'd tried, so many times, but the words wouldn't come out. He got embarrassed and flustered and always ended up saying 'never mind' or offering some lame excuse for why the conversation he'd wanted to have needed to be postponed. It wasn't an excuse. He knew it wasn't. "I'm sorry," he told the redhead. "Jesse, I don't- I can't talk about this stuff. I try. I've tried. But I- I just can't seem to... to make it come out. It's, it's just.. easier to do." The finish was lame, he knew, but he didn't have anything else to say that would make it any better. Jesse knew what he was like. He didn't communicate well, especially not things that embarrassed him. You only had to look as far as the fight they'd had sixth year to see that. Months and months of awkwardness and depression, all because he'd been too afraid to confront Jesse about the fact that he hadn't said 'I love you' back. Then there was the fact that, in general, Elli left everything about Jesse's past alone, in the dark, where Jesse didn't have to look at it. Talking about sex meant talking about Paul. Elli didn't want to make Jesse talk about Paul. Ever.
spaceThe brunette's eyes narrowed slightly, though. "Anyway, I didn't see you talking about it, either," he pointed out, somewhat emboldened by that. He might've been wrong, but Jesse was, too. So he sucked at communicating. So he sucked at talking about his feelings. So did Jesse. This wasn't all on him. "'When I do, you don't,' that's ******** bullshite. Because I always wanted it before. I'd want it now, if you were bloody sober and offering. So if you didn't get a go when you were willing, that's your own fault for not saying anything, because I sure as hell wouldn't have turned it down before."
spaceThe accusation that he'd run away without talking hurt. That's what he'd done, and he knew it. But as far as he'd seen, Jesse had never given any sign that he wanted to try and work it out for themselves. There had always been a hard 'no' as far as the Ravenclaw could tell, which had in the end led him to believe that it wasn't something his boyfriend was interested in, at all. He'd noticed interest, of course, hard to miss that, especially when they shared a bed. But Jesse had seemed more disturbed by it than anything else. It had always seemed like any attempt to try and work past that would've hurt more than anything else, and therefore, wasn't worth the effort... But then, this had hurt Jesse, too. He flinched at the mention of his brother, and at the question of what he was afraid of, and his words were caught in his throat.
space"... Losing you," he finally said, almost too quietly to be heard. Just saying the words made his stomach twist. "I... I didn't want to try the other way. I didn't... Forcing you, making you uncomfortable, hurting you... I just... I wanted it to go away. For me to stop wanting things you were too scared to give me. That I shouldn't ask you to give me. I didn't want... What if it'd scared you too much? What if, what if you thought I was being too pushy, what if... if eventually you thought that I was being too demanding, that I was just using you? Like... like he did?"
spaceHe hadn't been able to meet Jesse's eyes the entire time he spoke; his gaze had lowered slowly, ending fixated on the floor. Finally, Elliott forced himself to look up, swallowing. "I can't be him, Jesse. I can't. I can't do that to you, ever. That's why... that's why you need to sleep it off. Because I can't, not with you like this, never like this. If... if you were sober, if you wanted to try, I could try. But... this feels... it's wrong." It felt more than wrong. It was sickening. To the point that Elliott thought he might actually vomit. If they'd done anything before, he'd have no problem sleeping with his drunk boyfriend. If they could do it sober, he had no reason to question the validity of doing it drunk, not really. But it had required alcohol to get Jesse to even try, and that... it made his skin crawl. Loosen up, he wasn't loosened up. He was numb. He'd numbed himself to the experience, separated his consciousness from it so he didn't have to think about it. Elli's fear that he wouldn't remember this conversation made it that much worse, because it meant that Jesse was only willing to have sex with him if he wouldn't remember it the next morning. That was ******** up. That was disgusting. And he couldn't do it.
space"... Jesse, please, go to bed, he pleaded again. "Here, because you're sure as hell not apparating, and you're slurring too much to use the floo. We can... we can hash this out in the morning. Or the afternoon. Whenever you're awake and sober and in your right head. I swear, I will talk about it. But... not like this." Mentally, he wondered what kind of hoops he was going to have to jump through in the morning. If Jesse remembered any of this, he'd hopefully remember enough to know that, no, they hadn't slept together. But... if he didn't, how the hell was Elli going to prove that they hadn't? 'I swear I didn't take advantage of you' didn't really hold much weight, after all, and the Slytherin was definitely going to be waking up in his bed... He bit back a sigh. He'd sleep on the couch. And, ********, he didn't know. Hunt down some bloody veritiserum to drink so that Jesse would know he wasn't lying? Maybe that'd work.
╚════════════════════════════════════════════
xxx øh ï ṉεεḋ ṉøτ вε ƒ l α τ τ ε ɾ ε ḋ τhατ ÿøυ'ṿε ṉ ε ṿ ε ɾ вεεṉ h ε ɾ ε вεƒøɾε
xxxxxx ṡø τhεɾε'ṡ ṉø ṉ ε ε ḋ τø ṃ ε ṉ τ ï ø ṉ τhατ ÿøυ'ṿε ṉø ƒ ï ɾ ṡ τ ṡ αṉÿṃøɾε
xxxxxxxxx вυτ ïƒ ÿøυ l ε τ ṃε вε ÿøυɾ ṡ ќ ÿ l ï ṉ ε, ï'll lετ ÿøυ вε τhε ώ α ṿ ε
xxxxxxxxxxxx τhατ ɾ ε ḋ υ с ε ṡ ṃε τø ɾ υ в в l ε, τhατ løøќεḋ ṡ α ƒ ε ƒɾøṃ ƒαɾ α ώ α ÿ
xx» ╳ ♥ ╳ «xx xx» oυт oғ cнaracтer «xx speak now
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Posted: Sun Jul 31, 2016 9:31 pm
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Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁Where am I? Elli's Flat
Who am I with? Hopefully Elli
What am I doing? Being drunk
What am I thinking? I can do this, really, I can...
Who's Important to me? Elliott Holt
What am I wearing? Bad Choices▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁
Jesse winced as Elli told him right now didn't count, and he shrunk again, feeling the inevitable crush of self-loathing that he knew came with being drunk. He stumbled back a few steps as Elli told him that he'd had to get drunk top even try. He was right, of course. Jesse just couldn't be normal. He couldn't have normal teenage reactions. He was just too broken for that. He hardly heard Elli's statement about talking about the subject, since he was retreating further and further into himself, trying to ignore the fact that he was dirty, and no amount of scrubbing could get rid of the feeling. Then came the topic of Jesse not talking about it either, and the fact that he'd never seemed to want it. He'd never wanted to get sick as much as he wanted to right now, and he knew it had not as much to do with the volume of alcohol he'd consumed, as it did with why.
Which immediately amplified the moment that Jesse heard why Elli hadn't wanted to. His stomach churned as he realized what he had almost tried to do, and he closed his eyes, trying to ignore the fact that he had almost done to Elli what Paul had done to him. He shivered, feeling the cold grow and the nausea increase. "Oh God..." The idea was so horrible and so awful and yet, so true that Jesse felt his chest constrict and tears slipping free without him realizing it. "Oh God, I nearly did that. I-I nearly became Paul an' I nearly did what he did to you an' oh God..." He wrapped his arms around himself and tried to control the rising panic he was feeling. He'd almost become Paul, and he'd never wanted that. He'd never wanted to hurt Elli like that, and yet, he nearly had. Suddenly the nausea became too much and he rushed over to the sink, throwing up what was in his stomach and trying desperately to convince himself that he wasn't like the man that had raised him, and yet he was facing the results of that upbringing and he hated himself for it.
Jesse heard Elli plead with him to go to bed, and he nodded tiredly, wanting to disappear. Would it be really all that bad if he splinched himself? It wasn't like he'd feel it, not being as drunk as he was. However, he let Elli lead him to his bed, and nearly whined as he realized that Elli wasn't joining him. Almost, until he realized why he was here and why he couldn't sleep with Elliott. Not now, not after how badly he'd nearly ******** up and why he felt as shitty as he did.
Sleep was a long time in coming, and Jesse tossed and turned through most of it, plagued by dreams he couldn't recall and things that he'd thought he'd never encounter again. It wasn't until mid-morning that he woke up, his head splitting and his mouth tasting like feet and something he might have found in a dumpster once and his stomach was not pleasant in reminding him of everything he'd drunk the night before. God, he needed a shower, and he needed to forget. Unfortunately for him, he had the curse of a good memory and he didn't feel right in his own skin. He lay for a few minutes, trying to wish the hangover away and wanting to curse himself at the same time. Why was he so stupid? He felt sticky and sweaty and disgusting and filthy and dirty and just wrong wrong wrongwrongwrong-. He tried to shut off his brain, but it refused, and he was stuck replaying the most damning part of the evening. I almost did to Elli what Paul had done to me. I... I can't believe that Elliott didn't kill me right then and there. I'm just as much a monster as Paul is.
As soon as he realized Elliott was awake, his stomach churned unpleasantly again and Jesse didn't even hesitate. He bypassed Elliott (he really didn't deserve to call Elli his boyfriend after last night) and walked straight to the bathroom. He dryheaved into the toilet for a bit, wishing that his body would just stop dying and that he was just dead already, before he turned the shower on as hot as he could and stepped in. He scrubbed and scrubbed until he could have sworn that he was taking his own skin off and the water had turned cold. After stepping out, he didn't even bother with half of what he'd worn, deciding the button-up shirt was good enough and wishing he had opted for anything but those damn pants. However, it wasn't like he had any clothes here, and he just shrugged them on before stepping out, feeling small and scared and wishing he even had an idea of what Elliott thought of him. Was he a monster? Was he too damaged? Jesse didn't know, and he hung back staring at Elliott and wishing that he had drowned himself in the shower instead.
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OOC:
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
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Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2016 1:56 am
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╓xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xx» wнere «xx
xxxLiving Room
xxxxxxxx» wιтн «xx
xxxxxxxxxJesse
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx» ғeelιng «xx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxConcerned
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx╜
ïƒ ø ṉ l ÿ ÿøυ'ḋ hαṿε ќ ṉ ø ώ ṉ ṃε вεƒøɾε τhε α с с ï ḋ ε ṉ τ xxxxxxxxxxxx
ƒøɾ ώïτh τhατ ģɾαṉḋ с ø l l ï ṡ ï ø ṉ сαṃε α ģɾαṿε с ø ṉ ṡ ε σ υ ε ṉ с ε xxxxxxxxx
ɾεсερτøɾṡ ø ṿ ε ɾ l ø α ḋ ε ḋ, τhεÿ в υ ɾ ṡ τ αṉḋ ḋ ï ṡ с ø ṉ ṉ ε с τ xxxxxx
'τïl τhεɾε ώαṡ l ï τ τ l ε ƒεεlïṉģ, ρlεαṡε ώ ø ɾ ќ ώïτh ώhατ ïṡ l ε ƒ τ xxx
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spaceElliott thought that, all totaled, he'd probably gotten maybe two hours sleep. And that was being generous. There were several hours to account for that were his own fault, given that he'd stayed up late reading, but every hour after Jesse's arrival... Well, he supposed that was mostly his fault, as well. He was the one who'd pushed his boyfriend into this whole thing. Because he didn't know how to just talk to him. So, laying on the couch, he'd spent the night tossing and turning trying to figure out how to force himself to do exactly that. Talk to him. Because if they were going to fix this mess, it obviously needed to be a joint effort. He wanted to take the burden, that's what he'd been trying to do to begin with. He hadn't wanted Jesse to have to deal with the trials of overcoming any of this, it'd been something he wanted to shoulder alone. Jesse had enough he'd had to suffer, he hadn't wanted to add to it... But, in trying to take it on himself, and only himself, he'd obviously made it worse.
spaceThe trouble, he thought wryly, was that Jesse always refused to go in The Box. Everything else, it was all packed in there. Every hurt, every frustration, every moment of weakness, all packaged away and locked up tight. It'd started with his parents deaths. He hadn't wanted to hurt anymore. He hadn't wanted to miss them. He hadn't wanted to wake up crying with nightmares of the accident that'd killed them, only to find that the nightmares were memories, and it was his brother, not his mum or his dad, that was coming to try and comfort him. So he'd forced it into the box. And then, he'd begun putting everything in the box... Everything except Jesse, because everything regarding Jesse refused. Everything from the realization that he'd had a crush to the fears when the redhead hadn't said 'I love you', none of it would go in. Maybe the box was full. Maybe nothing else would fit. Jojo hadn't gone in, either, after her disappearance. Maybe Jesse had just been the first thing he'd come across after it'd been filled to capacity.
spaceMaybe he needed a bigger box.
spaceExcept, he didn't want to put Jesse in the box, not really. And maybe that was why he wouldn't go there. Because he hadn't been able to stop crushing on him, so he'd asked him on a date, and then they were dating. He hadn't been able to put his insecurity in the box, and then, albeit months later, Jesse had finally said it back. It wasn't perfect, but life was never going to be perfect. No matter how much he wanted it to be, or how hard he tried to make it. And if he were really honest, it was worth the pain and the insecurity and the frustration. It was always worth it with Jesse. So maybe that was why he wouldn't go in. Because Elliott didn't want him to.
spaceHe sighed, still laying on the couch. He should buy a new one, he thought. Because this one sucked. Not really a relevant thought, but he had it anyway. It was easier than thinking about everything else. He'd stayed up all night trying to figure out how to fix this, and in the end, he had nothing. Probably because, once again, he'd been trying to fix it himself, instead of working with Jesse on it. He really needed to stop that. He couldn't do everything alone. And honestly, when had he ever really, actually, truly done anything alone in the first place? He didn't think he knew how. As much as he tried to be independent, he was becoming woefully aware of a distinct lack of the ability. He relied on his brother, on Ver, on Jesse, for everything... Was he a burden to them? He didn't think they saw it that way, not most of the time. Maybe... maybe when he was being stupid. Like now.
spaceHe only hoped that it was Jesse seeing him as a burden, and not that the redhead feared it was the other way around. But, the hope was hollow, because he knew Jesse'd had those thoughts, plenty of times. And he still couldn't wrap his head around his boyfriend's words from the night before, that he was like Paul. He'd gotten drunk to try and fix their relationship, by numbing himself to let Elliott, what, use him? But somehow he'd twisted that around in his head so that he was the one using, instead of being used. It made Elliott's stomach turn. The whole thing did. Honestly, if he'd had half a clue how to find the b*****d, Paul would've been found dead hours ago. He was sick of all the ways that piece of shite had hurt Jesse. Had warped him, had abused him until he'd broken. Elliott kept trying to pick up the pieces and put them back together, but he had no idea how. He didn't even know how many pieces there were, or where they were, or how they went together. And it seemed like everything he did to try and help made it worse... Maybe things got better, eventually. But they always got worse first. He'd like to figure out how to skip that step.
spaceTalking to him, he reminded himself. Talking to him will skip that part. Actually, really talking to him, instead of just trying to fix it and not telling him what or why or how. Not that he'd really left Jesse completely in the dark this time. He'd thought that, if he told Jesse why, the Slytherin would understand. He'd be unhappy about it, but he thought he'd know it was for the best... Except clearly it wasn't, because all it'd done is make Jesse desperate. And hurt him. Again.
spaceHe heard sounds from the bedroom, and his heart leapt into his throat. He sat up abruptly, hands clenching the edge of the couch cushions as he waited for Jesse to come out. But, when he appeared, he didn't even acknowledge Elliott, just went straight for the bathroom. The brunette's stomach twisted again as he heard the shower come on, chewing the inside of his cheek. The shower seemed to last forever. He wished he could check on Jesse, but after the night before, he didn't dare even approach him while he was in any sort of vulnerable state... or, well. More vulnerable than the usual. He waited, wanting to throw something at the wall in his frustration and impatience. But, that wouldn't help. It would, in fact, make things worse. He reminded himself of that, over and over, on a loop in his mind until the water finally stopped.
spaceHe watched the door open, heart pounding as he tried to gauge Jesse's state and mood. He didn't have to be a genius to know why the shower had lasted so long; even if he didn't know his boyfriend as well as he did, scrubbing yourself raw trying to get clean when you felt dirty was a fairly common response to traumatic events. Given what Jesse had said the night before, it was a fair bet he had plenty of reason to feel unclean, at least in his own mind. Which begged the question, how much, if any, of the night before did he remember? Because it wasn't entirely out of the question that he'd think his attempts at 'seduction' had been successful. If there'd been a way to make it obvious no such thing had occurred, Elli hadn't been able to think of it. Now he just had to pray that wasn't what Jesse thought had happened, because that was a layer of disgust he didn't even know how to wade through. What if Jesse didn't believe him when he said nothing had happened?
spaceElliott wanted him to come sit with him. But that might be asking a bit much. He swallowed, then cleared his throat awkwardly, grip on the cushions, which he'd held since Jesse had entered the shower, tightening. "... What do you remember?" he asked, unable to keep from sounding afraid and desperate. He didn't want to have to start today proving he wasn't a monster. It was bad enough Jesse thought himself one, having to prove them both innocent of any crimes would complicate things more than he liked. Of course, any complication was more than he liked. But he wasn't entirely sure if he could rise to the challenge of proving that they hadn't had sex, because he had no clue how you'd even begin to prove that. Negatives couldn't be proven. Only positives. Where there was a lack of evidence, it could simply be that evidence hadn't been found, not that it didn't exist altogether. Which meant that he would effectively have to do the impossible, and as clever as he might be sometimes, he wasn't sure he was capable of that. He was sure as hell going to try, though.
╚════════════════════════════════════════════
xxx øh ï ṉεεḋ ṉøτ вε ƒ l α τ τ ε ɾ ε ḋ τhατ ÿøυ'ṿε ṉ ε ṿ ε ɾ вεεṉ h ε ɾ ε вεƒøɾε
xxxxxx ṡø τhεɾε'ṡ ṉø ṉ ε ε ḋ τø ṃ ε ṉ τ ï ø ṉ τhατ ÿøυ'ṿε ṉø ƒ ï ɾ ṡ τ ṡ αṉÿṃøɾε
xxxxxxxxx вυτ ïƒ ÿøυ l ε τ ṃε вε ÿøυɾ ṡ ќ ÿ l ï ṉ ε, ï'll lετ ÿøυ вε τhε ώ α ṿ ε
xxxxxxxxxxxx τhατ ɾ ε ḋ υ с ε ṡ ṃε τø ɾ υ в в l ε, τhατ løøќεḋ ṡ α ƒ ε ƒɾøṃ ƒαɾ α ώ α ÿ
xx» ╳ ♥ ╳ «xx xx» oυт oғ cнaracтer «xx speak now
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Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2016 8:41 pm
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Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁Where am I? Elli's Flat
Who am I with? Elliott
What am I doing? Facing the consequences
What am I thinking? I can do this, really, I can...
Who's Important to me? Elliott Holt
What am I wearing? Bad Choices▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁
Jesse winced as he noticed the way Elliott was sitting, and the tone in which he asked about what he remembered made Jesse's skin crawl. This wasn't a good start to the morning. However, he'd never had good mornings after being trashed, so this just fell into the category of why he didn't get trashed to begin with. He curled his arms around himself, biting his lip and wishing that the room wasn't so bright because it just made the throb in the back of his head worse. He knew logically he should drink something, get some fluids back into his system, but... Oh hell. He walked over to the sink, wincing when he recalled what he'd done in it. Thankfully it looked like it had been cleaned, so he safely grabbed a glass of water, downed it, and then filled it back up for another. He then turned back to Elli, stomach churning as he reluctantly let his mind drift back to the night before.
"I remember... enough. I got drunk and came over to let you..." He paused, then shook his head. "You know. But you wouldn't. Then we started arguing, and, and then I realized I was being like Paul. Trying to force you to do something that you didn't want to do. I... I didn't..." He slid to the floor, curling around his knees as he realized what he could have done. His stomach twisted again, and he wanted to vomit, but fought off the urge. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. I really shouldn't have. I could have hurt you. I... I didn't, did I? I mean, I remember the argument, and some things after. I don't remember going to bed. I just...
He shook his head again and tried to refrain from shivering. He felt dirty all over again, and he could almost feel hands ghosting over him. It made him want to get sick again, but he buried his face in his arms instead, trying to fight off the tears he could feel threatening. He was so tired of this, and he'd been trying to figure out how to make it all stop. He could think of one solution, but he wouldn't touch it with a fifty foot pole considering it wouldn't solve anything and would just mean Hamnet won all those years ago.
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OOC:
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
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Posted: Thu Aug 04, 2016 10:36 pm
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╓xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xx» wнere «xx
xxxLiving Room
xxxxxxxx» wιтн «xx
xxxxxxxxxJesse
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx» ғeelιng «xx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxConcerned
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx╜
ïƒ ø ṉ l ÿ ÿøυ'ḋ hαṿε ќ ṉ ø ώ ṉ ṃε вεƒøɾε τhε α с с ï ḋ ε ṉ τ xxxxxxxxxxxx
ƒøɾ ώïτh τhατ ģɾαṉḋ с ø l l ï ṡ ï ø ṉ сαṃε α ģɾαṿε с ø ṉ ṡ ε σ υ ε ṉ с ε xxxxxxxxx
ɾεсερτøɾṡ ø ṿ ε ɾ l ø α ḋ ε ḋ, τhεÿ в υ ɾ ṡ τ αṉḋ ḋ ï ṡ с ø ṉ ṉ ε с τ xxxxxx
'τïl τhεɾε ώαṡ l ï τ τ l ε ƒεεlïṉģ, ρlεαṡε ώ ø ɾ ќ ώïτh ώhατ ïṡ l ε ƒ τ xxx
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spaceElliott watched Jesse move through the flat, very plainly avoiding the question in addition to dealing with the hangover. He'd considered popping out to try and pick up a cure potion, but hadn't wanted Jesse to wake alone. He hadn't had any already present, namely because he hadn't ever in a million years imagined he'd need such a thing. The only person he knew that was into heavy drinking these days was Jojo, and she sure as hell wasn't showing up at his place falling over drunk. After sixth year's incident, he hadn't had much interest in it himself, and besides that, he knew it wasn't going to fix anything. He'd thought that Jesse would never touch the stuff with a ten foot pole... So much for that.
spaceWhen the redhead finally responded, he watched him, still trying to figure out how the hell to handle this whole thing. His jaw twitched when Jesse said he'd acted like Paul, but he stayed quiet, and seated, despite the fact that he wanted very much to walk over and sit down next to Jesse. And hold him, and tell him how utterly ridiculous that was. Instead, he let his boyfriend finish, forcibly relaxing the hold his hands still had on the edge of the couch. He twitched again when Jesse asked if he'd hurt him. But, this time, he wasn't able to stay seated. He rose and walked over to Jesse, managing to fight the urge to sit directly next to him. Instead, he sat across, knees up but relaxed, his elbows resting atop them. "You didn't do anything," he said quietly. "Except showing up drunk and snogging me. After you... after you came to the conclusion that you were... acting like him," the word was hissed; Elli couldn't even make himself say the name, "you kind of just... gave up, and let me put you to bed. Nothing else happened."
spaceHis left foot slid out slightly, so that it was about six inches from Jesse. Closest he could allow himself to get to physical contact; he had no way of knowing if that would make things worse or not. "You've got it wrong, though," he said. "That... Jesse, that wasn't even in league with the kind of shite that b*****d pulled. Okay? You're not... You weren't forcing me to do anything. You were forcing yourself. You knew... you knew that's what I wanted, so you tried to make yourself give it to me. He wouldn't ever do something like that. That wasn't for you, it was for me, for us. People like him don't care about anyone but themselves. He'd never force himself into a situation he didn't like or want to try and make someone else happy. Okay? So... So before anything else, you need to just... that needs to go away. That thought. That guilt. It's bullshite, okay? You're not him, you'd never be him. You're too good to even come close to that."
spaceHe swallowed; it wasn't going to be that easy, was it? It was never that easy. Elli couldn't be sure if it was a good or bad thing that he knew when Jesse was lying to him. If he couldn't, it would mean that, when Jesse eventually gave in and told him he believed it, they could move past that portion of the conversation, regardless of whether or not Jesse actually believed his own words. But, he could, and it meant that they would be on this specific subject for as long as it took Jesse's stubborn, twisted, self-loathing head to actually buy that he might not be a horrible person... Ugh. This was going to take hours. Maybe days, Elli thought dramatically. Maybe months. Maybe they'd have to sit here, just like this, for a year, going back and forth and back and forth until something gave.
spaceHe sighed; it didn't really matter how long it took, though, did it? Not unless Jesse gave up and decided to call it quits. He sure as hell wasn't going to. That's why they were in this situation in the first place, because he'd rather force himself into isolation until he figured out how to suppress his libido into nonexistence than anything else. It should've just gone in the bloody box, he thought. Easy. Even as part of him whispered that wasn't a solution, it didn't fix anything. Jesse was the broken one, and breaking himself so that they were more compatible in that respect was probably a really stupid idea. He'd just assumed, mistakenly, that it would be the easier route. Now that he'd proven himself wrong, he was left with no option but to do things the hard way... not that it was the difficulty that'd bothered him to begin with. It was that he didn't want to hurt Jesse. He didn't want to give his boyfriend bloody panic attacks trying to get him to try things and easing him into things and putting pieces back where they were supposed to be. But, apparently he'd already buggered up on the not hurting him part, so he might as well say ******** it. If Jesse even wanted to, anyway. Which he might not. That was a disturbing possibility that hadn't occurred to him until now... Maybe last night was the final straw. Shite.
╚════════════════════════════════════════════
xxx øh ï ṉεεḋ ṉøτ вε ƒ l α τ τ ε ɾ ε ḋ τhατ ÿøυ'ṿε ṉ ε ṿ ε ɾ вεεṉ h ε ɾ ε вεƒøɾε
xxxxxx ṡø τhεɾε'ṡ ṉø ṉ ε ε ḋ τø ṃ ε ṉ τ ï ø ṉ τhατ ÿøυ'ṿε ṉø ƒ ï ɾ ṡ τ ṡ αṉÿṃøɾε
xxxxxxxxx вυτ ïƒ ÿøυ l ε τ ṃε вε ÿøυɾ ṡ ќ ÿ l ï ṉ ε, ï'll lετ ÿøυ вε τhε ώ α ṿ ε
xxxxxxxxxxxx τhατ ɾ ε ḋ υ с ε ṡ ṃε τø ɾ υ в в l ε, τhατ løøќεḋ ṡ α ƒ ε ƒɾøṃ ƒαɾ α ώ α ÿ
xx» ╳ ♥ ╳ «xx xx» oυт oғ cнaracтer «xx speak now
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Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2016 11:15 pm
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Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁Where am I? Elli's Flat
Who am I with? Elliott
What am I doing? Facing the consequences
What am I thinking? I can do this, really, I can...
Who's Important to me? Elliott Holt
What am I wearing? Bad Choices▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁
"It's damn easy to do, you know. Just use leverage to pin someone and..." He shuddered, not wanting to remember those days, but helpless to stop it. He knew that Elliott would probably chop off his own arm to help him out, and he didn't know if he was lying or not for Jesse's benefit. Not with the scared way he had asked his question earlier, and not with the way he had been sitting. Stiff, tense, waiting for the shoe to drop. It made Jesse's stomach churn at the idea that he had caused that, and he shook his head. "Hurting people's easy. Doing what... What he did to me, that's easy. And he didn't have magic. Elli, you wouldn't... You can't even touch me right now! I mean, you're keeping your distance. If I didn't do anything, you wouldn't be. You'd be... I don't know anymore. Everything is so ******** up and it's all my damn fault."
He curled more around his knees, not wanting to look into Elliott's eyes and see the hurt or the attempts to placate him. Because he knew that tactic too. He snorted at the idea that Jesse's actions wouldn't have been what Paul had tried to do. Because they were. Every time. "Elli, he was always drunk or drugged up every time! You can't say that it's not the same when it is! If you didn't want it then, then it doesn't matter if I knew you'd wanted it before. That's not how that works. It's still the same. I forced myself onto you. That's basically making it into a situation you didn't want."
He closed his eyes tightly and buried his face deeper into his arms, feeling dirty and just wrong, and frustrated that Elli couldn't see it that way. He couldn't see why Elli was defending his actions earlier, because to Jesse they were just as damning as they had been last night. What was the phrase again? Battered wife syndrome? With all of the s**t that Elliott had put up with him, he wouldn't be surprised if that was what was actually going on here. "Why are you defending what I did? I did the wrong thing, and I can't take it back, Elli."
▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁
OOC:
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
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Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2016 10:56 pm
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╓xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xx» wнere «xx
xxxLiving Room
xxxxxxxx» wιтн «xx
xxxxxxxxxJesse
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx» ғeelιng «xx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxConcerned
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx╜
ïƒ ø ṉ l ÿ ÿøυ'ḋ hαṿε ќ ṉ ø ώ ṉ ṃε вεƒøɾε τhε α с с ï ḋ ε ṉ τ xxxxxxxxxxxx
ƒøɾ ώïτh τhατ ģɾαṉḋ с ø l l ï ṡ ï ø ṉ сαṃε α ģɾαṿε с ø ṉ ṡ ε σ υ ε ṉ с ε xxxxxxxxx
ɾεсερτøɾṡ ø ṿ ε ɾ l ø α ḋ ε ḋ, τhεÿ в υ ɾ ṡ τ αṉḋ ḋ ï ṡ с ø ṉ ṉ ε с τ xxxxxx
'τïl τhεɾε ώαṡ l ï τ τ l ε ƒεεlïṉģ, ρlεαṡε ώ ø ɾ ќ ώïτh ώhατ ïṡ l ε ƒ τ xxx
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spaceElliott fought the wave of revulsion as Jesse came closer than he ever had to divulging the details of what had been done to him. Logical as the Ravenclaw prided himself on being, he'd never quite managed to get himself to think the word, because doing so would fill him with disgust and an overwhelming thirst for revenge. Jesse didn't want him to kill people. Not even people who'd hurt him. Not even people who'd broken him... Not even people who would do it again, to another child, and another, until they were either jailed or dead. Personally, Elliott preferred dead; jailed people didn't always stay jailed. Dead people, on the other hand...
spaceThe statement that he wouldn't touch him was met with an odd, vaguely argumentative sound, and a glare. But again, he squelched his desire to interrupt, because whatever Jesse was saying, it needed to be said, lest Elliott cut him off and never know that the thoughts were lurking in the dark corners of his mind. So, he listened, because he needed to know. He needed to have every single dark thought laid out before them, so that he could hack every single one to pieces until they were just uncomfortable memories. When Jesse asked why he was defending him, Elliott finally closed the distance between them, half-crawling towards the redhead.
space"Just because it was the wrong thing doesn't make it the same as that," he said, hands sliding to Jesse's knees. The way the Slytherin was curled up, he couldn't find a proper way to comfort, to touch, to do anything. "I didn't keep my distance for me, I kept it for you. When... Jesse, I never know, if touching you will help, or make it worse. If you'll relax or flinch away. If I'd had it my way I'd have followed you into the shower and done anything to keep you from scrubbing yourself raw, I'd have drug you over to sit on the couch with me, something. But I couldn't tell if you would want that, or if it would upset you, so I waited. That's all I was doing, I was waiting." His hands slid down Jesse's calves, wrapping loosely around his ankles. Awkward, and not nearly enough, but what else was he supposed to do? He wanted to be facing Jesse, which meant he couldn't sit next to him, and the redhead's figure was too tense, wrapped too tightly to even try to bring him into Elliott's lap, or for Elliott to crawl into his.
spaceHe stared, willing Jesse to look up, to meet his eyes, to just see. To understand from a perspective outside his own, to realize that all the horrible things he thought about himself were lies told to him by people who didn't care about anything but themselves. "Jesse, it's not the same. It's not. I didn't want it, and you didn't do anything. And you wouldn't have. I know you wouldn't have, even if you don't believe it. You couldn't. Christ, you can't even hurt the people who deserve it, or bear the thought of- of me doing it for you. I'd destroy them in an instant for what they did to you, and you say, no, Elliott, it's wrong. No, Elliott, you shouldn't. I'm the one that can hurt people here. I'm the one of questionable moral values. Do you really think that you could've hurt me?" His tone at this was incredulous. How could Jesse possibly think so little of himself that he failed to see that glaring inconsistency? Finding the b*****d who'd... who'd touched Jesse, who'd caused all this brokenness in the first place, making him pay for it, making sure he'd never do it again, that was wrong. But he thought he could've done the same to Elliott? It would've been laughable had the situation not been so dire.
spaceHe inhaled deeply, and his hands left Jesse's ankles, his form raising to hover over his boyfriend, and he laid himself over him. His hands slid down Jesse's back, forehead pressed against the back of his head, eyes shut, and he pressed his lips to his hair. "Last night, you weren't trying to force me. You weren't drunk to force me," he whispered. "You were drunk to force yourself. That's why it's different. Because if we'd done anything, when we woke up in the morning, you still would've been the one to scrub yourself raw, you still would've been the one to feel dirty and used. You didn't want it, not like that. And any way that you do want it..." He paused, swallowing. "You always flinched away. You never said anything, you never... I wanted to talk about it, and when I tried I got scared. Because I didn't want to be the one forcing you. I didn't want to ever come even close to resembling that monster. So I did this instead, and it just made it worse. And I'm sorry. I should've... I should've known better. But I thought this was easier... Except it only would've been easier for me, which wasn't right or fair. It was selfish. And in the end, it wasn't even easier, and I'm so, so sorry." Was he crying? Jesse's hair was still wet, but the dampness on his eyes and cheeks felt warm now.
spaceThe hands on the redhead's back began making small circles, an attempt, however futile, to comfort, to ease, to do anything that would even approach being helpful in this situation. "I love you so much, and I'm so bad at it. I'm horrible at it, and when people try to tell me how to be better, I don't listen, because I'm stubborn and arrogant and... and afraid. I don't know what I'm doing, I never have, and you're always the one that ends up suffering for it, and I want to do better and I don't know how." His voice was raw, like he'd been sobbing for hours rather than barely weeping for a few seconds. He wanted, so badly, to find an easy answer. But nothing important was ever easy. He should stop wishing for it to be, because then he inevitably tried to force it to be, and that always blew up in his face. And he didn't even want this to be easy for himself; he wanted it to be easy for Jesse. Jesse, who didn't deserve any of this, who'd been dealt one of the worst hands in history, who'd kept playing the game long past the point where others would've given up... Jesse, who probably deserved, and certainly needed, better than an emotionally stunted, logical-minded arse who shied away from anything approaching messy feelings and things that hurt your soul. He didn't want to be like this. He'd thought he did, once upon a time. But now he still had all the empathy and emotional turmoil, and none of the coping mechanisms or understanding of how any of it worked, and it was grasping about in the dark like he could find a lightswitch, but there was nothing. There was no box anymore, and without it, he was utterly lost.
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xxx øh ï ṉεεḋ ṉøτ вε ƒ l α τ τ ε ɾ ε ḋ τhατ ÿøυ'ṿε ṉ ε ṿ ε ɾ вεεṉ h ε ɾ ε вεƒøɾε
xxxxxx ṡø τhεɾε'ṡ ṉø ṉ ε ε ḋ τø ṃ ε ṉ τ ï ø ṉ τhατ ÿøυ'ṿε ṉø ƒ ï ɾ ṡ τ ṡ αṉÿṃøɾε
xxxxxxxxx вυτ ïƒ ÿøυ l ε τ ṃε вε ÿøυɾ ṡ ќ ÿ l ï ṉ ε, ï'll lετ ÿøυ вε τhε ώ α ṿ ε
xxxxxxxxxxxx τhατ ɾ ε ḋ υ с ε ṡ ṃε τø ɾ υ в в l ε, τhατ løøќεḋ ṡ α ƒ ε ƒɾøṃ ƒαɾ α ώ α ÿ
xx» ╳ ♥ ╳ «xx xx» oυт oғ cнaracтer «xx speak now
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