⎾ MOROSIS ⏌

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

Indeed he had changed, Jakob had been through far too much to stay that same desperate fool back in his hotel room. Getting sliced by Cornelius had only shown him how and pathetic he actually was. He was no assassin, he had no business being involved with the American mafia. Coming home was hard, but it gave him the chance to start over. No more sneaking around, taking foolish risks, making his way off the literal blood of others. No, he was done with all of that, and he had no intentions of going back to such a life.

As he sat across from Kieran he couldn't help being frightened. He had to wonder what happened to him. Surely this wasn't the result of just his leaving. When Jakob spoke, he was a little harsh with his accusations. He watched Kieran shift and leaned on table, his eyes glancing back and forth between himself and Abel. Biting his lower lip, he had to stop himself from agreeing. Already it was feeling like a waste of time. "I'm not doing anything with him now that I didn't do before." he replied, neither confirming or denying being involved in some way with Abel. Jakob looked towards Kieran, meeting his gaze, trying to see if the person he loved was still somewhere in there.

"I looked for you...I tried to at least. But then some stuff happened, and I-I couldn't." Jakob recalled those first few frantic days when Kieran had left. He was so heartbroken and desperate, he didn't understand anything. Reaching down, his fingers grazed over the scar. Kieran didn't know about how he'd wandered through the city cut open and bleeding. He didn't know that it was Abel who put him back together and took care of him for weeks. If he had grown fonder of Abel in that time it wasn't because he wanted to spite Kieran. It just happened, like every other time that he was with him. The love he felt for Abel was a special one, but he knew it would never be anything more than what they had now for one another.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • ❛ 𝙅𝙪𝙙𝙜𝙚, 𝙅𝙪𝙧𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙀𝙭𝙚𝙘𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙧.❜



Indeed this was a waste of time to him, he didn't understand what Miguel wanted from him as it clearly wasn't him he wanted. Kirean could easily get out of the booth they were sitting in. He contemplated such actions. Even though Abel blocked him from getting out normally there was always the back way of climbing over the seat but he knew Abel would stop him.

Kirean wasn't surprised by the accusatory words though he had a fair share of his own. He found it almost laughable as Miguel responded to his words. Of course he was confirming his own thoughts. Kirean wasn't stupid, he knew what they had been doing behind his back. He couldn't have stopped it even now. They were grown adults.

As he sat there, Kirean was only wrought with excuses. He sighed pushing back from the table as he sat straight. ”What do you want from me then as you clearly have everything you need?” Kirean no longer interested in Miguel's pity party.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

This was going exactly as he thought it. He was mistaken when he thought he saw a bit of the old Kieran. So much so it hurt. Jakob tried to keep his emotions in check as spoke. He understood that he wasn't helping himself by blatantly admitting to sleeping with Abel. But that was hardly news. Kieran had told him himself that he could have all meaningless sex he wanted so long as Jakob didn't lie or sneak. Up until now he had kept that promise, he was still keeping it even though he had no obligation too.

As he attempted to get back on track, Jakob confessed to have looked for him. Because he was omitting his details it probably came off more as an excuse than a sign that he did care. Across the table, Kieran sighed and shifted once more. His harsh words stung and again he was not convinced that Kieran still cared as Abel claimed. "The same I've wanted every time you shoved me away." he confessed. "I'm sorry that I was selfish, I'm sorry that I didn't want you to fight my battles for me. But if it makes you feel any better I royally ******** up that job and that's why I came home."

Unable to hold back, a few tears slipped down his cheeks. Jakob swiped at them as quickly as they fell. His face burned and his throat was tight with emotion. He wanted to leave. He was wasting his one and only chance here with Kieran and he knew it. Jakob didn't know how to express how much missed Kieran, how badly he had wanted him to come back, and how he missed spending every day with him. There were no words for that kind of longing, and even if there were he doubted Kieran to sit around and listen to them.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • ❛ 𝙅𝙪𝙙𝙜𝙚, 𝙅𝙪𝙧𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙀𝙭𝙚𝙘𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙧.❜



While he sat there, Abel remained quiet. He allowed the two of them to hash it out though it didn't seem like it was going well. Abel felt like being there he was only antagonizing the situation. He wasn't sure if he should stay or go, perhaps that would help. Although he knew it would only upset Miguel by leaving him to deal with Kirean.

Kirean knew he only had himself to blame for allowing Miguel to sleep with whomever he pleased. However if he had made a fuss would it have made a difference. He knew Abel provided comfort that he sometimes didn't provide. Kirean wished he had stopped them though it was probably only jealousy on both sides.

Sitting there, Kirean couldn't contain the anger he held. He leaned back questioning Miguel. Kirean still wasn't getting the answer he wanted nor was Miguel obviously. He listened as Miguel responded again. Kirean soon watched as Miguel broke down watching as the tears he'd been holding back slid down his face.

”Do you not think you didn't shove me away?...I wanted to help you but you wouldn't let me…Yes, I left but it was clear you thought I couldn't help you…” He responded feeling like they were talking in circles. ”Do you not think for one second I wouldn't have laid down my life for you?” Kirean asked knowing he was being dramatic but he still loved Miguel and cared for him.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

Despite the heated conversation he was glad that Abel was still there. If anything he was an excellent witness to take notes and point out where he was going wrong in all of this. From his own viewpoint it seemed like nothing he said or did made Kieran want to forgive him. Perhaps they had waited too long for this conversation to happen. Kieran seemed beyond and wanting anything to do with him. Maybe he was right and he should just choose Abel. If only it were that simple. With each angry word it felt like a knife to the heart and Jakob was nearing his breaking point.

Hot tears spilled down his cheeks as he again tried to apologize. Crying wasn't going to get him anywhere, but he couldn't stop himself. He listened as Kieran spoke, blaming him for their inevitable end. Jakob bit his lower lip to keep himself from crying even harder, sniffling softly as he aimed his gaze away from both Kieran and Abel. Opening his mouth, he tried to speak but not words came out. His throat was too tight and it felt like the whole world was watching their display. Swallowing, he tried again.

"I didn't want you to die." he croaked. Wiping his eye with the heel of his hand, Jakob sniffled again. "I didn't want any of us to die...I thought...I wanted to protec...t-to p-protect you..." Jakob wanted to go on, but found himself too emotional. His tears fell in big angry blobs and into his lap. His shoulders shook and it was all he could do to hold back his voice. He sat in the booth a few minutes weeping until he was able to speak.

"This isn't working." he said, switching languages and talking only to Abel. "It doesn't matter that I still love him. Because he doesn't love me." He looked to Kieran again, feeling like he had already lost him. They were just going to keep talking in circles until someone got annoyed, and that someone would probably be Kieran.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • ❛ 𝙅𝙪𝙙𝙜𝙚, 𝙅𝙪𝙧𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙀𝙭𝙚𝙘𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙧.❜



It was easy to blame each other however in the end they were both at fault in the situation. He had left because Miguel pushed him away and in the end he'd only pushed Miguel into Abel's arms. Kirean wasn't surprised after all Abel took care of those who needed him.

As he spoke, he watched as Miguel spoke, only breaking down more as he cried. Kirean watched though as Miguel soon spoke again but not to him. He found it amusing he'd switch languages because he wanted to avoid him knowing. Kirean didn't blame him though he thought perhaps he'd been clear about his own feelings but it seemed the more they talked it only created miscommunication. He wasn't sure why he was trying either.

Abel watched from across the table as Miguel broke down. He thought perhaps this wasn't a good idea, as much as he had hoped. Abel listened as Miguel spoke soon talking toward him. He was surprised by his words to assume such. ”How do you assume as such, you haven't asked?” Abel questioned in return in the same language. He didn't understand how Miguel thought Kirean didn't care for him especially when Kirean admitted he'd die for him then see him hurt.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

Sitting there beside himself, he was only becoming more upset with their conversation. It seemed there was a lot more hurt and miscommunication from both sides than he recalled. Despite his best efforts to defend himself, Jakob felt like he was only making Kieran even more angry. And in the process he was also making himself even more upset. Switching languages, Jakob turned his attention to Abel, already waving the white flag, in what seemed like his obvious defeat.

Tears continued to stream down his face as he looked towards Kieran. He sniffled and reached for a napkin from the center of the table to wipe his nose. So far the man had said nothing in response to his previous words, and he worried that this was it. Though it was kind of fitting it was. Left again, one last time, at a bistro in his home town no less. Before Jakob could allow his mind to wander off too far with that thought, Abel interjected with questions of his own.

His cheeks darkened and his eyes welled with renewed emotion. Jakob knew that Abel was right. He hadn't asked him. He blinked the tears away and took a shaky breath. "Because," he said switching back to English. "It's easier to believe that he doesn't care when all he does is fume and growl. The Kieran I know and love, he never raised a hand to me." His answer was simple, but honest nonetheless. Jakob could have easily gone on about how Kieran also would not have left him by himself or let this conversation go unspoken for so long. But what would have been the point. He felt like all they knew how to do was fight and hurt one another. He yearned for the days when Kieran would just come back and hold him, whispering words of love and understanding as they tried their best to overcome whatever it was they were fighting about that week.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • ❛ 𝙅𝙪𝙙𝙜𝙚, 𝙅𝙪𝙧𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙀𝙭𝙚𝙘𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙧.❜



Kirean didn't know what more he could say. He only seemed to be hurting Miguel more and growing irritated by the second. Kirean hadn't responded as they both seemed to blame the other and didn't want to take the blame. He continued on in silence as he sat there, watching Abel and Miguel conversed as if he wasn't there.

It wasn't long before Miguel soon responded as he switched back to English. Abel listened as Miguel spoke though Kirean only took the brunt of the words. He was guilty of hurting Miguel in more ways than one. Kirean was tired of the conversation, it was leading nowhere. He shifted in the seat wanting to leave, ”Look, I'm sorry I hurt you but don't ******** accuse me of not loving you…I love you, but you didn't need me and its obvious you still don't.” Kirean angrily toward Miguel and glanced at Abel. He blamed both of them for pushing him away.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

Jakob didn't want this to be his last conversation with Kieran. He could see that the man was growing irritated with him. He probably wanted to shut up his incessant crying. Not only that, but Jakob knew that he wasn't helping matter by switching languages and excluding Kieran from the conversation. He too was growing tired of the conversation. He wasn't trying to blame Kieran, he just wanted him understand his intentions back then. Nothing he did then was to cause harm but he ended up doing that anyway. As Abel questioned him, Jakob switched back to English as he gave his answer.

He watched as Kieran shifted in his seat across from him. He feared that any moment now he was going to jump up and leave. Jakob listened to him apologize before his tone turned angry. He flinched at the accusations and shook his head. "That's not true." he sobbed. "I did need you...if I had listened to you, I would not have almost gotten myself cut in half!" Standing from his seat, Jakob pulled at his clothes to reveal the large ugly scar stretching over his right side. He stood there shaking, allowing a moment for the male to absorb the ghastly wound before covering up once more.

Falling back into his seat, Jakob wiped at his tear stained face. "This is what I didn't want to happen to you. I love you too much to want to see you get hurt." When he spoke his voice was quiet, he wasn't even sure that either Abel or Kieran could hear him. "So I'm sorry for everything."

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • ❛ 𝙅𝙪𝙙𝙜𝙚, 𝙅𝙪𝙧𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙀𝙭𝙚𝙘𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙧.❜



Kirean couldn't help but grow angry. He was pissed at Miguel because he wouldn't allow him to help though it was obvious he'd allowed Abel to help him. Kirean didn't know what Miguel wanted from him. He still hadn't gotten an answer. Kirean listened as Miguel responded surprised by his words as he stood to reveal a scar running over the right side of his abdomen.

Sitting there, he wanted to run his hand over Miguel's blemished skin. Kirean listened as Miguel again commented on the thought of getting hurt instead. ”I've been hurt plenty of times, what's one more time?... but you didn't trust me to protect or help you?” He questioned as Miguel apologized to him.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

No matter what he said or did, it didn't seem like this was going to end well. Jakob didn't know what else he could do at this point. He had apologized and thought he was making it clear that he still cared about Kieran. It was not his original intention to reveal what had happened after Kieran left, but in an act of desperation he wanted to show just how stupid he had been. Jakob stood there revealing his scarred side. He was unable to read Kieran's expression other than the obvious shock. Jakob wasn't proud of what he did, if anything he was ashamed of himself for thinking he could handle such a job all on his own. Covering himself once more, Jakob sat back down. He was a little embarrassed by causing such a scene, but he didn't know what else to do.

Sitting there he hugged his arms to his abdomen in order to calm himself. Jakob raised his eyes to Kieran. He didn't know what else he could say. "I'm sorry." he said, apologizing once more. "I thought I was strong enough to do it all on my own...I was wrong, and stupid, and selfish." Jakob paused another moment, swallowing hard. "I've missed you so much and I don't know what I can do to convince you to be with me again. I messed up, I know that, and I just...It was never my intention to make you feel unwanted or unloved or anything else like that...I'm sorry." Sucking in his bottom lip Jakob turned his gaze to his lap. He could only hope that his words reached Kieran as he meant each and every one of them. He was tired of being single and alone. He wanted to be held by him and never let go.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • ❛ 𝙅𝙪𝙙𝙜𝙚, 𝙅𝙪𝙧𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙀𝙭𝙚𝙘𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙧.❜



Kirean found Miguel was strong and brave for showing his weakness. He knew his own weaknesses were shrouded in the past though still lingered on the surface at times. Kirean watched Miguel as he sat back down. He waited as Miguel looked up and soon spoke again. Kirean could understand stupidity after all he hated himself for leaving Miguel to fend for himself.

As Miguel continued to worry. Their worlds had changed. He wasn't so sure how to be with Miguel when he didn't live here and he hardly thought Miguel would return to Chicago. Kirean also was surprised Miguel would want to be with him still. He thought he'd broken their relationship. Kirean though was concerned about the other man at the table who'd been silent most of the time. He glanced at Abel then Miguel. ”What about Abel? Where does he stand on your feelings?” Kirean asked not to be oblivious to what had been going on between them.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

Realistically, he didn't know how things would work between them. Even if Kieran did forgive him, their lives were completely changed as compared to before. Getting another visa together would be hard, not only that it would take time and money that he didn't have. While his savings weren't completely dried up from his former life, he didn't need to go wasting it all on plane trips and cab rides. The same went for Kieran. He couldn't imagine him dropping everything to come to Germany. And unlike Abel, he wasn't sure how much of the language he knew. It would be harder for him if he wasn't fluent. They had been so stupid in everything and there was no taking it back. All they could do was try to forgive and move forward.

With one more heart wrenched apology given, Jakob was a little surprised with himself as well. While he had talked about breaking up with Kieran for good, deep down he still yearned for him. He missed him. He missed the smell of his cologne, the way he used to hold him every night before they went to sleep, the meals they would share, and the places they would go. Kieran was always so sweet and loving, he hated what this fight had done to him. And what was worse is that it was all Jakob's fault. The three of them sat silently for a moment or two, it was Kieran who break it. His question was to be expected. Jakob glanced towards Abel, swallowing once more. "Abel knows that I like him, and I think he might like me." he said, honestly. He turned his gaze back to Kieran as he watched him closely. "But he's made it clear that we will never date. In fact, until late last night, I didn't even know Abel was in Germany. I haven't seen him since the day I flew home." Jakob didn't know how else to describe what he had with Abel. He wasn't his lover, his boyfriend. If anything, he was a confidant that he occasionally slept with whenever he was upset and things were on the brink of doom with Kieran.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • ❛ 𝙅𝙪𝙙𝙜𝙚, 𝙅𝙪𝙧𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙀𝙭𝙚𝙘𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙧.❜



The idea of commuting didn't appeal to him, he liked the idea of separating from Miguel once again even less. He too missed their nights and days together. Kirean wanted to hold Miguel and shower him in kisses. He had been surprised by Miguel's words. Kirean hadn't expected him to still want him after he screwed up.

Questioning Miguel, he couldn't help himself. Kirean didn't think the reason Abel was here was for him. He knew Abel cared for Miguel though just not the extent. Kirean listened as Miguel spoke though seemed disappointed by his own words about Abel. He nodded at his words, ”You like him and yet you want more from him?” Kirean asked curiously as he felt Abel shift beside him.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

By all accounts he should want nothing to do with Kieran. The man was a repeated flight risk, prone to shutting him out, and slightly unhinged when provoked. But when thinking about all the times they shared together, it was easy to look past those instances. Kieran had been a better boyfriend than any man he'd ever been with. He regretted his choices and hurting him so much so that he felt no other choice than to leave him. He couldn't imagine the pain that Kieran felt these last two years and he wanted nothing more than to make it up to him.

As Kieran continued to interrogate him, Jakob answered him honestly. He too did not know the extent of Abel's feelings, though he had his suspicions. Nobody just dropped everything, traveled eight hours out of their way, and showed up out of the blue on a whim. As Jakob spoke, he knew that the man was not pleased by his words. If anything, he was sure that Kieran regretted the question altogether. Watching him nod his head, he was then questioned again. Beside him, Abel shifted and he was curious to know what he was thinking. "No...yes." he replied. Sighing, Jakob looked between the two, his heart aching for them both. "Two and a half years ago, you said I could be with him so long as you always first in my heart. That's never changed, and it still hasn't. Could you live with it if I kept these feelings for him?"

Jakob couldn't help wanting to ask that question. It was something he often thought about. It was one thing for Kieran to say he could stand it, but another altogether if he was just going to get angry any time he was with Abel. He knew it was greedy for him to want both men. But he couldn't change his own heart. Somehow in the years that he had grown to know them both he had come to love them both in his own way. It wasn't easy and it wasn't fair, but he didn't know how to stop himself from feeling this way.