It was dark and cold inside her mind.
Greyleaf had reluctantly taken the cure, for the simple sake of not abandoning her kits and allowing herself to succumb to the sickness. It had been a cold, lonely day, after the death of her mate. The loss of Badgerclaw was only soured further as the cats who had taken the other cure options pulled through and got better. What a terrible death, knowing that if one cat had chosen to give him just one of the other things, he may still be alive beside her. That whole day she had wailed away, never daring to leave her deceased mates side. Even as his body grew cold and any reminder of life drained from his pelt, she wouldn't leave. Not like she had anywhere to go, anyway, until all the cats were better and the medicine cats could confirm they were cured. If any cat tried to approach her, or, Starclan forbid, try to take away Badgerclaw, she'd go into a tired hissing madness, snarling and threatening. The only cat she allowed close to her precious one had been Whitetail, not even Softfeather or the medicine cats could get close without meeting her wrath. The rest of her time spent at the meeting tree was in silence, angry silence. As cats slowly gained their health back she would spit and growl, bitter and distraught. Why couldn't they be Badgerclaw? These cats had found a cure far too late! This was there fault! All she could do was desperately blame the cats around her and those in the stars. This didn't save herself from blame, though, as she'd constantly wail in the corner. How could she have done this? She should've helped him! She never got to be an elder alongside him. It was ripping her in two. Life felt like a burden she didn't want to carry, but had to.
Her time in camp was no better. After the cats had returned to health and the dead had been buried, she was somber and quiet. Her wails had died down but it was almost worse, as her anguish now plagued her eyes. Once lively and bright, filled with wonder and love, had turned dark. There was no more excitement or care in them as she walked through the camp endlessly. She had broken the news to Cloudshine and Torrentswipe, but, when she did, she seemed broken.. like she was just relaying news that she didn't really care about. It was her fault, she didn't want to think about it. Her mind blocked out the emotions it brought, trying desperately to hold whatever was left of her together by making her numbed to everything. She didn't want to feel, she wanted to sleep. She wanted to sleep beside Badgerclaw and forget he was even gone, but he was gone.. and no matter how many piles of moss she pressed herself against, it would never be enough to replicate the warmth of her lost love. Nothing would. She loved her kits dearly, but even they couldn't replace him. He was special to her, she was his moonbeam and he was her fuzzball, but.. what was she now? She would've given her life for him, but now what would she do? Before she had met Badgerclaw, she had spent her life caring for other cats, putting them first and ignoring her own troubles and concerns with life.. when she was with him, though, she felt loved, protected. She felt like she could share her fears and her hopes freely. But.. now.. she was surrounded by strangers she called clanmates, and she was scared.
After breaking the news to her children, she had resigned to sitting alone in the warriors den. To nobodies surprise she stopped doing warriors duties, even though she remained in the warriors den. She closed herself off from almost any cat, the only exception being her kits. Although, even them were given a cold shoulder often times. One could usually find Greyleaf sleeping in her nest or walking mindlessly through the forest. Sometimes she'd bring back prey, though she'd always drop it off with one of her kids instead of the prey pile. What did the clan matter? Only her family mattered now.. or, what she had left. If you saw her in the camp, she was usually alone, and that's how she wanted it to be. Silence. Silence for her to wail in her mind and let her pain show through her gaze. Her bitterness had only rose as the deputy had started a family of his own, with his mate Pineripple. Oh, how perfect. Greyleaf was happy for them, yes.. but it made her heart ache violently. How could cats feel happy? Why couldn't she? Oh she wanted that so bad. She wanted to feel the joy she had when she'd met Badgerclaw, the joy she'd felt when she had her kits, but all of that was lost. Every ounce of hope for the future had drained away like a trickling river in the green-leaf sun.
On this particular night in the warriors den, she felt cold. Her body shivered and she could feel a chill run up her spine. Was it actually a cold night? Or, was she just feeling things. "Badgerclaw... it's cold.." She whispered, snuggling further into her moss bed. Was he listening to her..? Would he even care? She'd let him die.. it should've been her. She should've been the one to go, he had so much to live for.. he had a calm life ahead of him! Her body shook again and she placed her tail over her muzzle. Where were her kits..? Were they beside her? She couldn't tell. Did it even matter? This cold wasn't coming from the environment, it was deep inside her, an ache, trying to break through into her mind. She had to get out of here.. she had to leave this den.
With shaky paws, the older she-cat forced herself up, slowly stumbling out of the den. She was careless, not concerned for whether or not she woke up any of the nearby warriors. What did it matter? She was going to a new den, where Badgerclaw was. Badgerclaw had to be in the elders den.. that's where she said she'd join him, why not now? Greyleaf had promised him, promised him they would curl up together as elders in that den, until the end of their life, and then for the rest of their afterlife as well. She could curl up there.. curl up and pretend that he was at her side. She could sleep all day and night to join him in the stars. Then maybe she'd be happy. She was so cold, so lonely. There would be no nest in the elders den for her tonight, but she didn't care much. As her paws carried her into the dark den, where she could hear the breathing of cats, was that Flamingrose..? Oh well. She let her body collapse to the ground, she felt exhausted. Her head felt so heavy.. She could smell Badgerclaw.. it had been so long, his lingering scent wasn't there anymore, but her brain made her think it was. She felt no need officially retire, no care for whatever the leader and other cats thought of her. None of that mattered now. Badgerclaw was here.. he's here with her.. and she can rest.