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As though life couldn't get any worse, since the death of both his parents, his clan suffered another loss. As he had just come to terms with his dead mother, one of his parents old friends Flamingrose died. No. Not just DIED, he was murdered. In cold blood, an old tomcat who had teased and taught him as a kit was left to rot amongst the floor until they dragged him home. He supposed it was.. fitting, though, the old cat dying a warriors death. Torrentswipe couldn't recall any cat older, and he seemed intent on not passing on. Part of Torrentswipe was convinced that if he hadn't been killed Flamingrose would've simply kept on living.. but he didn't. He had been killed, and then they had fought the murderers.
Torrentswipe wasn't strongly connected to Starclan, and he didn't understand the complex workings of clan affairs and magic what have you. But, he did know he could fight. He was just a warrior, but he was a warrior with a purpose. Not only did he lose a loved one to these monstrosities, but his father had blessed him, granted him strength and protection when he needed it most..
And Torrentswipe failed.
He fell in battle, he was helped back along with slurries of other injured cats, broken and bruised. As cats whispered about the fight and what was to follow after, as medicine cats and leaders hustled about, he stay curled in his den, staring at the gashes that covered his flank. He had gotten battle scars.. something so many cats had.. so many were proud of, but he couldn't be. He spent night after night restless and afraid, unable to find comfort in his own nest.
And, finally, he was able to drift to sleep. His first night since the attack being able to doze off into what he called relaxing.. but it didn't last long, as the sounds of wind caused his ears to twitch, and the soft swaying grasses tickled his nose. One of his eyes slowly opened.. and all he saw before him were a set of orange paws. He wasn't afraid, though. He had been here many times before. Slowly his head began to raise, and he blinked in confusion. "Uhm.. hello..?" He grumbled, staring up at the slightly familiar cat. "You.. aren't my parents." Torrentswipe said slowly, sounding a bit confused still.
Rosepaw couldn't help but snicker, the serious expression she had held fading. "Of course I'm not. I'm an orange tabby! And tiny!" She poked him a bit with her paw as she crouched down to be at his level. "Don't you remember me? We played when I was a kit." She whispered, tilting her head as a slight glint of recognition passed over Torrentswipes gaze. "Roseki- Roseshadow.. Rosepaw..?" He whispered, narrowing his eyes. "The last one there! We aren't quite to Roseshadow.." she sighed. "But I'm not here to talk about my name. I'm here for you, it's.. kind of my thing." Rosepaw smiled, settling herself down as Torrentswipe sat up. "You've barely slept. I know, I've been trying to contact you since the battle, and I wasn't able to. Why?" She was always so blunt with her approach..
Torrentswipe almost laughed, nerves taking over. How awkward could this be, as a nearly kit sized cat sat before him, asking him about his sleeping habits? "Why do you think, huh? It isn't easy, getting a good night's sleep after you fight cats made of shadow shards!" His tone was light and joking, as per usual, as he placed a paw on his tail to stop it was lashing back and forth as he recalled the beasts.
"Are you sure..? That's a pretty cool scar you've got there." Rosepaw hummed, titling her head as she leaned to the side and peered at the long gashes. "I'm impressed, really. It's insanely large.. it's a miracle you didn't go and bleed out from that, don't you think?"
Torrentswipe scoffed. "A miracle? If that's what all thats going on is, you cats have an odd idea of miracles." He turned his attention away, gazing off into the distant grasses. "I don't see why you're here. You haven't visited me in forever.. and you obviously aren't here for a game of badger." He wasn't asking a question, but his statement seemed puzzled none the less.
"I told you why I was here." Rosepaw groaned. Every time. Everytime they asked why after she had said it! "It's what I do! Living cats are.. complicated. You're all feeling so alone, but you aren't. You need cats to talk to, and that's me! Although, it would be a lot easier on all of us dead cats if you all learned to talk things out with your families."
"That would be really easy if my family wasn't dead, wouldn't it be?" He snapped, before quickly pulling back. "Ah- I'm.. I'm sorry. That was rude.."
"Oh! Calm down, Torrentswipe! My families dead too. I get it!" Perhaps now wasn't the perfect time for a joke, but at the very least Torrentswipe didn't get.. upset at it.
"Oh.. yeah. Flamingrose talked about you a lot, didn't he.. and now.. oh I'm sorry." He whispered, turning to stare at the ground. Rosepaw just laughed, waving her paw. "It's fine, it's fine! You think I'm upset that my dad is with me now? That's the least of my concern!" She insisted. "No.. no but.. I'm sorry." Torrentswipe hesitated, blinking up from the earth beneath him to meet her gaze. "We all.. we all let him die.. he died struggling and fighting.. and we.. I couldn't even manage to honor him..!" He knew she didn't care, so why did he feel so horrible about it..?
".. I walked out of that fight with a scar..! I didn't win, and I still got to walk home, and all I hear from cats is that I look cooler..!" Torrentswipe exclaimed. "And he died! How is that fair..?! I got to go home and he didn't! We couldn't even kill the cats that did it to him! Even in death, him and every other Starclan cat has to come and help us! What was that death FOR?!" Rosepaw.. didn't know. She had no idea. What was it for? Why did her father die, when so many others lived? Why the cat he was with survive? Why did Softfeather die? None of it was fair. ".. Torrentswipe.. we don't get to choose." She whispered, but it didn't seem to help as tears welled in the tomcats eyes. "No. No I know.. I KNOW we don't.." he seemed at a loss, shaking his head as he blinked, frantically trying to keep his composure.
"I know we don't get to choose.. death is so natural, it happens to all of us! They aren't even lost forever, they're here..! I know.. but.. why does it still hurt so bad?" His voice shook as did his body, while he tried to keep it all level and together.. and failed miserably. "All the moons I've spent worshiping the dead. Preparing to lose the cats I love.. and it still hurts.."
Rosepaw slowly creeped forward, raising herself up and pressing her nose to Torrentswipes shoulder. "I know. I know it hurts.. and it's okay." She hummed quietly, closing her eyes for a brief moment. All that pain and fear.. even she still felt it time and time again. "Let it hurt. It's okay. You aren't alone, and you never will be."
It would be lovely to say for the first time in nights Torrentswipe slept soundly, or he felt at peace, but he didn't. He cried and sobbed to a dead cat, and when the dream faded he cried and sobbed in his restless sleep. Tossing and turning as he always had. He wasn't done grieving, not yet, and he found some space for joy in knowing that it was okay.
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