this is called thinking?(i really need feedback)

[andsoifall_]

"Maybe I don't exist."
That's a common thought. It's hard for anyone not to question existence. It's hard for anyone to just know what they exist for. I wish I knew. If someone asks me, what do I say? "I don't know"? That doesn't sound right at all. May be I should tell them that I don't want to know. Would knowing why we exist change anything? What if I found out and didn't like it? I couldn't very well run away from it. I couldn't just turn and flee. Why am I even thinking about it? If perhaps I didn't exist, would I know it? What would be the difference? Isolation? Why would someone who doesn't exist have the thought to challenge it? I can't really mention it to many people. The simple reply would be "God decides." But what if it doesn't? What if "God" doesn't decide? How do I know I can't decide for myself? We don't have an instruction manual. How do we know that if we can't hit the right part of our body and just shut off? What if there is a pause button? A way to step back from everything and evaluate. Take a break and create a strategy before heading back in. Is it even possible that we could change everything around us without anyone realizing it? Am I the only one to think of this? I hate to sound clique, but I can't help but think how things have been and could be different. I could lose it all. Again. I could "change" again. Everyone could have another reason to tell me they liked the "old" me better. If I changed, would they even say that? But why would I change? I'm happy with who I am. I'm the person I want to be and the person she wants to be with. Why doesn't everyone else agree? Could there be more than one side to William? To me? Which side of me should I be? Those that tell me they liked the "old me" better, why is that? What changed? How have I changed so drastically? Is it possible someone can change without knowing it?

"I want to be remembered."
When everything is over and done with, I don't want to be a forgotten character. I don't want to be the one that everyone says "Oh god, what was his name?" I want to burn in their minds. When they think of the story, I want my name to distinguish itself from the rest. I want to be known. I want everyone to look back and still remember me. Two years from now. Even six years from now. When my friends today are on their deathbeds sometime down the road, I want to be remembered. I want to be on their minds. I want anyone that meets me to remember my face. I'll make sure of it. Is it possible that's what makes everything worth it? For all the insignificants to look at you and say "I remember when…"? I think there's more to it. There has to be more to it. Why does everyone remember the valleys but never the peaks? When I think back to my seventeen years, a majority of the years stand out as horrible. They weren't horrible to me at the time. Was it because I didn't know better? I've aged since then. Will all the acquaintances I've made remember me down the road? Will I just be a road sign they passed? Or will I be the great bend in the road that made them see things from a different side? Or the strong curve that made them decides to roll off the side or slam on brakes and try again? Have I hurt anybody by mistake? Have I caused more around me than I am aware of? Oh, the power of words. I don't fear anyone. It's their words that can cut me. It's words that change and pain everyone. I've never known someone to fear something as much as words. They can be sharp. They can be two-sided. What they can't be though is forgotten. It's easier to forget a person than their words. Are words what makes people remember us? Are words what decides the lives everyone will live? Is it possible that words could be forgotten? The most famous quotes don't have authors. If I was a word, would I still be forgotten? Do I think this way so someone else won't? People have thought this way since thought became common. There's no way in the world I'm the only one. But who else feels this way? Who can honestly tell me they know what I mean? Or that they even have an answer for me? I put myself in everything I do. In life, I try for everything I want. In love, I love with all I am. I don't half-way anything. I can't afford to do that. I live without regrets. I live for what I want. I live for me. In friendship, I help all I can. I listen. I try to do anything to help. But yet I'm watching my friends disappear like nightmares during a loud night. I can't stop now though. I'm going to continue to live for everything I want. I'm going to continue to love as much as my heart can contain. I'm going to be the friend I know I can be. I just need to find the friends for it. For those friends that have stood by me, I obviously don't deserve it. If I deserved it, I wouldn't have lost so many of them. But that's all.  

[AiSatu]

That is extremely thoughtful, I doubt if I even have the patience to write something out like that.

Sadly, nothing can be done to change the fact that some will forget us in the end. People grow old, and with age comes new experience. With new experience comes the trashing of un-needed memories - such as a childhood friend. The most I can say is hold good friends dear and continue to make new ones. Even on deathbeads the ones you really made an impact on will remember your name, if not your face.

As for change - it is inevitable. Whether we realize it or not our experiences and those we chose to surround ourselves with are the main factors in who we become. Everyone changes, though most don't take pride in it. At times, change may ward off old friends but at the same time it may attract new ones. Change is all a part of the maturing package. When you grow older you continue to mold your personality until finally you hit your adult age and realize that it is what you were meant to become.
Keep changing, keep growing, and keep experiencing the joy of new friends.

Existance, as well as change, is inevitable. We can't stop our own being and it is out of God's hands. What we do comes from our own mind, or possible from fate. If everything was pre-decided would the free will god graced us with even be true? Also, if we were destined to do certain things why does every decision come with choices? Either way, everything we do has an affect on something or someone elso, even the smallest of things; Kara took out the garbage, a dog got into it and ate a bar of chocolate, it returned to its owner and died that night, a poor widow lost her only friend. Likewise, somewhere a person is doing something that will hit US in the face someday, but this is what makes life. Much of what comes of us depends on the actions of others.

I enjoyed reading this. :] It was well thought out.  

[Soulfire29]

That´s deep...
But i do understand...
I have felt the same way for a long time...
I do now think that our purpose in life is to love and to be loved and i know for sure that we won´t be forgotten by the people who have truly loved us.
I know I can´t ask for immortality any more than I could ask never to be forgotten...But i know that my soul will continue to keep on living and that the hearts of the people i´ve touched during my life will be open for me always.I´m truly convinced I´ve did an awfull lot of good and bad thing but in the end i´ve led a colorfull life and i´ve known true love and I hope that one day i´ll even get the previllage to meet my future children.( I ache for children,in my case foster-children )

I also think that we as humans long for a purpose in life...A higher purpose than loving ( although in my mind there is nothing more valuable )but maybe just maybe... that´s really all there is.In the greater scheme of things ( the infinite univers )we are totally insignificant,we are specks...even less in the blackness of our galaxy ( as we call it ).
So who the hel are we to decide we should even have a purpose.Maybe we are just here...to be...

To round this up...I wish you all the happiness you can contain my fellow Gaian.Life has a lot in store for you...live it to the max!
Soulfire29  

[Summoned Shadows]

wow.. o_O...i think my hair just caught fire, and my brain imploded...thats really deep man..use that talent of yours wisely and you can make a good amount of money..