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Exasperation towards Perfection.
I know that some of us will never feel like we're good enough for our families. We try every single day to do what they think is the right thing. At what point, I wonder, do we lose ourselves? Ever since I was very little I've felt that I would never be good enough for them. When my grandmother was around, she would stand up for me, and comfort me when my grandpa was being an a**. Now that she's gone and he's remarried, I find myself lacking the backbone to stand up for myself. My father left my mother and me when I was 2 months old. We moved in with my grandparents. I've always felt, since they found out I had ADD, that I was a disappointment to them. I wasn't like the other kids. I didn't fit in. I thought differently and questioned everything. They couldn't treat me like the other kids. Other kids, you could push to get to do their school work. Me... I'd just break down, and stop. I still do it. I can't be pressured, or I'll stop... I'll just give up. I wish I could change it but I can't. When my grandmother died, there was alot of pressure for me to do this, and do that, and be different. Everyone was depressed, which made me depressed. In may, after I turned 21, I left it all. I didn't care what anyone thought or said about it. If I stayed there any longer I would've killed myself. I found the best thing in my life by leaving. I'm married now. Things got rough and we had to leave our apartment in NC. We asked my grandfather if we could move in with him (since my mom and godmom are living there as well) shortly before he got remarried. He said that it was fine and we could stay as long as we needed. So we get our stuff and move down to Alabama. Shortly after arriving he pulls this stuff about us getting a job. Well we hadnt really had time to find one, and I want a really good one right? So I surf monster trying to find the right job while David works on his online jobs. grandpa says we're being lazy and need to just go out and apply at target or food world. ... I have 7 years of professional sales experience... and he wants me to work at freakin' foodworld! So I break down (even though I have a bad back and hip) and take this food world job in the deli. I fall on my first night and bust up my tail bone (which I find out might hinder me in child birth) and have been having back problems ever since. But no, I kept working. I kept going in. So then I get real sick (probably from the raw chicken and bloody water on the top of the box that they just put right back on and put in the cooler) and i'm throwing up every hour. I call in and they say that if I do it again I'll lose my job. so I'm sick the next day so I just call in and quit cause I hate the job anyway and it's killing my back. I've already injured myself once there. So Grandpa comes home with his new wife last night and my godmom tells them. Tonight at dinner they start on me about work and stuff and then pull this s**t about how if we're not working we dont deserve money or help from anyone. Like we're not even trying. I mean what the freak is he gonna do? Kick us out? Some Christian he is. No wonder people hate Christians. We're all such hypocrites. It';s rediculous. I just needed to vent for a bit. Igore me or comfort me. your choice.
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