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User Comments: [3]

half_vamp 777
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Sun Feb 03, 2008 @ 02:40pm

why not call it "Failure to Move On"?

half_vamp 777
Community Member

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Sun Feb 03, 2008 @ 02:42pm

its still a bad a** poem,hun
i luv you still heart heart heart heart heart

Kayla-Kay Koala
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Fri Apr 04, 2008 @ 02:48am

I really really like this one.
Not sure about any suggestions. Maybe change "overcome" at the end of the poem to a different verb? Reading that last line quickly, I scanned it as "Never let the man of your heart become your whims." Which made no sense.

Thought of something. Perhaps work with the wording in the third stanza. That last line confused me a bit. Maybe change like to 'such as'?
Never filled even with a thousand maidens such as I. Otherwise, it kind of sounds like she has been filled with a thousand maidens and he hasn't. Instead of saying that he can't be filled, even with an outrageous number of girls.

User Comments: [3]

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