The walk was very calming and left me feeling slightly energized. I think I might go out walking at night more often. As I was walking I wondered vaquely whether or not I would miss the streets i walked down so many times growing up here and if the place I decide to go to next would have something similar to it's feel. I think once in a Blue Moon I would miss this place, it's rather pretty in the spring and early summer and gorgeous in the fall. But other than that I think I could easily leave it because although I've grown comfortable here I feel rather stunted and and caged up and I can't say all the memories I have here are fond but I think I should grow to get used to that because I am sure life isn't done in that department and most likely never will be.
But that's ok. I don't mind. I've lasted this long I see no reason to get depressed over it now. After deciding that I wouldn't miss it too much I wondered where exactly I would go next either way. I think it would be good for me to leave the area but where would I go and not feel lonely? Yes I do feel lonely here a lot but I still have something to connect me to reality here...I won't have that if I leave. I guess I'll ponder that later though I need to stop putting things off so much.
At least school is almost over - and I have mixed feelings about that too. A few weeks ago I was dreading this time sooo much. I would be leaving behind a lot of friends and being the way I am it's hard for me to make a conscious effort to stay in touch with people which is really sad on my part. I know I'll have a lot of regrets on what I did or didn't do over my course of high school but I think it will be a tremedous relief when it's all done. And after that initial relief worry and more sadness will come rushing in to fill up any gaps because heaven forbid Jessica get to relax for long. But I'm lazy so I guess I can't complain so I won't. Though thinking about it now if I leave here sooner rather than later I wonder how much of that responsibility I know is waiting for me here will leave and be replaced by something a little more different, but prehaps more difficult?
I look at all of my older siblings and wonder why they are the way they are. My three eldest siblings never finished High School and two of them are still pretty in a rut and I don't forsee them getting out anytime soon. My fourth eldest pretty much has her life set out for her and I can't say I envy her at all but she seems to be content with it but I can't imagine why...Maybe it's because she just doesn't know what else is out there I guess. I wonder how my younger siblings will be. I can see The two that live with my mom ending up like my eldest sibling but maybe they won't...I don't see college in their future though...I don't really see it in my though either /=
But that's another thing that doesn't bother me much. College isn't going to gaurentee me an easier life and I don't feel ready to force myself into something that will decide my path for the rest of my life. But again Oh well, right? My fourth eldest sibling went to college but she dropped out. Which leave sme an opportunity to fullfill something and be "better" than all my elder siblings but I don't feel a need to. I am pretty disconnected from them right now and don't need to prove myself better than them, I am so different from them that it would be silly to do so.
And now when I think about college I always connect it to my dad. He was the one who was always lecturing me about school, I felt like my mother just went along with it, she never graduated high school either. I'm not so simple minded that I would do badly in something because I didn't know hwo to do good, it would be all due to my laziness and lack of drive.
Well look at this I seem to have babbled on about nothing really. Again. So I'll just end it here. Not that anyone will read this anyways, I wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing...
Rawrs.
Community Member
~.....could i ask what it is that keeps you sticking to reality?~
~.......also, i don't need logic, so i wouldn't mind hearing your reason for crying, if only to see if it is a preventable reason, and if i can help.~
~......also, you will ALWAYS have me + Amy, so don't worry!~
~......and, if you ever need ANYTHING, call us up, cuz thats what friends are for!~
~....and good luck......~