I've been on this emotional roller coaster for exactly one week. Last Sunday, my boyfriend told me he had feelings for another girl, my best friend Ellen* (* name changed).
Since then I've gone through several emotional break downs over this whole thing. We've been together for almost a year and a half and now I feel like it might've been a waste of time. I thought I made him happy but I've been second guessing myself now. I dont rly know how I'm supposed to feel. I've blogged about this on every website, looking for direction, help from anyone, anywhere, from somewhere inside me. I've never felt more confused about what I want. I thought that all I wanted was a normal life with a normal husband and normal career...but now I see that what I really needed was someone to believe in, someone to love and love me back. I dont really care who it is--i just need someone to believe in me, someone who would never lie to me while I believed in him.
Right now, I'm just wondering how long his feelings for her have been growing. She used to have feelings for him but I know she'd never betray me and steal him back. I know that I love her and trust her with all my heart...I realy want to keep believing in him but its so hard when all the evidence condemns him of making me look like a fool. I feel so used, so lied to. I feel like all the things we went through were for nothing. I don't know how much of what we shared was fact of fiction, real or just a ******** LIE. I'm hurting so much and...idk...I just feel like maybe I should go. I sure as hell don't deserve this kinda hurt, no matter what sin I commited. I gave him the best of me, support him thru everything, was there for him when he needed me...but what now?
I'm confused, I don't wanna think of this but it plagues me to the point where I don't wanna wake up when I go to sleep. I jsut wanna lose myself where nothing is real and nothing can ever really hurt me. I don't wanna hurt anymore cuz my hearts already broken. I've played the fool so many times before, this one hurts the most though...Idk..im so lost...
Allegra_Uncorrupted · Mon May 04, 2009 @ 05:33am · 0 Comments |