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Part 2.
I awoke sometime later, screaming. The nurses and doctors had restrained me again, keeping me from hurting myself or anyone else, but they didn't understand what sleeping did to me, I had to stay awake!
"I'm not crazy!" I whimpered. My 15-year-old body struggled against the tight ropes on my wrists. i twisted my arms and legs until the sharp tang of blood hit my nose. I saw the white sheets turn red. Nurses doctors, noise. And soon i found my self buckled into some sort of chair. A doctor stood across from my half starved body.
"The nurses have been telling me that you haven't been eating, Damien. You need to eat, or you'll kill yourself." He said, I pursed my lips and a nurse violently grabbed my nose and pinched the sides of my mouth. I struggled a moment then a sharp pain smaked my eyes, and blood started to flow out of my nose. I took a gasping breath and they forced the metal device into my mouth and cranked it up all the way. Then the took out the tubes and funnel and forced the tube down my throat and into my stomach. I sobbed, and gagged. i pulled one of my wrists out of place. The nurses were all laughing at me. They started with a maggots filled chunk of meat, they threw it into the blender, then went to milk and ice and a raw egg. The stirred this all up blended it together and dumped it down my throat. I choaked, gagging. Then they took the tube out slowly, with my choking on it a while. After that they threw me into the padded room, with a straight jacket on and a mask so i wouldn't throw up. But I'd much rather drown myself in my own throw up then endure the tortures here anymore.I vomited against the mask and I noticed it drained quite quickly, I guess they learned from my last actions. The vomit got stuck in my hair, what little I had left. I used to have really nice hair, for a guy anyway. But they shaved it off when i first tried to commit suicide, it part of suicide watch, no hair so you cant choke your self with it, or hang your self, padded teeth so you cant bite your tongue. It hurts too much to try and swallow my tongue ever since they started force feeding me. My parents sent me here for three reasons: 1. i tend to speek in third person. 2. I'm homosexual, or so they think anyway, 3. I started to cry out in my sleep. You know, you'd think they'd ASK me why I was screaming and begging in my sleep wince the NEW teacher came to my school. I was 10 when it started, the screaming, the hickeys and then begging in my sleep. My teacher, who wasn't human, he was a ghost, would appear in my dreams every night and torment me. And then he started tormenting my during lunch, then after school too and recess and finally during his planning period. i kept coming because i had to pass that year, or i'd be held back. I couldn't be held back. At first mom thought it was just a phase that every little boy went through, until my bath. I could never wash my hair right, so she'd do it for me, and i couldn't reach my back, so she'd do it for me. Then she saw those awful hickeys all over. And she assumed i was gay from that, so she sent me to a therapist, who told her I was completely insane and they carted me away to the asylum. That seems like so long ago, ages even. Even after i stopped crying in my sleep they left me here, never visiting me or even writing. And the nurses and doctors received a letter and they stuffed me in solitary in the dark for three years. They fed me, and then I started to refuse the food. And then... they came. the asylum came under new management. And HE found me again. Every time I slept he was there again.
I found myself hating my self more and more, and thus came my first suicide attempt. I took a huge chunk out of my tongue with my teeth. They shaved my head, all of my pretty hair, and gave it to a man who said he liked the color. Thus came my second attempt, they had placed a mask on my like always, one that had some sort of something in my mouth that kept me from swallowing, and thus, i vomited, trying to drown myself. They tied me to a chair, my stomach empty for five days. except for water, and they wouldn't let me do anything, all i could do was wallow in my discharge and let big fat tears roll down my face. Then they used the rubber tubes, and shoved food into my stomach. Then they'd tie me to my bed, with the mask on and a tube in my throat that made me breath. that was the night and most of the day. The put me in three classes everyday. Language arts, Creative writing and History on Mondays and Wednesdays. Then Math Science, and Social studies on tuesdays thursdays and saturdays. On fridays we had doctor checkups. He is always there, watching me glareing at me. Today is friday.
"Damien, are you going to tell us wear you got those hikeys?" The doctor asks kindly. i look away.
"There suction bruises, you know, from the tubes?" i answered.
"I see." he said, prying open my mouth and shining a light down. He then looked at the broken blood in my eye and frowned. "You need to stop starving your self and trying to commit suicide." He said, patting my leg, he has a scary look in him eye, for once i'm glad HE's in the room, that is, until he leaves and the doctor seems to get happy about it. I stare of into space.
"What are you thinking about patient 102?" He asked, i shrug.
"I don't wanna go back to my cell, its dark and sad." I mumble.
"Lunch is later, if you show real progress they'll let you go outside, its beautiful out there. Trees and flowers and grass, then they might put you in art, and you know, the better behaved you are.... well...." He chuckled, i smiled at the vission that came to my mind. There's a majestic lake, and the asylum, surrounded by wild flowers and long grass, the sky is a rainbow and there is no pain or anything bad. I like that idea, it sounds good. The doctor i notice is still standing in front of me, his hand is going up and down my thigh. I stare at him, uncomfortable, and i swallow.
"You've been in a position like this before, thats why you haven't screamed or shoved me back yet." he said frowning. "WHo?" Heasked,and i shook my head and shrugged. He sighed and patted my cheek tenderly.
"Oh daniel.. poor sweet thing, if you ever need any thing." He said, smirking "You know where to find me." Then he went to his desk and retrieved a razor, my hair was down to my ears... nearly.
"Oh don't cut it... I like my h-hair." I sobbed he ignored me and shaved it off. I always cried when they cut my hair, it always made me feel like I lost a part of myself, like all the stringy oily strands were alive and had words to say, a heart and soul. When i said it hurt, they said it was in my head.
After that he tests my reflexes and muscle mass, he took spinal fluid and lets me leave. HE is out side when I get out. Mr. Sir. He smiles at me.
"You have the showers on your schedule and then you can go back to your room." Mister sir says, touching my behind. its barely for a second, then he puts his hand back on my shoulder and leads me to the bathroom near my room. I used to like taking a shower, but they tie you up and scrub you raw. I haven't bathed in a few days, so i should be dirty enough to last through lunch and Mister Sir's off period. But I'm not very lucky, because after the freezeing shower, Mister Sir hasn't gotten to his off period. So when they send me to my room, wrapped up in a blanket, when the temporary residents pass I wait, watching them from my door. One looks at me. He's pretty, something the permanent residents don't see. Big hopeful eyes, full red lips, red cheeks, his eyes are so lively, a vivid blue color, he has a tan, and white blonde hair, he's not twiggy like I am. Mister sir notices that i've not gone in yet, and that me and the boy are watching each other, he hurries over and starts to yell at me. I dont realize that i was flling until i hit the floor. he calls for a nurse and everythimng goes dark. When i wake up, im in the temperarie resident hospital room. Theboy i saw earleir is getting his daily check up on the cot next to mine, I push myself up and cry out, a sharppan hits me in the forehead. The boy looks up, concerned.
"Hello Daneil, you fainted for blood loss, the pain in your head is from hitting the floor as hard as you did. this is LD, he's going to be your... partner, its a new idea we had, since Mister Sir can't seem to figure out he's suppossed to watch you, I figured a new face would be refreshing."
"How'd i faint of blood loss? I don't remember losing any blood today."
"The shower hose.... it took the skin off of your back." He answered. I nodded and sighed.
The next day LD took me to the lunch room for lunch. Some of his friends stared at my shaved head, others at the hospital gown they made me wear. I sat next to him and slouched. I stared at the food on my tray and watched the nurses and guards. Ld looked at me, his cheeks bulging with food, a little oil or something was trailing down his lip. He chewed and swallowed.
"Why aren't you eating?" He asked tenderly rubbing my back. Mister sir sat next to me suddenly.
"Daneil." he groweled, I looked over at him, he glared at me. "After lunch report to your therapist." He goweled. "And then to me." He said and left.
"God that guy is creepy." Ld said.
"You have no idea. I used to think he was a ghost." I answered.
"I did to, because he;'s like all pale and bony... creeoy. Hey, why are you in here?"
"My mom thought I was a homo and my dad did some ******** up stuff to me."
"Like what?" Someone asked.
"He threw me out of a car, into a lake and i can't swim."
"Moving or not?"
"I can't remember." I answered.
"Any other reason."
"My step dad heard me cry out a few times in my sleep and sometimes i used to talk in third or the wrong tense." I answered. "And you?"
"Broke my teachers nose." Ld smiled at his friend, the looked at me.
"Why'd they shave your hair, i thought they liked hair?"
"Suicide watch." i answered.
"Oh... how many times have you tried that?"
"I don't know, a few." I answered, picking a small piece off of my tray and eating it. I hadn't gotten to eat food in a while, it tasted better than vomit.
"I it true that theuy shave your head, make you wear a mask, and pad your teeth?"
"Yeah, some other stuff as well." I answered, taking another bite and swallowing carefully. It hurts my throat a bit to swallow. I ate slower, and drank water between bites. Ld smiled at me a lot.
"So, why do they make you wear a dress?" one of Ld's friends asked.
"I don't know." I answered, Mister Sir reappeared when I had almost gotten through my meal. he sat down next to me and watched me eat, glareing hatefully at my hair.
"How you doing to day, Daneil?" He asked, I shrugged, feeling myself shrink under his gaze. "You know, your little shenanigans nearly got me fired?" He said, coating his voice in sugar, I shrunk away from him, and his sharp fingers latched into my arm.
"I'm s-sorry." i answered, looking up at him, wishing I could hide in my hair like i did when i was little. The people around the table were quiet, Mister sir noticed his boss and grinned at me.
"Glad we have an understanding." He said, "Its time for therapy, hurry up." he said, releasing me, and going over to his boss.I read their lips, almost hearing Ld, almost not.
'stop scaring him, he;s making good progress.'
'I'm not scaring him! And you know he'll beable to... entertain you better when he's notsane!"
'He entertains you to much as it is!', Ld grabbed my arm and yanked.
"What?" i asked.
"Are you alright?" he asked, releasing my arm, I nodded.
After breakfast and Therapy, the leader came and got me before i could pay a visit to Mister Sir.
"How are you today, Daneil?" He asked wrapping a dangerous ar around my shoulder, I cringed. I wonder why they went after me, I'm not exactly attractive. I didn't answer him, I was to afraid to talk. "Well listen Dan, I'm glad you ate today, I really am." He leads me into the basement, he's taken me here before. "Kneel." he says, and i do, I'm terrified. He rubs my ears gently. Then unzips his pants, I close my eyes and wait for his order. After that, its lunch, and I stare at my plate. I can still taste him in my mouth. 'why is he so willing to destroy me?' I wonder, 'I thought he was happy for me, thought he wanted me to get better. What about Ld? People like him are always in it for a deal.' He looks at my full plate and into my eyes a few times, then his eyes settle back on his friends. finally towards the end of lunch, everyone gets up and goes outside, except LD, who smiles at me.
"Why aren't you eating?" He asked, I don't answer. I don't want to talk. "hello?" He says, waving his hand in front of my eyes. I look away and drink the rest of my water and got up. I threw away my food, then went to Math and Science. I sit at my desk, quiet. Ld greeted me after Science, with a hug. I lurched away and walked back to my room, he followed and started to talk to me. i didn't talk back and he stayed with me. Mister sir smiled at me when i passed. That night, Ld left, and mister sir came in, i was half asleep, so he didn't get any struggling. He opened the door, and walked in, closed and had someone lock it behind him. He smiled at me and pulled the blanket off my legs, and kissed my knee, then a little higher up, then a little higher up. And after it was over, he fell asleep next to me. Ld found us like that, and Mister Sir nearly killed him while he was beating him. He put him in a coma, and everything went back to how it was. I wouldn't talk, I wouldn't eat, I'd let them force me to hold my breath until they put the tube up my nose instead, all I ever did was sit or lay on my bed, staring at the floor. My eyes half open half closed, my body limp.
I don't even care when the boss or Mister Sir visit me. It doesn't really matter if i live or die anymore, until my mom and dad show up. Mom has tears in her eyes, she hugs me, kisses me. But dad glares at me like I'm worthless.
"How are you?" He asks, I stare at her drool filling up my mouth. they ignore that I can't talk, and tell me everything. I have another brother, he reminds me of Ld, dad is CEO at a big business, mom has a crochet class. My brother is 5, apparently when i was little, they got pregnant and gave it up for adoption and tracked him down after i left. I looked at him, and back down at my fingers.
"hi daneil." A nurse says, smiling at me and injecting me with something. "Its time for lunch, your eating in the cafeteria, with your parents." She says, she roles me down the hall, and they follow. My so called brother groans and moans, complaining about having to eat with crazy people, Mister Sir glares at me when I pass. I glared back then i spat at him, to make him mad i guess, then refused to eat, and take my medicine, and then my mother yelled at me for not talking, and i spat at her to. Then the beating came, the club struck acorss my wriggling body with force. I don't know if they watched, probably not. They probably regretted coming here, regretted that I was born. and, That night I lay awake, the boss was ontop, and I was staring at a nurse in the corner, when I got very sleepy, and then a warm lyquid came out of my nose, and I realized I was crying.
'Does any one care about me?' I wondered, the next day, going through the steps of not eating and then, they put me in almost solitaire, feeding me once a day, beating me when I didn't eat it, and ignoring boss and Mister Sir when they visited me. After they came, I'd sit in the corner, sitting still and staring at the floor. His visits came daily, the bosses came monthly, and I felt myself finding a path. Solitary ended a year later, I was 16 now. I became one with my environment, talking, eating, ignoring my suicidal urges, until they put me into the temporary file. Soon after that, I tasted fresh air for the first time in years. The day my parents came to get me, i walked past them, and looked at the clouded sky. Being seventeen now,I just needed a job, enough money to get an apartment and get the hell away from my so called family. Thats what I did, finally free. The day LD got out, he called the parents, and came and visited me. He looked at me, those big eyes looking into my soul, he stood in the door way of my appartment for a long time, then, stepped in, closing the door behind him.
"I never told you why I was in the asylum."
"I never asked."
"I didn't know he was hurting you."
"I know."
"I love you."
"What?"
"I love you." He answered. I looked at him and blinked, "I was in the Asylum because when i was 11, I kissed another boy, deeply, I thought he loved me, thought i loved him, but he told the cops i molested him, and my parents sent me away, to saint Sallies. Its a camp, for gay guys, its supposed to make them like girls, so i frenched the camp dirrector, a beautiful woman, and they sent me home, when I was 13, I got drunk, and had sex with a guy named Tilrrance, in his barn, and his girl friend walked in, and my parents labeled me an alcoholic so they could send me there." He said, throwing his arms around me and hugging me tightly. I hugged him back, and sighed.
"I love you... as a friend. I don't know what my sexuality is."I said, he looked into my eyes and burried his head in my chest.
"I got really depressed after you left, and I tried to kill my self and they forced me to eat by shoving a tube in my nose." He sobbed, i rubbed his back.
"You can stay here if you want."
"My parents will know I was released." he answered.
"Thats okay. I only stayed with my parents for two days, how old are you?"
"17." He answered.
"Then your old enough to move out. I have a spare room, I like small rooms, so... yeah." I said, he pulled away and walked through the house. He saw a picture on the mantle.
"Who drew that?"
"I did. It sthe only one i haven't sold." i answered.
"It beautiful." he said, turning towards me. "I'd like to stay with you." he said, then walked forward. "I'm on probation, because If I get with another man they can barge in at any second and put me back, is it okay?" He asked.
"Of coarse, I'm on probation too, if I do anything violent or not fill my prescription and keep my job, school, and all that, they can say I'm a threat and take me back."
"Can you drive me to my parents house so i can get my stuff?"
"What stuff?"
"My mom promised to give me 1000 dollars if I visited her
 demon strait outta_hell · Fri Jun 05, 2009 @ 10:58pm · 0 Comments |
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