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These last few days have been pretty rough on me. Spending time with the children, spending time with Natasha, getting bombarded with stereotypical comments/discrimination about everything about me (age, race, gender mostly) has been getting under my skin. Addie is not helping either.

I'm going to start with the discrimination/stereotypes first. It seems to me that everything I am has to be some type of sin. Being in my 20's seem to make me look like some type of perverted sex demon. They think my interest is to only impregnate as many women as I can until I am at my 40's. Being Puerto Rican doesn't exactly help either. The reputation makes us one of the most hated races in America. To top everything off, being born a male just makes me look like some sort of rapist or *****. It's just not fair.

Spending time with both the kids and Natasha are giving me conflicting emotions. I am starting to develop feelings for Natasha, but I also feel that she cannot give me what I want. Spending time with the kids is a constant reminder of what I want from her, a family. But she is so busy with her own thing, that even thinking about my own needs is just at the bottom of the priority list. Something inside me is saying to stay away from her, and find someone who is willing to give me what I want. But my heart wants me to stay with her. It's not often that I see her, but I enjoy every short moment I spend with her.

Addie has almost completely forgotten about me. She refuses to text, call, or even acknowledge my existence anymore. I am not too depressed about that, but the role she has served for the last few years is important to me. Just having a friend to talk to keeps my stress levels down. Natasha almost can't talk to me at all, so I have nobody to talk to.

I hope I can be strong, and everything will settle in the end. But I am not sure about the future anymore.