|
Dear Haiku....
Ha ha... dear Haiku.... my old writing companion... it seems like I would never be able to turn the page of the little blue book that is my life. But I have. After so many years, I finally have the courage to write you once more. It seems so long ago... 7 years... my how time flies. My evolution or rather metamorphises is so rapid as my understanding of the world both physical and untangible becomes much more clear. I try to make sense of my existence and my place in this big complex adventure called Life.
Yet, I still have not fully grasped all knowledge and understanding of it all.... I have begun to understand my sense of self. Even more so, the relationships I have made with others no matter how exciting, fragile, amazing, brief, dysfunctional they are.... I have come to grasp a lot of understanding. I realized... My perception of the world of being a pure and holy place and that all people were kind and good is a farce. In fact, to find genuine, compassionate people who are filled with mercy is a blessing, a rarity and not normality.
Even the ones you hold in such high esteem may not be as wonderful as they appear, and with time... very much like a book, the more pages you read, you begin to paint a bigger picture. Often times, the end is not always a happy one. I have felt every emotion a human has to feel in existence. I have felt happiness, sorrow, pain, remorse, regret, anger, neglect, empathy, apathy, excitement, love, arousal, and... perhaps... an even darker emotion..hate. It is true. Most of my hate is not one held in prejudice, but rather hatred of an imperfect world of broken vows and broken promises.
A hatred of severed dreams and beautiful possibilities. Hatred of being an outcast and never feeling worthy of love and joy. Hatred of feeling helpless, insignificant, ugly, lonely, unloved, and neglected. Among the bounty of the flowers I begin to expose the weeds among the roses. No matter how many weeds I tried to remove from the garden, more sprung up, and their roots suffocated and smothered the beauty of the lillies and roses. It was inevitable. I saw no relief in sight. Though the garden is but a colorful metaphor, the message is real. No matter how much I may want to believe that there is such a perfect world, a place without want and worry... if one exists.. it does not exist here. We are imperfect, yet we demand perfection from others.
People have become obssessed with unnatural depictions of what is beautiful, cool, sexy instead of accepting the reality that there is no perfect man, nor woman. We all bear scars, we all bleed, we all have faults, we all carry baggage whether we created it ourselves or we were given it to carry on. A man once said... "That nobody is immune to the circumstances of life. We are one, we are unity, we are human. We all cry, bleed, breathe, and die. "
What I have to come to understand.... that instead of bruising my hands trying to dispose of weeds is to embrace what is imperfect and perfect about the world and us as beings. I cannot demand acceptance, if I cannot come to accept you as an individual. I cannot receive forgiveness, if I myself am not willing to forgive. How will I receive love, if I do not give it? Oh yes, Haiku... I take responsibility.....my longing for love since I was born has lead me down heartwrenching and even damaging and dangerous situations. I was told I wasn't worth love, which further made me crave it. Love no longer became a need it became a drug.
I believed that everyone who came into my life who professed love for me was honest. Damn my innocence and naivity! How foolish, I know now. I realized... most people treat love as a fleeting emotion, a disease one catches. Once it is remedied... it dies and never returns... but I.... still bleeding love... freely gave and it was not returned. I needed their acceptance, their love, their absolution.. to feel validated.. worthy. But I realize now, love begins within. I had to begin to start loving me, and loving me deeply. I had to heal my own scars. I had to dust myself off and start over. I had to look deep within... and with the grace and perfect love of the Divine that is responsible for my still being here.....I now began to see myself and others in a total different light. What an awakening!
It is scary, wonderful, troubling,exciting, and somewhat heartbreaking when you begin to see things as they are. It is like being born all over again. I see me... for the me that I am... and I am working very hard to improve that me that is. I will no longer accept the nothing people insist upon shoveling at my feet. I will no longer accept being an option for I am a priority. If one cannot love me for who I am and not what I am or who they want me to be...then it can never truly be love. Tonight..which has now become today...marks a new beginning. Until next entry Haiku, I bid thee farewell.
Love Always
-Aoi Utsuki
 Aoi Utsuki · Sun Jul 03, 2011 @ 07:14am · 0 Comments |
