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Ughh... life is really going nowhere for me crying i try 2 move on, start over, get away from ppl that hurt me, even if its not on purpose. hurting is just that, if freaking hurtz, and nothing will ever stop it from hurting, ever. i dont know y i became so attatched in the first place, there isnt anything about him different then any other person i know. the empty place that they filled once, is just getting deeper and infected, so i try and cut it off, start anew, get rid of the problem, but then i realize, they mean alot to me, but i dont mean anything to them **pauses 2 cry** so then i wonder, y cant i go on without them, but they can b happy without me? lots of ppl like me irl and online, lots og guys like me irl and online (but i ignore and kinda hide from guys wear a hat and baggy cloths so they dont look at me, and keep my head low, im scared of men irl) I'm not ugly on the iside or out, so y is it so hard, y is life keep kicking me down when i think i figured it out.
-found perfect guy, everything going great (boom) its gone, im kicked down.
-want good things for ex, do everything in my power 2 make him happy, he even flirts with me on the phone when he callz me while hes gone (boom) kicked down again and this time i land in s**t.
-then theres a periode of time where things r just all ******** up, and i cant take anythin emotional, going through hell irl and here (boom) kicked down manytimes durring this period, scaring them, and many more
-so i do what i think is right and just leave on good terms, everything all good, nothing negative (boom) i get booted in the face by a steel toed boot, i realize that they r 2 important to me, that i cant leave, and a special lil stab in my heart, because they didnt miss me 1 bit, cuz im no1 2 them.
this game called life is just too much for me, doesnt even seem like much, but it really hit me hard and tons of tiny things. but that was pretty much half a year or a lil more of my life on gaia. not i could write a horror styorry about my ir life durring that time, but thats whinning, and the person got fed up with my whinning along time ago. so, from my expirience love never lasts, it gets sliced away so fast ur just sitting there and its gone with no warning signs. friendship = doing everything u can for them because they make u happy, so who cares what u fall behind in including bills. but love really never existed for me, i got beaten, raped, tortured, used abused and many others, and the last one wasnt real either, because i know i could never b that way the way they r 2 me, if it was real love, it was a game basicly, i was practice for real ones crying thats ok, this is my life. I chose it, and i will probably die young alone and empty, i will b 4goten by all, including my family. because i chose to be so tortured by past events, ppl say let things go (past past events) u survived, youre away from there. but what am i supposed to do when they flash through my head like a daydream i never wanted to see, or the night mares i wake up and i cant stop crying because of the past. how can u be exp[ected to let things go, when the memoriez wont let you go?
what can i say, im a scary person i guess, well i dont look scary, but my family is scared of me, they act diff, but they never even try to understand, then i find some1 who listens opens up pandoras box of emotions that i wish would go away, but because they were open that scared that person away. they say that one thing was left in pandoras box, and that was hope., i say hopeless, because thats what i am. doomed to b here and wait until its my time to go, home.
 lil_qt_cat1 · Sat Nov 04, 2006 @ 08:55am · 0 Comments |
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