• PUBLISHED


    “I don’t know.” she said “Yes you do.” he said “No I really don’t.” she said. “C’mon tel-” he never completed that sentence. A growl and hiss ensued and before the moment was over creature was atop him attacking him. “Holy sh**!” he yelled. “Oh my god your being attacked by an uh…huh! Hold on while your being attacked I’ll tape it and you tube it!” she said. “Are you mad?! Help me Women!” he screeched. “No really, I think I should!” she said. “ Yeah sure you do that while I lose consciousness from blood loss!” he yelled “Your no fun!” she replied. , I’m being attacked by a creature and your trying to tape it!” he screamed. “Hmmmmmmmm humina humina I think I see what your getting at here… I should beat it with my laptop!!” she yelled in conclusion. “That’s not what I meant.” He said. “Oh hold on my b.f.f Jane just sent me an e-mail… Oh heh that’s funny heh heh heh ehehahahahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Phil you got to read this!” she yelled “Sarah I’m being attacked!” Phil yelled. “Just read this real quick please.” Sarah said. “OWW IT OW BITE ME!! GET IT OFF ME!!” Phil screamed. “WAIT!” Sarah yelled. “What Sarah?” Phil said. One long minute slowly dragged itself along before Phil yelled, “what are you doing!?” “Replying to Jane duh.” Sarah said. “I’m still being attacked!” Phil replied. “Hold on, gosh.” Sarah replied. “Any time would be nice.” Phil said. “Almost there and click send and done!” Sarah said “now then… HIYAA!” she screamed and swung at the creature. Sarah missed and hit Phil in the forehead. She swung the laptop again but it missed… it made a nice swooshing sound though. The third swing cracked the animal and sent it flailing through the air. It landed on an old ladies lap while the old lady who was totally oblivious to the whole incident began hitting the creature on the head with a cane. “Huh…huh…what…huh…was…huh…that…huh?” Phil wheezed. He was clearly in need of medical attention. “Wow Phil yer bleedin pretty badly!” Sarah said. “I need a doctor.” Phil struggled to talk. “Phil!” Sarah yelled. “Sa-Sarah?” he asked. “No Phil don’t go towards the bright light…unless it’s a mall then maybe go towards the bright light.” Sarah said. “I was attacked by an…uh…an…uh…an animal.” Phil said. “Wow! Anuhanuhananimal! That’s a huge name! Is that a scientificle name?” Sarah asked.
    “Your phone.” Phil said. “What?” Sarah asked. “Your phone Sarah use your phone!” Phil said. “Your right quick!! What number do you dial for 911!” she yelled. “You can’t be serious.” Phil said. “Phil, the longer you make me wait the longer you wait for an ambulance to arrive!” Sarah explained. “9” he said “9” she said “1” he said “1” she said “1” he said “1 she continued alright it’s ringing…still ri-”
    “Hello, 9-1-1 what’s your emergency?” the operator asked. “Oh My God I just heard the funniest joke!” Sarah said. “Do you have an emergency?” the operator asked. “Oh yeah, right… so do you want to hear the joke?” Sarah insisted. “Ma’am this line is reserved strictly for emergencies.” The operator said. “Fine…
    MY BOYFRIEND WAS ATTACKED BY ANUHANUHANANIMAL!!!” Sarah screeched. “Alright what is your location?” he asked. “The park.” Sarah said. “Which park?” the operator asked. “The park!” Sarah repeated. “What’s the name of the park?” the operator asked. “How should I know?” Sarah replied. “Well, what are your surroundings?” the operator asked. “TREES! Lots and lots of trees, and a bench, and a sign that says central park, and oh! A quarter.” Sarah listed. “We’ll be there in a short period ma’am.” The operator said. “Well alrighty then… wait a minute he didn’t hear my joke!” Sarah said.
    “I'm gonna call him back…Crap I forgot the number.” Sarah said, frustrated with her own forgetfulness. “Was it 2-2-1 no… 8-2-2…nope…I got it! 9-2-3! Damn… not it either.” Sarah struggled to remember the number. "Sarah?" Phil questioned. "Don't worry Phil the ambulance is on it's way." Sarah said.
    "What happened?" Phil asked. "Dude! you got totally thrashed by some crazy anuhanuhananimal!" Sarah said. "A what?" Phil asked. "an anuhanuhananimal." Sarah repeated. A large thump proceeded from their left. Phil and Sarah both jerked their heads toward the noise. "You want some a this cracka!?" the old lady yelled as she threw the animal into a copse. They watched in pure astonishment as the old woman got up and sprinted after it. The animal made a noise that was probably the equivalent to AHH before the old lady caught it in a flying air tackle. Phil glanced at Sarah but stopped himself fromlooking back. "Sarah, what are you doing?" Phil asked. Sarah had been in a crouching position and had a camera out taping this entire incident. "Dude, do you have any idea how many views this is gonna have on Youtube?" Sarah asked. "Where do you keep getting this things?" Phil asked. "You know... I work at Best Buy, duh." Sarah reminded him. "Right.." Phil said. Sirens began to approach. "Bought time!" Sarah exclaimed. The ambulance arrived while Phil and Sarah watched as the ambulance smashed into a bicycle rack. The driver and the passenger both got out at the same time. The staff also burst out with a stretcher in hand. A few seconds later Phil was in the ambulance with Sarah sitting at his right side. "Jeez kid what happened!?" "He looks pretty bad!" the staff said.
    "I asked for help! Not jugdement!" Phil announced. "Don't worry Phil keep breathing! PUSH!" Sarah said. "I was attacked Sarah! and besides I can't get pregnant." Phil told Sarah. A beeping sounded. "Oh hey! Jane replied!" Sarah continued, "Phil you gotta read this!" Sarah said. "Not now." Phil answered. "AAWWWWWWWNNNNNhhhhhh!" Sarah moaned. "Alright I'll read it!" Phil yelled. "Well, you don't need to yell." Sarah said calmly. "Hold on to something because it's about to get bumpy." the driver said. "Thats what she said!" the staff in the passenger seat yelled. "Alright, we're here!" the driver said. "Thank go-" phil tried to say. He was cut off by the driver. "We've got an injured civilian, says he was talking to his girlfriend and was attacked by an unidentifiable animal. His name is Phillip J. Wesley suffered a broken arm at 12 and was last here about 4 months ago. Injuries include: lacerations to the face, upper torso, and arms, bite marks on his back, sides, and one to his cheek." the driver finished. "Alright, I'll need three doctors, a gurney, a reservation at holiday inn at a lowered price thanks to priceline, and a capitol one credit card with a picture of my wife on it!" the doctor yelled. "What does any of that have to do with me!?" Phil yelled. "Theres a problem doctor." a co-worker said. What is it?" the doctor said. "Your not married sir. You don't have a wife." the co-worker finished. "No...no...WHHHHHHHYYYYYYY!!!?! the doctor screamed. "What about me!?" Phil yelled. "Oh yeah! I'll need 12 CCs stat!" the doctor began commanding the nurses. "What does that mean?" Phil asked. "Ready? 1...2...3 CLEAR!" the doctor announced. "Wait. No. Get away fro-WAWAWAWEWE!!!" Phil was getting electrocuted. "Were losing him!" the doctor yelled. "Um...actually the heart moniter isn't plugged in." a nurse said. "Oh...in that case we won't be needing these!" the doctor said while throwing the equipment out a window. MMMrrrreeeeoooowwww!! "Oops! sorry whiskers!" the doctor yelled. "Well then..." the doctor said. "Well what?" Phil asked. "What about well?" the doctor asked. "Aren't you gonna help me?" Phil asked. "Oh yeah! you'll just need same stitches." the doctor explained.
    ONE POORLY PERFORMED MEDICAL TREATMENT LATER.
    "don't go outside for about 24 hours. don't move the stitches. don't submerge the stitches." a nurse said. "Is that all?" Phil asked. "No, but I don't feel like reading the rest to you." the nurse said.