• On the last day of grade 7 and the last day of elementary,
    I didn't feel so sad to not be able to spend time with my friends.
    No more eating lunch at the reserved tables for grade 7
    no more stealing the tire swings away from little kids, even though we were too big
    no more Monday and Wednesday lunches spent with the computer teacher
    ...no more stealing his lunch either xD Tasty pineapple.
    And I'm glad that at least there's no more stupid anger
    to a friend.
    I regret doing stupid things to her, getting mad at her.
    I regret getting pissed at a lot of things all at one time
    that I even requested to scream it all out in an empty hall.
    I screamed it out, all right.
    Only one of my best friends was listening to my complaints
    Complaints of how some girl took my job for some photo project just 'cause she was sad.
    Complaints on how pessimistic my best friend was, always openly expressing her dark thoughts.
    Complaints on how immature and stupid most of the grade 7s were.
    Complaints. I'm glad I won't do it again.

    At this age, I think it's when I'm finally conscious enough to remember things in the past, and notice things that currently exist.
    I can remember everything my grandma and I did together
    the way my grandpa treated me
    the time my brother tried to run away
    and how ignorant he was.
    I can remember my past trips to China, just about every detail of the outskirts.
    I wonder if my grandma remembered how our home in Canada looked like?
    I wonder if she remembered how the place looked in summer, and what colour my cat is.

    It was fun.
    Everything was fun.
    The friendships I made on the internet and in real life.
    They were fun.
    Some of them WERE fun. Some of them still are.

    But I guess,
    that's the way it used to be.

    These days those 6 words are always in my head.
    "The way it used to be"
    and they won't leave.
    There's just all too much to remember these days
    instead of appreciating what's there.

    A loved one dies,
    and a valuable friendship fades.
    A friendship I needed.

    That friendship was formed not too long ago.
    I wanted it to last, and I know that's all I really wanted.
    We talked often. We never lied to each other.
    We were always there.
    But the truth is, people move on all too fast.
    They move on to what they can have - top priority.
    The once important is cast down a little further
    and there are more lies
    more sadness
    more envy
    and more wants.
    Wants that I could never have.
    And now when I really want to talk with that friend
    and have a normal day with fun talking
    and stronger bonding
    I feel abandoned.
    Like he just... pretended to care for an hour or so.
    Then unexpectedly, focussed full attention on top priority.
    I ran the race
    and no matter what I do or did
    In the end destiny would put me in second place.

    Or last.
    Or totally disqualify me.

    But at least the trophy.. the "trophy" in my eyes... was handed to the one who finished first place, with the others far behind.
    Keep it gold and polished. Forever and Ever.

    Even though I've competed in this race,
    I end up with a thumping heart
    sore legs
    and hot, stinging eyes,
    I end up second.
    Or last.
    Or on a path far from the raceway.

    That little kid that wanted to do everything...
    That little kid who was always home with her grandma
    That little kid who was always picky
    That little kid who was real ignorant
    That little kid who found a friend that would always be there openly


    Are all such distant memories of the way it used to be.

    If I were more conscious back then
    these memories would be more vivid
    only if I had truly enjoyed those times.
    I don't think it's even that long ago

    but it sure as hell feels like it.

    And thanks to the world and all it's messed up things.
    All the filthy people and
    all the goddamn harsh lessons that need to be learned.
    But one thing that will always remain is that I'm an ignorant person.

    So I can't learn those lessons, never will.
    No matter how much that friend reminds me that I need to be strong,
    EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
    No matter how many times that friend tells me that people move on and learn, to think of all the lessons laid in front of me
    EASIER SAID THAN DONE.


    No, I'm not feeling good.
    Because unlike most people
    every step has at least a hint of sadness
    and that's all.
    Maybe something to pry my eyes open every once in a while.

    Yup, we were friends.
    Maybe we still are? Dunno.
    All I know is that he managed to find a different path then my one.
    We had/have similar problems and opinions.
    But the end is always different.
    He held a race. And apparently people were there to run in it.

    I could hold one too, that'd change my path, I suppose.
    But I know that know one will run in it anyway,
    and the trophy is all dented and dirty.

    My eyes aren't heavy, but my sighs are.
    I think I need some serious rest
    for a long long time.
    Otherwise I'll be really tired.
    And when I'm really tired my head gets all messed up, then I end up messing with people.