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<b>Thu May 26, 2005 @ 6:21 pm</b><br /><br />
Reality Outside the box:
Normally I don't talk to much about personal things on this blog, but I feel the latest events of the past week warrant some talking about.
Sometimes I think people get so caught up in their own grief and hardships that we never really step back and think about how bad it "could be." We spend so much time being selfish and egocentric, that we never really stop to take a look around us to actually SEE other people and the lives they lead. Why should their lives matter when they don't affect us, right? I know I've asked myself that very question on many occasions.
Maybe the lives of others means nothing to us, but I think by stepping back and taking a second to observe our peers and their struggles, we might see ourselves in a different light. People don't broaden their minds by staying "inside the box"; we learn nothing if we are so self absorbed with ourselves that we cannot empathize or sympathize with other humans.
My life has been full of drama; so much that I go out of my way to avoid any sort of dramatic event or circumstances, even if it means turning away family members or friends. That is a part of myself I'm not proud of.
However, drama has a funny way of sneaking up on a person and making itself unavoidable. There are just certain things you can't look away from; if you do, you're not human anymore.
~~~
"I look forward to your exciting lawsuit! I simply cannot wait to read the next exciting, action-filled update by Mr. Warrior detailing how the Internet is a vast liberal plot to destroy humanity and make the entire Earth blow up like a gigantic cake crammed full of homosexuals and foreigners. Both of you remind me how all political extremities, both far left and far right, embrace the exact same rhetoric. God bless America, the land of the lawsuit and the home of the offended. May you and your bicycle streamer-wearing boss both enjoy a successful libel / slander / intellectual copyright / insane washed up "pro" wrestler lawsuit against me. I have but one request: can "Mean" Gene Okerlund be present in the court when your boss testifies against me?"
~Something Awful
Another Lawsuit threat over at Something Awful, but this time it's the Ultimate Warrior! ONOESSS!!! This happens so often I usually just chuckle and move on, but this particular piece of work had me laughing my head off. Go check it out!
~~~~
Super Sneaky Licensing by Genon
Gankutsuou has been licensed. The trailer can be seen on the "Appleseed" DVD. Expect a fall release of the first DVD. Once again, I highly recommend picking up this series. It's amazing.
This...
is a BAD idea.
Human beings are screwing with things they shouldn't...can we say, "Opening a can of worms"?
THEN------
...we have the all high guru of all that is anime/manga trying to explain to us why fat/ugly people shouldn't cosplay...
Why would any self respecting person even grace this question with an answer? Better yet, when will this guy just shut the hell up?
Here's another great example of his...otaku mentality.
:sigh:
AND...
...all these rabid yaoi fan-girls need to sit down and do some research for thier fics. I'm sorry, but teenage girls writing about gay men just isn't working. I like yaoi and shonen-ai, but only when it's done WELL... (which is why I don't bother to read fan-works of this genre). Contrary to fangirlish belief, "Boku no Sexual Harassment" ISN'T the normal lifestyle for gay people... O_o And please stop posting threads on why you think so and so is gay. Why is this important anyway? We don't care.
~~~~~
Uhhh...okaaaay...Not...
~~~~
Whew...I'm done for the day.
-Ed
<b>Mon May 23, 2005 @ 6:15 pm</b><br /><br />
Dear Windows Movie Maker:
I hate your friggen guts. I think you suck a** and so do the people who make you. You are a joke; a slap in the face to consumers everywhere. Microsoft is an extention of Satan. Infact, I think Bill Gates IS Satan. Therefore it's no use for me to tell you to burn in hell. On the other hand, if there is a God, I hope he smites your a**.
Screw you.
~Ed
Anyways.
I badly need a new computer chair.
Why is this important enough to warrant an entire blog about it? Because my current chair sucks; a plastic desk chair that would put the staypuff marshmellow mans a** in a sling. Not pleasant.
I love the computer chair that the family computer has. It's leather. Comfy. Adjusts hieghts...I think I've just moved up into the 2000s! OMG!
All I need is a real computer chair.
And a new webcam.
Baby steps...
Oh yes...and thanks to Steve for helping me reach Crusader Status in RO.
Yes, it was drama filled, but thankfully you are the patient one in our friendship, so it all worked out! Hope all is okay! See you online!
Nik sent me a pretty nifty song the other day, and I fell in love with this James Blunt fellow. I went ahead and dled a bunch of other songs from the artist.
<center>"No Bravery"
There are children standing here,
Arms outstretched into the sky,
Tears drying on their face.
He has been here.
Brothers lie in shallow graves.
Fathers lost without a trace.
A nation blind to their disgrace,
Since he's been here.
And I see no bravery,
No bravery in your eyes anymore.
Only sadness.
Houses burnt beyond repair.
The smell of death is in the air.
A woman weeping in despair says,
He has been here.
Tracer lighting up the sky.
It's another families' turn to die.
A child afraid to even cry out says,
He has been here.
And I see no bravery,
No bravery in your eyes anymore.
Only sadness.
There are children standing here,
Arms outstretched into the sky,
But no one asks the question why,
He has been here.
Old men kneel and accept their fate.
Wives and daughters cut and raped.
A generation drenched in hate.
Yes, he has been here.
And I see no bravery,
No bravery in your eyes anymore.
Only sadness.</center>
*snort* My own uzumaki has failed...
...so I give it to you, Steve.
f3Ar my M4d aRtz Sk1lz!!!11
Later dunces.
~Ed|Vahn
Current Music: Violent Pornography - SOAD
Current Mood: 
<b>Sun May 22, 2005 @ 12:47 pm</b><br /><br />
I think we've all see this around at one time or another. "Mean People Suck".
Yes they do.
Why are people mean? Well, who knows, but they all have several things in common. Look at the word "mean". It can also be used to define something "small". Mean people live small, think small, and usually feel pretty "small" themselves. To feel big, they treat others badly because they aren't capable of being big on their own merit. The more smallness in thier lives and personality, the meaner they tend to be. It's actually pretty sad, when you think about it. It must be horrible to have such a crappy life and poor self esteem that you're unable to see anything good and decent in your life and feel forced to behave like an a**.
So how do you deal with one of these small minded nasties when they decide to target you? There's a few ways to handle them actually, but usually it depends on circumstance and personality. You can always do what this guy did (this story is probably not true, but it's funnier than hell), but that's a lot of time and effort to waste on a couple of assholes. Anyway, in most cases, smiling and outright laugher works well. Nothing throws a bully or jerk off more than when they insult you and you laugh in their face. Honestly, if you think about all the mean things that have ever been said to you, do they make much sense? No, probably not. Mean people live inside their own small little world where they are HUGE...laughing at them brings them back down into their smallness and makes them uncomfortable. Their words are meant to hurt. They make up the stupidest stuff to make others feel bad, often resorting to petty, school yard name calling. It's really asinine and funny when you think about it. If you really want to throw them, call them a "doo-doo head" or something equally as juvenile.
You can also counter meanness with head on. Usually this works with bullies who don't know you well and believe you'll just take their crap laying down. A few snappy comebacks and some "large" wit can shut them up. Then again, it can tick them off and send them spiraling into a diarreah of sophmoric cataurwauling that will make you want to stab them in the frontal lobe. Just remember how infanitle thier tiny minds are and try to feel some pity.
Ignoring a jerk has its uses too. The theory is that if you pretend not to see or hear someone's meanness, they'll think you aren't paying attention and leave you alone. This can backfire. Often, bullies just don't get it that you could give a s**t about them, and mistake your silence for hurt feelings.
Of course, the honest truth is often a great counter to meanness. The saying "truth hurts" is very accurate. Calling a bully out and pointing out all their personality flaws will either make them run crying, or start a fist fight...so be prepared.
Overall, assertivness seems to work the best. Jerks are more often than not, preditors looking for people who'll put up with their crap. They have to be bigger, they have to be right, they have to be the best, even when they suck at everything they do. Feel bad for them. They aren't very smart. Case in point, the sticker we've all seen before. Jerkoffs decided to counter with their own sticker, and in a stroke of brilliance came up with the slogan "Mean people suck, but nice people blow/swallow."
Uhhhhh...correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't it all go together? *shakes head* You see, they aren't creative enough to think big and come up with something orginal. Poor saps.
Don't let mean people intimidate you. Pity them, laugh at them, and put them in their place. They need guidance from us realistic, centered individuals. Only then can they begin to become constructive, useful human beings again.
<b>Sat May 21, 2005 @ 8:46 pm </b><br /><br />
Well, I guess this week was the week for emotional, potentially tear-jerking scenes and confessions in my favorite manga/shows.
Bleach Chapter 179
So that b*****d Aizen has taken off with the Menos; left behind is the carnage he caused. The medical teams have swarmed on the fallen and Orihime is healing Ichigo. Byakuya is seriously hurt and asks to see Rukia. Rukia sits by his side as he tells her that he was once married to her older sister. Her sister had abandoned her when she was a baby, and on her death-bed (is that an oxymoron?), she asked Byakuya to find Rukia and take care of her. Byakuya made his promise to his wife, but he had also made a promise family--that he would never go against the law again. He had once, and paid the price (marrying his wife--a low born woman). He found Rukia a year later and had her adopted into the family, commanding the servants and such tell her he'd become fond of her because she looked so much like his late wife (no one told Rukia she had a sister).
So when he heard of her sentance to be killed, he didn't know what to do and found himself torn--he made the decision to uphold his vow to his family (ie: run away from the right thing to do).
He then thanks Ichigo for doing what he couldn't do himself, and then he apologizes to Rukia. At the end of the chapter Isane is talking to Unohana and mentions that Byakuya will be fine now.
Byakuya's story made me sad. Really sad, but he's still a dumbass. WTF!? How is upholding his vow to his family more important than saving his little sister? He gets points for admitting his mistake, thanking Ichigo, and apologizing to Rukia though. I hope he's not dead... *gasp* (did I just say that out loud?)
Bleach Episode 32
Okay, this episode brought some tears to my eyes. Poor Renji--my heart just aches for him. Utterly defeated by Ichigo, he begs him to save Rukia. He mourns over the fact that HE wasn't the one who was brave enough to go after her in the first place, and I think that pains him more than the wounds he's gotten during the battle with Ichigo.
Renji tells the story of his life, and Rukia's, as children growing up in a world full of murder and pain. Common street urchins, the form a bond with one another, and after the last of their friends have been killed, they decide to become shinigami in hopes of having a better life. Renji doesn't quite fit in, nor does Rukia, as all the other students are from noble families.
Later, Renji walks in on Rukia and Byakuya, and hears that the Kuchiki family has decided to adopt her. He's a bit startled, and Rukia looks sad, but Renji plays off his grief by being "overly estactic" about the news. They both know that once she's adopted, their friendship will be no more, as she will be a noble and he will still be a street rat from the slums.
Renji tells Ichigo that he trained hard, hard enough to be put into one of the thirteen teams. His goal was to become stronger than Byakuya, but he could never catch up with him. It is then that he begs Ichigo to protect Rukia and save her life.
All I can say is I had tears in my eyes at the end of this episode.
Naruto Episode 135 (? I'm losing count)
Everyone is back in Konoha. Med teams are desperatly trying to save the lives of Neiji and Choji. Kiba is hurt, but will be fine. Akamaru is injured badly, but Kiba's sister says he'll be okay too. Shikamaru sits outside the emergency room where Choji is being worked on. Temari chides him a bit, and Shikamaru gets upset and goes to leave. His father stops him and tells him that even if he stops being a team leader, the missions will still go on. Yes, he failed this time, but wouldn't it be better if it was him leading his friends and not some stranger?
Tsunade comes out of Choji's room and declares he'll be fine. Shikamaru begins to cry. *sob*
Naruto is a mess in his own hospital room. Shikamaru visits with him and Naruto tells him Sasuke got away. Sakura listens at the door until Tsunade shows up and ushers her in. Naruto apologizes for not being able to keep his promise, but Sakura tries to blow it off. Naruto, being Naruto, makes a bold declaration that he WILL get Sasuke back, no matter what.
Later, Jiraiya shows up and tells Naruto he's going to train him, but he needs to forget about Sasuke. Sasuke is like Orochimaru; there is no helping him. Naruto disagrees and Jiraiya says he won't train Naruto and he'll never be a ninja. Worse, the Akatsuki will get him. Naruto tells him to bring it on. He'll train his own way, bring Sasuke back, and beat the hell out of the Akatsuki too. Jiraiya decides to train Naruto.
Meanwhile, Sasuke is with Orochimaru and scaring the s**t out of Kubuto.
Naruto chapter 160
Not much here--except that Kakashi fights a psuedo Itachi. Apparently Kisame and Itachi are controlling several sand villagers and making them look like them with some sort of genjutsu.
Back in the Akatsuki hideout--Gaara is dying...
Ugh.. anyways.. I'm so bored right now.
<b>Thu May 19, 2005 @ 12:40 pm </b><br /><br />
Here I am at home, with nothing to do for the next few hours, and I thought I might sit down and do some writing. "Thought" being the important word here.
I've tried before, but the minute I sit in front of the PC here, nothing wants to come out of my brain and onto this post. It's like a valve has been shut off. "Click"-- access denied. However, once I'm watch anime or listen to music, tucked away in my safe little corner of the world, I can be inspired to write for hours-- though I ususally write with pencil and eraser instead of using my computer. Still, I don't think the computer has much to do with it either though. I've tried bringing my notebook with me and writing in it too, but with the same results.
I can't write outside of my comfort zone. I need quiet, solitude, little interruptions from outside disturbances. Even at home, I don't listen to music or watch television when I write. It's too distracting. Having a little brother who is full of questions and wants to play during the evening makes picking up a pencil difficult too, so my writing times have become late night activities that last well into the early morning.
Maybe that's why I'm so grumbly in the morning. 4 or 5 hours worth of sleep is bound to wear on a person, though my body has become accustomed to it. If I fall asleep before 12am, I'm awake at 3 or 4 in the morning. One fateful day last week, I was extreamly tired and went to bed at 8, thinking I'd take a nap and then get up for a few hours, but instead, I found myself wide awake at 1:30 in the morning, ready to start my day...and what a long day it was...
I think I'm nocturnal by nature. I like being up at night, when all is quiet. I can work on stuff with no interruptions, my thoughts all my own. I enjoy that silence and it's one of the few parts of my day where I'm not obligated to anyone else. A selfish notion, but all people are selfish in some aspect.
~~~~~
On another note, and I've said things about this before, if one more person makes a comment about the way I run my life, the gloves will come off and they'll see what a b***h I can be. I'm to the point that I don't really give a s**t hurt anyone's feelings. I can burn bridges with the best of them--keep it up, and we'll see how hot the flames get. I don't care if they are family or friends anymore. These people need to STFU. Now.
First--I'd like to point out that people passing judgement on me and my lifestyle (or lack there of, I suppose), have not once...ONCE...sat down and asked me about my future plans. No one has ever asked me how things were going (in a serious manner). No one has ever bothered to ask me if I'm happy with myself and my life. They just assume I'm not--
NEWS FLASH PEOPLE! I AM HAPPY! SERIOUSLY! I'M CONTENT! I'M NOT DEPRESSED! So I don't care for large groups of people. I don't need a massive social circle to sooth my ego or make me feel loved. So I don't like going out to loud places or dropping 20 bucks for a movie I can see at home in six months for less than 5. Here's the honest to god truth in a nutshell-- I prefer my own company to anyone elses. That's right. I like my solitude 100 times more than I prefer said persons/peoples company. It's important to ME. Very important. If these people can't deal with that, not my problem. I've spent a large portion of my life trying to make other people happy by being someone I'm not and doing things I hate. Guess what? That's over. There are two people in this world I worry about making happy--my girlfriend and myself. If I happen to make a few other people feel special along the way, great.
Of course, that doesn't mean I like being alone all the time. There are a handful of people in my life that I don't mind being around. They know who they are (or at least I hope so). I will go and do things with them, spend time with them, chat with them online, but this doesn't mean I share everything with them either. These people tend to understand me and my need for privacy. Nor do they question me. I appriciate them all the more for it, which is probably why I enjoy their company above all others.
Secondly-- I seem to be surrounded by psychics. I should be amazed, but I'm actually pretty pissed off about the whole deal. I mean, how dare they read my mind and see my private plans for the future. Perhaps I wanted to keep those ideas to myself, considering I've never spoke to anyone about them. {end sarcasm} Once again, the assuming without even asking...Do people think I don't ponder my future and the things I "could" be doing? And those things I "could be doing", why should I be doing them "right now"? Is there a memo I missed? How about this, why don't we let ME worry about what I could/should be doing from this time forward. Why? Two reasons:
1.) It's my life. I know what I want to do with it--other people don't. I suggest the people living in glass houses stop throwing stones--mind your own business.
2.) There is a reason I don't bother to tell people my thoughts on my future and it has nothing to do with having no plan. My reasoning is simple. I DON'T WANT THEM TO KNOW! There's no rule that I have to share my dreams with eveyone who loves and cares about me. Besides, if anyone paid attention to the things I said and talked about, it wouldn't be that hard to figure out, but alas, they're too busy assuming s**t to actually hear what I'm saying.
I know this sounds harsh, but I'm really fed up with it all. I've dealt with scrutiny for a long time...I'm used to it, but everyone has limits. It annoys me that people who are suppose to KNOW me, really don't...nor do they make the effort to. I'm sick of talking AT people and having them dismiss my words as some sort of denial...what irritates me even more are these are people who are suppose to be close to me, even care about me, but they're too busy listening to their own wagging tongues to hear the one person that matters. ME.
So, to all those annoying people I love (and I do love them)--shut the hell up. I'm through being nice. If someone wants to talk to me about my life, then TALK to me...not AT me...and for the love of God...listen to me. I know myself far better than anyone else...trust me on this one.
Oh yea, and Vote Ed.
~Ed
<b>N/A 2005 @ N/A </b><br /><br />
Hey Ed. I know I don't email you much, but here's one now.
I just need someone to vent to... 'cause frankly i'm a little frustrated right now. Okay.... a LOT frustrated.... but it has nothin' to do with you... as if it ever does, huh? Sigh... y'know... life's funny. Not "Ha ha! That was pretty good!", funny. More like, "WTF??! Why in the hell did THAT happen?!" kinda funny. And usually when it's bein' this "funny", it's due to the opposite sex. It starts to make you wonder "Why should I even bother? Now I see why people cheat!", etc. And then you sit.... take a deep breath... and muscle through it. You want to tell people how you really, TRUELY feel deep down... but you don't. You figure, "It might just be my imagination... there's no problem at all..."
Hn.
But if there IS a problem discovered later on down the road, you're all like, "Damn it... I saw the warning signs back then...!". And even though there are "warning signs", you don't heed them. 'Cause you hope that you're wrong. And you try to delude yourself by tellin' yo'self that you should "Just be patient... it'll all work out in the end." So you hold your breath... and you start to suffocate. And you look at the other person and wonder, "Damn... Do they even see me dyin' over here? Save me, damn it!" And since most of us don't have the fine art of ESP down yet, you can't do ANYTHING..... except wait.
And wait some more.
And get frustrated...
While you're waitin', you look in a mirror at yourself and see... you. "What in the hell's wrong with ME??? Why do I get treated like this??", you might wonder... or even ask out loud... but no one answers. Not a real answer, anyway. Not a definetive one. It's always, "I don't know... you're such a sweet person..." Or some other such answer that makes you think more and more, well then "WHY ME?? Is MY heart shaped like a doormat, or something?" But no one can ever truely tell you. And your thoughts drift to other people... people you feel this might not have happened with... but for all you know, it could've been even worse. You begin to realize.... NO ONE treats you the way you treat them. NO ONE on the entier, ********', miserable spinnin' hunk of rock we call Earth. And it makes you sad. But "others" don't need to see your sadness.
When people see you sad, they see someone layin' on the ground, with their hand stretched out, wanting to be helped up. And they ALWAYS do one of two things: Either leave you there in the dirt, or take your hand, help you up, then say, "Now what're you gonna do for ME?" So, you muscle through it. And you feel like people take your kindness as weakness... even though you're taking s**t that would crush another person.
Psh... yeah.
Life's "funny".
-- I couldn't have said it any better.
<b>Mon April 04, 2005 @ 10:59 am </b><br /><br />
Well.. it's been awhile, and lots been going on.
As you can see, I've gone and updated my entire journal for your veiwing pleasure. Jayne made me the banners, bless her heart. I got the idea and set up from my old deviant art account of course- so uh, thanks to them and me I suppose. &_&
Firstly.. let me adress something important to me.
Diane.
A lot of swirling emotions, a lot of heartache, but girl, in the end- I did love you. And yea, I'm happy we can still talk, even if its through strained means now. I'm working on that letter as I type this so no worries.. It'll get to you, I promise.
Jayne.
We've had a lot of fond memories. I won't deny that. You can do a lot better, and should do a lot better. We both know that. But we also both know your stubborn as hell. That's fine with me, I've never been able to change your mind at all I guess. I don't hate you or abhor you though.. I do still regard you as being close to me- please understand that.
Kacee.
You got Griff, what more can I say? I'm super glad though, ^ ^, yes I am. You two make such a wonderful couple, its awesome. I do care for you, do like you, do love you- and I know you two won't be seperating any time soon. I'm happy to call you my Hime- you know that. &3
Lotta problems in the job search, already got my phone turned off- BUT, I'm not giving up hope. I'll survive, even if I have to go beat up a clown to do so. &br /&<br />
<b>Sat Mar 19, 2005 @ 2:12 am </b><br /><br />
Merrily...merrily.. down the stream..
So.. like.. apparently..
No one role-plays anymore in my guild..
And like.. people.. are.. um.. stuff.
I'm still single.. at least 4 girls right now that WANT to date me.. and I wouldn't mind dating either of the 4. Sometimes I feel like a peice of meat or something.. dangled in front of the lions and what not.
I really don't se--- waiiiiit. Your thinking I'm gonna go off into another self-loathing rant. Aren't you?
Well, not this time doughnut-head.
In all honesty though, it IS troublesome. It's like no matter what I pick, I still end up losing..
Kinda.
I wanna make everyone happy, you know?
But I want to be happy to.
I don't know.. my life is in hsambles as it is. I still need a job.. my bills are racking up and its going to be hell to pay all 3 of them.. I missed out on going to my father's birthday as well.. because I overslept.
I was so f'ing dissapointed in myself.. I can be so immature sometimes.. its ridiculous.
I need to get my a** moving.. need to go out and do stuff.
I don't know what, but it should be done.
I hate making Diane wait like this.. am I though? In all honesty I don't know why she's even stuck it out this long.. my body is a mess, my minds all wacked out.. I'm just so tired..
You know what I need?
A back massage.
Or a chiropractor.
I NEED to get my back worked on.. badly.. so much pain..arrg. I need to wash some clothes too.. and get a haircut. <br /><br />
<b>Thu Jan 13, 2005 @ 8:05 pm </b><br /><br />
So I'm the king of all these things of this mess I have made
Such a waste what a shame my whole life is a fake
Well I'm a bore and I'm sure I'm a thorn inside of you that has torn at you for years
The alcohol the demerol these things never could replace
What a minute with you could do to put a smile on my face
I'm a bore and I'm sure I'm a thorn inside of you that has torn at me for years
I can't get out of this dead skin I can't shed my skin
I'm not sure where to begin why can't I begin again
I can't get under my dead skin I can't shed my skin
Can I sleep 'til then
Phenobarbitol and alocohol these two surely will do
To knock me out keep me down at least a day or two
When I'm awake I can taste how bitter I've become
And it's more than I can bear somedays I pray someone will blow me away
Make it quick but let it burn so I can feel my life fade
Well I'm a waste and I can taste how bitter I've become
And it's more than I can bear
I can't shed my skin
I can't shed my skin
-Curls up, burying my head into my own chest...-
<br /><br />
<b>Wed Jan 12, 2005 @ 9:52 pm </b><br /><br />
I love how no matter how down I am- feeling like it can't get any worse- there's always that one person, standing in the backdrop; waiting to agitate you more than you already are.
There's always one person ready to make you feel like s**t with their pety, selfish comments. Or that one b***h in the forum who doesn't even have the balls to say anything- just sit and stare.
It's not often that I get a compliment from anyone other than my closest friends, trying to make me feel better about the miserable world we all live in. I think, how can they say that... they know it's all a lie. Everything is just a lie. Especially when people rave about how things will get better. How can people say that and truly mean it? It gets me thinking, are some actually content with the lives they lead? And why can't I be like that?
Not that I want to live a false life, I'd rather be sad and honest about life than happy and advocating a falacy. I just want... mediocrity. Nothing in my life is less than a typical teenage melodrama... except it's real. I wish that people would be indifferent of how I feel and act. Who the ******** are they to judge me when their biggest concerning is passing the next exam and fitting in with the standards of society. And they all have that same lifeless stare when they look at you. It's almost as though they're seeing through you, but grasping the general point that you're different. My invisibility doesn't even phase them anymore. You would think that after knowing these worthless animals for a year, they'd know that the 'emo' kid Ed visits the same forums as you do. You choose who you wish not to see. You know they're name and you know that you don't like them and wish not to see them- so you don't.
I'm beginning to think that I have some weird ability to come in and out of life. It's like the people don't know I'm there- they're not choosing not to see me; they just don't, or perhaps can't. So my apparent invisibility keeps me miserable until one person decides to stand up and say "Hey Ed, what's new?"
I suppose this isn't really a journal entry rather than random thoughts that have to go somewhere other than swimming in my ******** head.
Sometimes I just realize the repercusions of things I do to myself and wonder what the ******** is wrong with me... I can never understand myself at moments, but try to understand like another brain within one head, things just don't seem right. I quit messing around with girl after girl, ever since running into this one chick... Even if she does live in another state... she feels me, ya know?
I suppose her pain and life have run the gambit to being as similar as mine- hell even Patrick told me so. He said I should just leave her..that the two of us just ain't meant to be.
Too destructive, and we would just end up hurting each other...or some crap like that. I can't remember that day so well.
I feel so domesticated, it's a culture shock at best description. I've come to see how crazy things really are in this world, especially after highschool, hitting college and what not. Then all of a sudden its a job, appointments with people I dont know, girlfriends who don't have a clue how ******** up I really am and can be. Real life has closed its cage around me, right after I escaped the cage of childhood.
HAH What childhood?!
I thought things would be better after I got that job. I was so ******** happy. Yea, so ******** happy- I got fired 6 months later. Cheap ********...
Things are now that much more apparent now that I'm aware of what's going on around me. As well as that much more intolerable without my eyes closed. It's a sick position to be in when you're not sure if you can live with yourself.
It's so ******** wierd. At least I haven't lost my sense of humour.
Wait- I never had one.
I'm still the bitter a*****e I always was. I still am going to shave my eyebrows and wear cracked out lenses, I still am going to try and grow my hair out. No, I'm not throwing away the knee-hi's in exchange for the gay prada slippers, I dont care If they get you laid. I do just fine. I wish people would just take my good with my bad. I'm still the person who would expend myself for you If I care about you. It might be only because I dont value myself as much as I should, but be happy I would take your place in a bad position. If you do anything for me, I always return the favor 3 fold.
My love has always been conditional, unless your name is Lauren and your alive. I miss the smell of popeys chicken in you and Marys apartment. Bumping Skinny Puppy and getting drunk on lots of cheap wine and ******** around with you. I wish you were still here with me today, this is a total paradice lost. You were honestly one of the few in the world who could talk me out of anything cause I never wanted to hurt you. What do I do now that your'e gone? I'll come visit you on sundays and leave flowers behind. RIP. I suppose she's one of the only reasons I haven't went and did some dumb s**t like blow my brains out or go overdose or any of those stupid thoughts, she always told me no matter what, I was here for something, or else I would have been dead through all the crazy s**t I've been through....... and for some reason I just believe it. She never told a lie. sorry to get mushy on any body who's reading this, but give me a break. I miss her and she talked me into getting off my a** and on with life, wich was not an easy habit to break.
She really thought I was worth more, pretty rare seeing as how most people cant look me in the eye half the time. what the ******** is wrong with you guy's anyway?
Seems, all I go about doing these days is upsetting people. Maybe I should make a living off it. Kat, Anneke, now Diane as well.
'Maybe because all you do is push people' Is that true? Am I really pushing...why am I pushing then. Why the ******** do I keep on doing the one thing I hate to ******** do over and over again to people that I try and tell myself in my head that I like. Why do I treat and label them off as badguys. What makes me right? What the ******** makes me right?!!! Can anyone tell me! Anyone...
Cheating..have I been cheating then. Cheating myself of life in general..as a whole. Killing myself slowly away, because of myself for myself...what the ********. Whats in my heart then? What am I supposed to listen to..supposed to follow...whats right, whats wrong? Who the ******** decides these things? Is that how it goes then... Is that how the ******** it goes down?!
'I don't love you' Thats what Diane told me. Then what...what else is there. Was I the idiot for trying to see what wasn't there at all? Am I the ******** moron whos playing chess with himself..is that it- am I just dillusional now..am I just a ******** retart. A hopeless dreamer.
I sit in this god damn chair, day after day, just wasting away...Why the ******** can't I just get up off my a** and do something already!!!
Lazy..I'm lazy..so lazy. You said you'd be there for me Diane...
No..all of you have said that...its the most overused line in this stupid movie...play..book...whatever the ******** you want it to be..called life.
I guess life isnt too bad. yeah, the world is going to hell in a basket. but It's not always too bad. There is always the latest album of your favorite group coming out, there is always a girl for you, be it just sex or something better. trust me, I found out half of them dont care how you look, it's about confidence and swayery. And if you sell your soul, you can make horrible music that sounds good to only you. and if your'e anything like me, the only place you have to go is up, cause you've already glimpsed the bottom.
I often wondered if people spend their entire lives looking for god to figure out the meaning to life...
...if so, since I already know the answer to the purpose of our existence, does that mean god will soon be coming for me?
<br /><br />
<b>Sun Dec 26, 2004 @ 1:40 pm </b><br /><br />
It's supposed to be a happy month...a festive time as the year ends.
Tch- I couldn't give two shits.
I've been noting, through comments and observations of myself over the years that I've been on gaia- how much I've changed. And- that ammount of change, suffice to say, is a lot. Some might view it as being in a bad way, but whatever- like I give a s**t what other people think.
I've never given an iota to another's thought, because quite frankly- I've always looked after myself, counted and depended on myself to get through life. At least up to this point...
Arguing...always arguing, thats what I've been doing nonstop it seems.
Wherever I go, something sparks- and because of my attitude and outlook on life, I turn something that can be so small..into a literal wildfire.
"There are many people I hate, some I do not like, and no one I love"
To those whom feel I have hurt them- I say this.
Too bad.
I'm not who you think I am, I am not what you feel I can be- I am just a malevolent ball of hatred. I've come to accept my goal in life is to piss off as many people as I can until it kills me.
Friends? No..I have people that need me..and use me. Have use for me.
I don't have any friends...Just as I have no life.
Like mostly all of you other people have no life...otherwise why spend every waking moment, on an online forum? Face it- your all ******** losers.
I'm tired of bouncing back and forth between people...'ooh she likes me' 'oooh she loves me'. You people all make me sick.
I just seemingly always happen to break out into fights with the oh so precious Kat now...Not like I do it on purpose. Yea- like any of you idiots would beleive me. I'm the a*****e here, remember? And she's little ms. perfect.
So much bullshit floating around these waters..its not even funny. I don't even know why I'm still here..why I bother.
Sometimes I wish I'd just blow my ******** head off..I really do.
I feel like the whole world watches and stares, yet in the same breath I have the unfading feeling of invisibility. Having opposite emotions helps me, because when I'm definite on something I act, so this indecision holds me in a dazed limbo.
I feel like the world wants to point their eyes at me to belittle me, but never to see what is infront of them. Role-playing is the supreme outlet, but I can't focus enough, so its hard, lifes hard, but it makes the easy times seem so much better, everything I say inside my head is doubled with a pathetic contradiction, trying to cause a swell of contempt, but its sunk below black, below ground level, a deep apathy, human instinct is not serving me justice, I am failing my self.
I mean...I
Got
To
Organize
my thoughts here....
Schizophrenia doesn't work so well when the other valence can't agree with me. No hostillity, just a feeling of constent un dying confusion. If the world was a smoker, I would have been the bright light at the tip of the cigarette, but then the world ashed me onto the ground, to fade from a bright flame to a dull glow, I should be dead, but I refused to burn out and die, I set alight the surrounding folliage, I new smell of smoke for the world, burning down field after field after street after street, I am begining to spread my wings and if you don't open your eyes...
I am carnage, the product of a ignorant and unkind world, I will play fair but furious...
...and I won't be ashed out again, if you don't open your eyes, I just might open fire.
<b>Mon Nov 01, 2004 @ 3:24 pm </b><br /><br />
Halloween is in the swing of things...and its already over. Oh poo.
I got a few items..but not enough to appease her...so I turned to desperation and someone unexpectdely turned out to be my savior angel..and what a Trick he pulled out of his hat.
I'll defintely be remembering this... !<br /><br />
<b>Mon Oct 18, 2004 @ 8:25 pm</b><br /><br />
Hmmm.
So...what do I use this for again?
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 Vahn Fah · Wed Apr 06, 2005 @ 04:15am · 2 Comments |
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