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Sorry for the delay in updating this stupid thing but during my inner battle in which my self preserving side decided to attempt to get me to re-think this decision. But once again, as is the usual line of circumstances in my life, my reckless and stubborn rebellious side won out and is forcing me to write it anyway. But enough rambling, on with the first actual installment of my insanity… my life story.
But before I actually begin there are a few things you all need to know about me to understand the way I think, or at least enough to give you enough of an idea to interpret the reasons behind some of my courses of action in life. One, my mother has a severe undiagnosable heart condition that is incurable and causes her to pass out just about every time she stands up, no it does not appear that I have inherited this disease so the fainting spell I had awhile back is not related. However I have been consciously aware of this condition since I was three years old. I have since then been worried about her safety and scared to death of losing her. Despite how much I complain about her, she is my mom and I do love/care about her. This accounts for one of my more prominent personality traits, my constant worrying, which tends to confuse and or exasperate all of you. Two, my dad also has a medical condition though it is scary for a different reason entirely. When a person gets angry a chemical reaction occurs in the brain in order to calm that person down. My father has an extreme shortage of this chemical. In result when he gets angry he stays angry and any other small annoyances that occur in this state only add to that anger and aggravate it. Coupled with depression due to the recent loss of both his parents it has at times caused him to become downright violent. I have unfortunately inherited this one it being genetically passed down from my Italy born great-grandfather. Although my case isn’t as bad as his it does explain my quick temper and tendency to yell and throw things. However because my father has it and I have grown up under his care it also explains my perpetual state of fear. Yes I live in perpetual fear, of everything. From what might be standing around the next corner I turn, to the idea that I might do something stupid and lose the guy of my dreams (Mason). And its not worry or suspicion either. It is pure unadulterated terror. It also accounts for my timidity and dislike of being noticed. And third and finally, for now, there are some things I am going to be bringing up that you all are going to wonder why they affected me so much or will think are stupid because its not as bad as things that have happened to other people. Really not many bad things have happened to me, but what has happened has altered my outlook on life and the way I think drastically. So no matter how miniscule it may seem on a grand scale it means a lot to me and I would appreciate if you would keep the ridicule and disdain to a minimum. On the flip side there are also instances described in here that will thoroughly insult and upset many of you, there is to be no murdering, maiming, yelling at, kicking, or otherwise inflicting of bodily, mental, metaphysical, spiritual or implied harm on any people involved in each instance. The exception to this rule is myself and if your willing to face the wrath of Mason, Kat, Anna and a myriad of other people just to get at me for something that I thought or did, more power to you.
NOW ON WITH THE STORY!
I was a very quick learner, still am for that matter, and could walk, talk and sing since I was one. Yes I said sing, singing is something I truly enjoy doing and have since as long as I can remember. Because both of my parents worked I was pretty much raised at my grandmas house, distancing my relations with my noni, nono, and other members of my dad’s family. Contrarily it was at the wedding of my cousin Amanda, my dad’s niece, that my first truly memorable experience happened. My cousin Amanda and her whole family, this was my uncle John, aunt Debbie, and cousins Caleb, Lance and Cody, all lived in Cheyanne Wyoming. We had driven out there with my Noni, Nono, Aunt Dee and cousin Jo, my only friend at the time. When we got out there everyone had paired up with whichever cousin they seemed to get along with the best, Jo hung out with Lance, who was thirteen at the time, and I hung out with my cousins Caleb and Cody. We had gotten along for most of the week when one day my cousin Lance decided to ask me to follow him to the tree-house that he and his brothers played in. When we got in there he stripped and lay down on the floor demanding that I do the same. At three years old I had no idea what he was going to do or what he might have in mind. All I knew while I was standing there half undressed was that something wasn’t right. So I followed my instincts and jerking my clothing back on ran from the tree-house like my life depended on it. Not knowing that had I not ran what would have happened could have ruined it. I kept this a secret until I was eight years old.
As I turned four and then five I spent more and more time at my mother’s parent’s house becoming as close to my grandma as possible. For the first time in my life I had friends outside the family, Andrew Carney, his brother Brandon, and Shane Doudy. Friends… ha! I only got along with any of them when the other two weren’t around, which was hardly ever. But they were better than nothing so I put up with them. But even though I had many adventures and new experiences in this part of my life the one incident that ever really stands out in my memories doesn’t involve any of them, but instead, an older boy whom I could never remember his name. I was walking home from Andrew’s house because Shane and him were being assholes and repeatedly making me cry, when I literally ran into this tall blonde older kid who was talking to my grandpa in the side yard as he picked plums. I was introduced and began talking to the boy only to find out that he was a pompous, bossy, know-it-all much like myself at the time. Needless to say we didn’t get along that well, or rather I was all sorts of annoyed by him but he appeared to like me just fine. The thing I remember most about him though was that he used to carry around a blue compact mirror with white powder inside that he claimed was a super strong sleeping dust capable of knocking out the entire neighborhood for one or two weeks. This boy aggravated my stubborn natures and I refused to believe him since he refused to prove it, lol, and I couldn’t bring myself to truly consider him a friend despite the fact that those instincts that I mentioned earlier were pushing me to give him a spot in my heart. I found out much later that this boy’s name was Mason Goldbeck and he is my first, current and possibly (hopefully) only boyfriend. So you all can blame him for my stubbornness because he is the person that originally brought it out in me. And to this day nobody can aggravate me quicker or get me more defiant than he can.
But enough for now… I will update again later…
 mistress_of_insanity · Fri Jun 01, 2007 @ 09:51pm · 14 Comments |
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my life... has a dark side and a light side but we're both cute as hell... or so we're told...
