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Xymanore
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6 comments
Chapter 2 The Truth


The young girl ran down the path after seeing the defeat of the two Battalions, she pulled out the scroll and started to follow the directions stopping every so often to push her blonde hair out of her face. She continued the trip until she came upon a small shop. She opened the door and walked in.
The man behind the counter put up a large weapon and said,” Can I help you miss?”
“Uh…..” she said looking at the weapons, “ A man with black angel wings gave me a scroll leading to here and he told me to wait for him here”
“Oh the angel of death Wing Yoshida. What kind of trouble did he get into this time”
“Wing…..Yoshida…..WAIT YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THE LEDENDARY ASSASSIN JUST SAVED MY LIFE”
“Stop yelling… yes he….just….”
“I just what Cid” Wing said walking into the building, his black spiky hair sagging due to the rain. “Well Cid…”
“Nothing Wing…Hey have you seen Xymanore?”
“No why?
The blonde girl butted in to the conversation “Why did the main with the $$25,000,000,000,000 bounty on his head just save me”
“Because I was told to save you.” Wing said with a smirk “So does the hero get a kiss.”
The room echoed with the sound of a Hand colliding with a face. The girl had gotten so flustered that she blew her top.
“OWWWWW” was all that escaped Wings mouth
“NO NO NO NO NO” said the girl
“This is why you don’t make a woman mad” said Cid
“Very funny” replied Wing
A man from the upstairs descended the stair well and walked into the room his Jet black hair was in a mess as if just stepping out of the shower, a white towel was slung around is neck, his chest was bare except for the scars of sword wounds, he wore black baggy Pants, and in his hand he carried a long sword. “what seems to be the commotion here” the man said grabbing a black under shirt
“Wing just got Owned Xymanore” said Cid
“Well who is this lovely young lady”
“My name is Sophia” said the blonde haired girl “but why did Wing save me?”
Xymanore laughed, “Because you needed help. We are The Red Dragons, or at least we were before your father set out for our heads”
“Wait do you mean”
Wing stood up,” Because Princess Sophia we know that your father The “King” knows that we know the real king”
“Wait….I’m a Princess”
Cid walked beside Wing “ She doesn’t know who here father is”
“Yes I do….at least my foster father.”
Xymanore put on the black shirt and sighed, “Your real father is the true king but the False king Knows you are that’s why he sent those guys after you”
“That would explain why they were chasing me”
“Yes now get some sleep we will get you ready to go to the next town”
Xymanore led her through a few halls to appear in another room and walked into a closet and pulled out some sheets and made up a small bed in the living room. He gave her some night clothes while Wing went to his room and Cid went and opened the weapon store that was in front of there base. He turned around as she changed and then he took her Kimono and washed it. He walked back to find her sound asleep and he whispered “good night”





User Comments: [6]
luffy121
Community Member





Sun Jul 08, 2007 @ 12:50am


another awesome story biggrin


Pain-Killer 4 Dead Angels
Community Member





Sun Jul 08, 2007 @ 01:06am


omg omg omg awesome just I can't wait to see the next one =3

!!!!!


10/10 blaugh


Sariah-Forestgirl
Community Member





Tue Jul 10, 2007 @ 06:13pm


I like it ^.^


Zuki Tenshi
Community Member





Thu Jul 10, 2008 @ 05:11am


    Very Good thus far, but I must know are you looking for pure reviews out of enjoyment from reading your writing or are you seeking advanced critique?? [it will help me with my comments if you could reply or PM meh back] :3


Zuki Tenshi
Community Member





Fri Jul 11, 2008 @ 04:32am


    Please keep in mind everything I critique in your comments are only for you to become a better writer with my honest opinions. You do not have to listen to what I say but in my reviews just simply hear out what do have to put. :3

    Again the main thing I see is just the details. You have fairly good details but you can go so much further! And the young girl description is very vague. Exactly how young? In my mind I can either see a little five year old blonde up to a sixteen year old. Please just get a little more specific with "girl" is she very young? Pre-teen? young teen?

    The dialouge you have is good but it seems very choppy. Like I speak then you speak, then I speak. There doesn't seem to be an aparent pause when speakers change which is how a natural conversation is held. People have to think about their responces. Also, specify who is speaking. Don't always assume your audience knows who is speaking [though it's really fine as it is. this is just a friendly tip]

    You need to watch your punctuation as well. There are some spots that are in need of a period, question mark, or explanation point.

    And try and get into Sophia's head a little more. She's suddenly told she is a princess. How does she feel about that? Express her confussion and surprise with your words. Does she feel like she's being smothered with all this information these strange men are suddenly throwing at her?

    Your last few sentences seemed rather rushed, like you just wanted to get something down. What is Xymanore feeling as he's carrying out his tasks?
    Just describe how your characters act. How they carry themself when they walk; how they talk, it can add to character development.

    I do love the story thus far and anxiously await more updates. Keep on writing Xyamanore! I'm loving the plot your coming up with!


katey-cat01
Community Member





Thu Sep 18, 2008 @ 12:48am


really really good cant wait for the rest just keep it up


User Comments: [6]
 
 
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