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* Don't eat rocks. * Don't take naps in the road. * Don't stoke fires with your fingers. * Don't throw a brick straight up. * Don't breathe car exhaust. * If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket. * For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist. * Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them. * Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers. * The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption. * If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you're traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes. * If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don't do it with your head. * Don't flip off the Mafia. * If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit. * Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes. * Light birthday cake candles from back to front. * Don't shave with a lawn mower. * Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them. * Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets. * Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what's inside. * The warning "Don't try this at home" really means "Don't try this at all." * Don't bathe in a tub full of snow. * Don't iron clothes while wearing them. * The expression "Life in the fast line" should not inspire you to live in the road. * Don't eat hot coals. * Don't escape in to jail. * Don't wash floors with cough syrup. * Don't kick porcupines with bare feet. * Don't sled down hills with interstates at the bottom. * Sell at most one of your kidneys. * Don't lie down in a cattle pen. * Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth. * Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun. * Only squeeze the handle end of a sword. * Don't snap towels at passing cops. * Don't throw an angry cat straight up. * Don't lick dry ice. * Before you leap upside down onto a trampoline, make sure it's right side up. * Don't pour salt in your eyes. * Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more. * Don't microwave yourself. * Don't chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo. * Don't swallow toothpaste. * Don't chew Tylenol. * Don't bathe in gasoline. * Don't sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump. * Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls. * Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets. * Don't listen to music from the Spice Girls. * Don't lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish. * Don't go swimming in a well. * Rake leaves, not people. * Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house. * Contrary to popular opinion, you're not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in. * If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it's free. * Don't kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots. * Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window -- use the stairs. * When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot. * Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether. * Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad. * Elvis is dead. Get over it. * Wear clothes. * Use a pot holder when removing items from the oven. * If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck. * Don't drink. * Don't drive. * Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller. * Don't brush your teeth with a wire-bristled sanding wheel. * When using a weed whacker, don't hold the end with the wire. * When using a blow gun -- something you should always have a very good reason for doing anyway -- draw your breath before placing your lips around the barrel. * No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo. * Give me all your money. * When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end. * Toasters should be used to cook bread, not your hands. * Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.
Looweeze · Fri Jul 27, 2007 @ 03:38pm · 1 Comments |
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