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It was only seven o’clock PM, and already the room was hot with body heat. It was only, at the time, Alyssa, Joan, Amanda, Zak, and I, but already the party had begun. As usual, I jumped up, unafraid of how I look, or who saw me; it was only my friends and what did they care? As usual, Alyssa popped in a CD emitting terrible rap music, but that aside, we danced. I didn’t know why, but I had the urge to just … dance, and I hate dancing. It was actually fun.
As the lights went out, and things got fun, Joan and I decided to go to Michael’s Craft Store to pick up some glow sticks -- because what dark, basement party was complete without glow sticks? Off we went, only to, after the trip to Michael’s, pick up Jeremy from his house. We came back to Alyssa’s and all ventured back into the enticing basement of hers. While we were gone, Johann and Craig showed up. I hadn’t talked to either of them in months, and it was kind of weird. I had forced myself to stop liking Craig, seeing as how he now had a girlfriend. I pretty much forced myself through tears and pain to get over him, and yet every time I saw him, that feeling came back. That rotten knot in the pit of your stomach that, no matter how hard to try to untie it, it just gets tighter and tighter until it hurts to undo it.
This night was no different. I know he has a girlfriend. Why can’t I understand it? Why can’t I accept the fact? It didn’t matter -- I gritted my teeth and let everything escape my mind. At this time, I was laying on the couch, watching the butts of my friends grind against each other to the bass of the horrible sound coming from the stereo. At this time, I was laying on the couch, thinking of the tit-grabbing fight Johann and I just had. I thought about it. Had he really just stuck his hand all the way down my shirt? Did he really just grab my boob, skin against skin, no shirt, no bra in between? Yeah … he did. And I didn’t know what to think. At this time, I was laying on the couch, clenching my jaw so hard, I could feel the veins in my neck begin to throb. Fighting back tears, yet again, I closed my eyes, and let everything leave my mind. ‘Let it go, let go,’ was all I thought. I had to let everything go, and not let it get to me.
It hardly worked … well, it worked enough, I guess. And then I opened my eyes, only to see Zak and Jessi all over each other again. I was happy for him, that he was happy. He’s my best from, of course I’d be happy -- jealous, but happy. I sealed shut my eyes again, not wanting to see the image I so wished to be a part of (with a different person, of course; not Zak). I shook the thought, not wanting it to affect me night again, but it was already too late. So, as a result, I decided to go upstairs and watch the game with Alyssa’s dad. Joan, Craig, Johann, Jeremy, Jessi, Ryan, and Zak were up there too. The other girls and Alyssa were in the basement still dancing the night away.
I didn’t smile. I didn’t talk. I didn’t move. I don’t think I could have if I tried.
As the game ended, and our team won, I got up, said my goodbyes, gave a few selective hugs, and walked out. I got in my car, slammed the door. And I sat for a moment. All the thoughts I pushed away came flooding back in, as if the wall holding them in cracked and burst. It all came back to me, and as hard as I tried to force it away, I couldn’t. As a result, I sped off on my way home, thoughts still burning the soft flesh of my brain.
 biogenesis X · Sun Dec 30, 2007 @ 05:18am · 1 Comments |
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