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When I was only 3 my grandfather died of lung cancer and I later find out that he left all these things for me and I can't even remember anything about him. My uncle died when I was seven in January, same as my Grandmother(lung cancer). But the thing is that was my first funeral and all I can remember was that she smelt nothing like my Grandmother-she smelt fake, unreal, and like she had way too much plastic powder on her. After that I wasn't really changed much but when my brother died when I was 10 (him being only 16) I completely lost myself. It turned out that I saw him before I was even home-on the bus ride home.


++story of that day from my perspective=sad thing is that I can clearly remember this and I still have nightmares about it++
It was Friday January 30th, I was riding the bus home and there was reck up ahead. We went by it and I didn't see any bodies or anything. There were police cars, fire trucks, and ambulances. When I got off that bus to get on another that takes me to my house a little boy that rode that bus with me came over. His name was Bobby. He said that he saw a boy in the ambulance and at the time I had no idea that it was my brother. I just looked up at the sky and said, "Well, at least we know he's in a better place now." When I got home, my mom was still at work and it was just my dad and I. The police came to our house and when we walked outside the told me to go back in. I was worried that my dad was going to jail. He wasn't. He came in and told me after I questioned him that my brother, Aaron, was dead. He was ran over in front of the Hardy Boy's Store. I ran into my room crying and just drew untill my hands were sore-still crying. I can still hear my mother's wailing and wrecking in my head when I remember this day.


My dad only coped with sleeping almost 24/7 and my mom, well she hasn't worked another day since and keeps insisting that she knows everything about me. Me? I just do what my mother says. Like going to therapy and the "Warm Place". Warm Place is a childrens thing for kids that have lost someone close to them. THAT only helped me realize that there are other people kids out there that are like me. Every day I bottle up my sadness so that my friends and family suspect nothing. When I am sad, they worry too much. So I tried doing something about it, twice. Neither one worked because of people decided to help me right before I took the last step. Even though the greif camps are fun, it doesn't really help. Nothing does. It just gives me more things to do rather than other things I dare not think of.

My aunt died on December 4th of 2007, when I was 14. December 4th was Aaron's birthday and again, I cried. The whole family did. I was already depressed because of the date, but then I find out that my favorite Aunt is dead and the funeral is on my OTHER brother's birthday. I can hardly keep the hole in my chest closed up. I'm about to explode. But for some reason I can actually keep myself together. I just wish that death wasn't hovering over my shoulder. My parents are getting older every day and I know that my dad won't last for as much as I want him to. He's a smoking, diabetic, workaholic that is 58 years old. And my mom has diabetes and fiber mialgia. She's hurting herself every time I turn around (exageration) and I can't help but to worry about her too. She's 57 years old. My whole family is old compared to any other family. All my cousins and siblings are around 30 or are older and I can only wish that I die before any of them do. But then I stop those thoughts all together because I start thinking of the people that love me. It would hurt my parents too much to loose another child. I can hear my mother's wailing every time I think of suicide, so I try not to. And so I wait, for my natural death, being too overly concious of my surroundings for any accidents to occur. But I keep my upbeat attitude. What you see is a mask, that's all there is to it.

I haven't prayed a REAL prayer sinse the night of my brother's funeral. My self esteem lowers every day thanks to plastics-but it rises a little at least once a week from my guy friends giving me compliments on SOMETHING. My one and only big dog, Racu, died EXACTLY a year after my brother-he died of a heart attack and I envy you for actually BEING with your dog when he died. We don't even know where we buried him. We got more dogs, but they were all dauchounds. 2006 my dog, Nova, died by being ripped to shreds by neighborhood dogs that teamed up on him. My cat, Scrappy, died too. only cat I will ever love EVER. But the worst thing about it, is that it was m own father who killed her. He took her somewhere and did it without even telling me untill he got back. My Christianity level only rises when I listen to Christian rock music and it lowers when I go to church. Every single lesson makes me feel bad and gets me to actually think about my life and how it's going into the dark abiss more and more every day. I've been proclaimed crazy by the whole student body, and if they knew what I was like at home by myself, they would think that even more than they do now. I put on my mask in a shade of exuberated happiness that brings everyone around me joy. but me? I still live somewhere in the deep hole in my chest. Unknown is that hole to anyone else.

I've been swimming sinse before I was born (literaly-my mother had a LOT of water with me). I found out a little while back that my swimming was nothing compared to others. I smiled and acted envious of their tricks-like everyone else. But frankly I didn't really feel anything other than utter dissapointment in myself (more esteem drops) I enjoy playing tennis with my dad even though I know that I don't want to DO anything with that. I'd give anything to be skinny.
but sadly even though I've been starving myself for three days now-I've GAINED three pounds!!! Is that even possible for me to so, if I'm not even barely eating???? I think I'm gonna just drop food all together and just live on water for a whole day, see if that does anything for me. I'll do that tomorrow.
People think I'm emo in real life, which is probably true. But I don't want it to be a missunderstanding. I'm depressed, NOT emo. Again the mask concept comes into play. I ACT very well apparently. No one, not even my parents, suspect a thing.