|
INSANITY and My many complaints of today
I wish I knew what to do with myself. These nonstop mood swings are starting to get to me. One second I am laughing, the next I can be on the floor curled into a ball. My anxiety attacks are starting to get more frequent, and I might be going completely insane. My attacks are so often, I'm kind of getting used to them. My whole body twitches, I get dizzy, then comes a sharp chest-pain, then a headache, I feel like somone stabbed me in the eye, I almost faint, but the pain seems to keep me awake, consious. I feel so numb, so worthless. I don't know what to do. What can I do? Yeah, sure there is meditation to calm me down. Deep breathing? No, I've tried it all, nothing works. Did I mention my newest problem? Yeah, I am never hungry anymore, but my fiance tells me I need to eat. I know I have to but I just....I don't know. My stomach will hurt for hours if I even eat a simple piece of toast, a pbj makes me gag. In my own mind, there are voices. I'm not kidding, not lying. I am telling you the truth, I hear voices. It is kind of wierd, they wake me up in the middle of the night, they make me think I am on the phone. It is all a game to my voices. They keep me from concentrating in school, they make me sleep deprived, it makes me sad and scared. I might be sent to a pshyc ward if my parents find out, they have already put it on their list of places to send Cheyenne. They are sick of all my suicide attempts. Well guess what dad? If you let me have some sort of meds for my anxiety, depression, mood diorder, maybe I might not be half as crazy as I am right now. He thinks I will become 'dependant on meds'. All because of my stupid desicions last year! So what if I overdosed on like 40 asprins? I might have wanted to die from it but all I did was passed out, for quite awhile. But, lucky me my mom did'nt care enough to realize I didn't come out of my room for TWO days, and for the whole next week I seemed to be a zombie. Wow what great parents. Hmmm...anything else to complain about? Yes, of course. I was almost raped last Friday. I was at a bowling alley, walking to a vending machine to get a soda, and I felt someone touch my chest and then my butt. I turned around with a smile because I thought it was my friend, Shannon messing with me. To my surprise it was a drunk guy who laughed at me and stumbled away. That whole night, guys kept yelling to me, looking at me. They examined mer with their eyes. I was scared out of my mind. I told my mom, she flipped out. SHe said "I swear if you still lived with me, you wouldnt be allowed to leave my sight. You are not to be trusted" Yes, my mother is such a great person. She called me a whore and a slut, thinks I will be a hooker, and that I already have sex. I am a virgin woman, proud of it. My dad is also worried all the time that I am doing sexuall activities. Eveytime there is a mark on my neck, he thinks it is a hickey. A kid marked me with a freaking Sharpie! I spilled some chocolate on my neck! (yeah a brown mark on my pale neck, SO looks like a hickey) My therapist, she is pretty nice, yet more watchy of me than my paranoid parents. She is sending poeple to my house to check in on me. They will also be soming to my school. Yeah, I am so going to kill myself there. AHHHH I am so going insane here....
|
