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Can someone tell me...
Why am I so stupid? I know it breaks my heart every time I do it but I still do. I worry about someone. I was told to just give up on that person and that I actually seem happier. But I don't care. That person ment a lot to me, and... I guess I just don't wanna lose that friendship. This person is here on gaia and has blocked me from them but... I guess, it just hurts me even more when I try to see how this friend is doing by trying to read this person's journal, and I can't, becaused I'm blocked. Heh, I guess I should just give up and try to move on... I... I guess I don't want to cause more pain to that said person... I will leave that person alone but I feel like I am losing something important.... It is all my falut anyways... I said things I shouldn't have and I regret it completly but I can't go back and fix it. The thing that shocks me the most isn't losing that friend... but how imcapable of keeping friends I am. I have lost so many friends... I know that saying... If they stay with you through no matter what, that is a true friend. Maybe I am to nice... Maybe I should start to toughen up and tell people what I am feeling and how things are... I am so weak... I am terrified of hurting others so I let them walk all over me.... And that causes problems because when I try to do something I get walked all over again, or they get mad at me for trying to change. Changing! That! I hate that! You can't change. I hate it when people tell you to change. You can't become something your not. the only thing that came happen is something you do becomes more noticable. You don't change. You yourself personally cannot change. Tell me to change and you will probably get an earfull. I am Kristin. I am a b***h, I am nice, I am mean, I hurt people, I care about people, I help people, I do a lot of things. I am almost not Kristin. I am either, this person's virsion of Kristin, or that person or just nutral Kristin when there are tons of people. There is no Kristin out in the public. You will met, fake Kristin. Fake Kristin will be nice no matter what. Fake Kristin wont say a damn thing when you piss her off or hurt her so bad to the point of tears. Sometimes if your lucky, you will see the real Kristin. The real me. But the moment you shove that side of me away the fake Kristin is there to stay. I will put myself into doing a lot of things I on't want to do to try and make you happy. I do not like to play video games a lot. I play them just not often. I like to read. I love to draw. I really love to talk. And you can't hold a one way conversation. It just doesn't work like that. I try to be an understanding person but if you constantly tell me I have no idea at all what is going on I am going to second geuss eerything because I no longer understand what you want! I will listen to you no matter what but if you ask me something... for my opinon or something close to that and then tell me off! Well buddy you just lost it. I am closing up my heart. It is kinda hard to do right now with so many chunks of it still lying on the floor waiting for me to pick them back up and fix my broken heart, but it will be done. I am going to have rules on my heart. Rules I am going to set up for my self. Rules that I will follow. I am not going to let it be shattered. Not like this again. I am not going to get so attached to anyone again. Except for the special 3 still holding up their chunks of my broken heart. They know who they are. They know why they are the ones I still consider so near and dear to me. There used to be tons that I had in there. But one by one they all left ripping their piece off and throwing it to the floor. I am most likly going to seem clod to peoplee, but I am sorry, this is how I feel I should protect my heart. I will not let anyone break it anymore than needed. I will not be so kind and loving anymore. I will not give it freely anymore. look where it got me. I have cried so much in the first week of this summer it isn't funny at all. I will not do it anymore. I am not going to tear myself up over people who no longer like me. I will not try to worm my way back into their life. I also have the feeling that one certain person that doesn't like me anymore lied about what happened between me and that person to my other "friends" I have been getting the cold shoulder from EVERYONE. See that everyone. Everyone I though to be my friend. So much for that. I guess I will be starting the new school year alone wont I? Sigh. Oh well... Life is life. It comes and goes like the passing wind. Friends come and friends go. Don't try to chain someone down. It makes them leave faster. Sorry about my five million page rant... I... just get emotional when it happens. I will movve on now. I will not sit here in the past dewelling on this. So uhm.... yeah.... I am going to make my peanut butter cookies now. Yum! <3 Niiiiiight!
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