Thoughts are a very powerful thing and can lead to positive steps of progression. At other times, they serve to raise questions which we feel incapable of answering. A question left unanswered is a thorn left to fester. With time, it will become a memory, but during this transitional stage of attempted apathy, it insists upon making its presence known.
Why should seeing someone with whom you were previously involved with romantically stimulate feelings of this sort? These feelings were not specific to mournful remembrance of a relationship gone sour. Instead, the things indirectly associated seemed more interesting. I have no true desire to reunite with him. As a human being, the naively vulnerable part of my psyche wishes to feel as though I belong and that someone cares about me. So, it is possible that the insinuating feelings of dejection and loneliness were sheer ripples of basic instinct and desire. So, with this I was left to contemplate whether this strong sensation was indicative of an unfulfilled need. If this need truly exists, it has been neglected for some time, as I have not been romantically involved with anyone for nearly two years. If this need has been able to reside in the back of my mind with little to no evidence of its existence, what would cause it to be in this condition? I am left to wonder if, in some fashion, I have been suppressing certain emotions based on fears…fears perpetuated by experience and dread of venturing down the same path again. All this time, I have believed that I was moving forward with my eyes open and past experiences resolved and relegated to memory. I see now that I am haunted by these experiences and my perception of them. It was foolish for me to think that I could analyze myself so carefully and cope with no remnants left behind to cause any pain.
For an instant, I questioned the ideals that have been so critical in my pursuit of happiness in romance. Could misconceptions be blinding me to possibilities and tainting chances at happiness? What if, after all this, love is something which shouldn’t be viewed as something to reach for, but rather a side-effect? I can understand feeling so close to someone that you feel inclined to help them in any way possible... or provide comfort in times of need. These actions signify caring and potential for more. What if infatuation is truly the builder of love? What if we need this powerful and often distorting aid to propel us into a meaningful relationship?
If I am wrong about this, it could be that it is a consequence of the society in which we live today. The changing cycles sometimes necessitate a shift in priorities and values to survive the environment. What should be right is not always the right course of action to fulfill a need.
Am I single because I enjoy being single? Am I afraid of being hurt? Am I afraid of leading someone along in my attempt to find myself and hurting them? Am I afraid of what others would think of me? Am I inadequate? Can someone accept flaws and faults?
Actions produce results, but inaction ensures that I had no direct part in causing any potential problems for either person involved. Thank goodness for rationalization of irrational thoughts...
What is becoming of me?
