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It's frustrating when you love someone so much and they don't love you back. To me it kinda feels like I am falling and they know how to save me, even the smallest thing could help me. They don't help though, they just watch me fall. Everyday feels like a struggle to me, to just keep myself from going under. Everyone just watches me though and the people that could help are too scared to get there hands dirty. Too many times has life felt pointless and without reason. At times I feel like destroying the world, other times I feel like destroying myself.
Love is a b***h. It can make you happy to the point when your completely content in life. When you lose it though, it can take you to the edge of the abyss. When people lose love they often resolve in destroying themselves to become happy. Alcohol, food, inactivity.... I have resorted to almost none of the big ones, but I think my personality is taking the biggest toll.
I often think about the problem and how to fix it.
1 - The obvious fix would be to go back out with the person that gave you the love and learn from your mistakes. When you can't do that though you have to resort to other things.
2 - My favorite is the die hard approach. Just take the beating and like a body or scab, become stronger from it. Eventually overcoming it and being a stronger person. I can't do that though because most people that do that become callous and insensitive to future or current relationships. They don't let people "in" anymore because they had gotten hurt too much.
3 - The third is to go out with another person. Just like a light bulb when it goes out you replace your significant other with another. The problem with this is that most people don't realize that they aren't fixing any problems, just starting over again and repeating themselves. They are eventually doomed to repeat their past mistakes and go through the same pain.
4 - The last and most depressing one I call the handicap approach. People resort to some kind of new habit or object to quell their pain. Drugs, Alcohol, Food, Pain and the list goes on. The most severe being death. They go throughout there life using a crutch to clear the "voices".
Some people use a combination of these, like for example. In my problem I think that I am using a mix of the second one and the last one. If you know me, I am not one to let people inside of my "trust" or "emotion" bubble easily. So when I do let someone inside, I praise them and love them as much as someone could love another. It's a gamble though. I invest a lot in that person and if things go sour, it takes a tremendous toll on me. So after this happened, I will probably not let people inside my bubble as easily. I will have grown more callous. I would say the fourth though because since I am aware of growing callous I try to resist it. Since it is so hard though, I have to use a crutch. I think mine is inactivity and food. I am aware of this too though and try to avoid it. So I am just kinda in a continual state of suck, for lack of laymen term.
It's weird though.... Some days I am just fine, then other days like today and yesterday, I have this huge emotional surges. Like I try not to think about, "you-know-who" but sometimes I have dreams about when we were together, of the good times. Then I wake up and she isn't there. Then the rest of the day is just a downhill spiral from there. I try to talk to her, but she doesn't help me. I get this feeling that she doesn't care about me because she's not helping the pain. I know it's not true though, she still talks to me but it's just as a "friend".
If I were best to tell what the pain is like. It's like losing a family member. Except they are still there and they can still come back but they won't. She was more than just a girlfriend, she was part of my family. She was one of, in not the only, person that I could trust with all of my love and trust. The worst part is that it feels like I am to blame, I did this to myself. I have tried to fix it but just as we broke up she soon went out with another. In that sense I feel like a light bulb on her part.
Was I just someone that was really easy to replace?
Didn't anything we went through matter to you?

Most people say to me, don't worry once you hit bottom the only way is up. I don't want to hit bottom and neither do you, lest you won't see me anymore. Hitting bottom is resorting to self-destruction and could cause permanent damage to my mind, body, and "soul".

One of the worst things is that I thought I knew her. I really did. When this happened though, I guess I was wrong.
Was everything I thought I knew about her a lie?

When we were going out, she was my reason for going to work and going to school. It's kind of like losing my reason for life. It's hard to find my reason again. It's funny because I didn't realize it until she was gone, but that is just when it is too late...

I know this blog is kinda emo, you don't have to tell me. I just needed to vent. Sorry if it is a little wishy-washy. If you don't know me, I like to talk to people when I have problems. In most cases I would not put up a blog about this but, for me, this is kinda a big deal. Thanks for reading it and leave comments.

~Alex FC