yeah yeah happy new year. i'll be hearing that for the next 3 months... i'm an utter "debby downer" so to speak, so don't really mind me. I can't help it, things like this stopped getting me excited since I haven't been that happy. I spent most of my time arguing, being depressed, keeping things to myself and general shitty stuff.
I'd like to make a resolution that would say that I'll never live another year like that. That I'll never think I'm alone and I'll never let myself feel bad, not like, s**t I got a bad grade bad but like... s**t, I can't do ******** ANYTHING bad.
But I like to argue. I like the pain. I like how my heart beats really fast and my head starts spinning until I've won. I like walking away and leaving the other person utterly pissed at me--but shut down.
But I'm not really like that. I've already made and started my TRUE, TANGIBLE resolutions a while back. Who waits for a new year? So I'll give myself a clean slate.
...At times like this, I wish that I had some kind of belief system. So that I could count on everything working out OK. But since I have no god backing me up (please don't tell me contrary, your faith is yours, my lack is mine...) or anything like that, I believe in people. I'm such a voyeur when it comes to life-- I like reading stranger's LJs, forums, ED pages, devArts, blogs... You name it. I like sharing in their wins and their losses.
Sometimes I wish that I could patch up their boo-boos and make things alright again, for everyone... Sometimes I wish that I could stop the rain (or start it). Or if I could fix everything and everyone. Unfortunately, I'm way too sympathetic. Emphasis on pathetic. (Not pumping my ego! Even my mom says it. This isn't helping.)
I like that part of life though. I guess, if these people manage to get through things without going insane, there's something to be said for humans, right? If babies can live through tornadoes, that means SOMETHING. I don't need to look for what life means beyond today... I feel the need to live. Like there are wings on my back I just can't use.
I guess to some people miracles confirm their purpose too--serving their deity. That their deity is real and... good. I guess.
Me?
Well, this year, and forever... I'm going to start believing in myself as well. I don't need to borrow the guise of characters anymore. I can save that for when I'm feeling low. But there is courage inside me, there is life and... I don't need anyone else's life in order to live mine. (Technically that statement is false, because that would imply that I could exist with just me in the universe. But that's impossible. The feeling still stands tho', damn it.)
I'd make a list of all the random things imaginary friends that have given me strength, but it would be forty pages long.
But I'll make a very short one.
Thank you O, A, B, and G. (I'm still leaving out a lot, but I figure the most embarrassing ones should be posted in my journal.)
That was Osuke, Alizarin, Ban, and Ginji by the way. HAHA NO ONE WILL EVER FIGURE THIS OUT OR READ THE WHITE TEXT.
Sonic14010 Community Member 
|
|
