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BEFORE ANY JOKES ARE READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF YOU ARE INSULTED EASILY, DONT READ.


1)DUMB BLONDE!!

so there are these 3 guys and they are messing around with wepends theres a dude with a gun a dude with a knife and theres this one dude with a grenade so the dude with the gun gos first and he shoot then this girl comes up crying and the dude asks why are ypu crying shes all like my grandma just got shot right out of her weel chair then the guy with the gun hides the gun. Then the dude with the knife gos next and he throws it then a guy comes up crying and the dude with the knife asks whats wrong and the dudes like I was just about to prepose to my girlfriend and and outta no where she got stabed and the dude with the knife runs away. then lastly the guy with the greade throws his wepen then outta no where this blonde comes up to then cracking up and the dude with the grenade asks whys she laughing and shes like “I FARTED AND THE BAR BLEW UP”!!

2)Donut Shop

A man applies for a job at a donut shop. A customer comes. He says”How fresh are the donuts?” ” I dunno”replies the worker. “How much are they?” “I dunno” “Can I buy one?” “I dunno” The manager walks up to the worker. “When they ask’How fresh are the donuts?’ you should say fresh, fresh, very fresh. When they ask ‘How much are they?’ You should say Only 50 cents! And finally, when they ask Can I buy one?, you should reply with If you don’t somebody else will!”

The man does really well. It is more of a routine when a customer comes. Then, an hour later, a robber comes.The robber says,”How much is in the register?”“Only 50 cents!”“Are you being fresh with me?”“Fresh, Fresh, very fresh!”“Do you want me to shoot you?”“Without thinking the clerk says,”If you don’t somebody else will!”

3)Top 20 Things You Don’t Want To Hear During Surgery

1. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

2. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”

3. Hand me that…uh…that uh…thingie.

4. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

5. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

6. There go the lights again…

7. “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys…and this guy’s got two of ‘em.”

8. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

9. Could you stop that thing from beating, it’s throwing my concentration off.

10. Sterile, schmerile. The floor’s clean, right?

11. What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change?

12. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

13. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

14. What do you mean “You want a divorce!”

15. Fire! Fire! Everyone get out.

16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing.

17. Oh, look everyone. It’s lunch time.

18. The foot bone’s connected to the, leg bone…

19. That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

20. Hey, if you pull on this it makes a funny noise.

4)Love your Mamma, for she will give you the tools to build a successful life. Even though mother’s day is still months away, appericiating your mother is always in season. Here’s why…

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. You better pray that will come out of the carpet.

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. Because I said so, that’s why.

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.

7. My mother taught me IRONY. Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. Shut your mouth and eat your supper.

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. Stop acting like your father!

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. Just wait until we get home.

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. You are going to get it when you get home!

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.

19. My mother taught me ESP. Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?

20. My mother taught me HUMOR (so that I could write this blog… ummm yea). When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. You’re just like your father.

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

5)Ice Cream

A man walks into an ice cream parlor and looks at the menu. He says,”I’ll have a gallon of vannila, a gallon of strawberry, and a gallon of chocolate. The clerk says,”Sorry sir we’re out of chocolate.” The man says ok and looks at the menu again. He says, “I’ll have a quart of vannila, a quart of strawberry, and a quart of chocolate.” The clerk says,”Told you, we’re out of chocolate.” “Right i forgot.” He takes another look at the menu and says,”OK i’ll have a pint of vanilla, a pint of strawberry, and a pint of chocolate.” The clerk shakes his head and says,”Sir how do you spell the ill in vanilla?” “Well I.L.L.” he replies. “How do you spell the straw in strawberry?” “S.T.R.A.W…” “Now, how do you spell the ******** in chocolate?” “Well there ain’t no ******** in chocola-” “THAT’S WHAT IV’E BEEN TRYIN TO TELL YOU! THERE AINT NO ******** CHOCOLATE!”

6) made by some one ELSE

Things I learned from my kids

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR’s do not eject “PB &J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because: a) For those with no children – this is totally hysterical! b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny. d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control

7) A dog named sex.
Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. He’s a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to city Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like one, too!” Then I said, “But this is for a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was 9 years old.” He winked and said, “You must have been quite a kid.”

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said, “You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don’t care what you do.” I said, “Look, you don’t seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny—I have the same problem.”

One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He said, “Now that cable is all over the place, it’s no big deal anymore.”

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The judge said, “This courtroom isn’t a confessional. Stick to the case, please.” Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said “That’s not unusual. It happens to a lot of people.”

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I told him that I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up Friday.

cool Annoying wedding
I remember every wedding i used to attend there would always be a group of old woman poking me saying “Your next”.

They soon stopped when i said the same to them at Funerals.

9)Blonde's Alligator Shoes

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.

After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."

Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."

10)There were three boys in a classroom: one named Zip, one named d**k, and one named Pea. Their teacher leaves the room for a moment, so Zip gets on top of the cupboard, d**k goes inside the cupboard, and Pee jumps around outside.

The teacher returns and yells, "Zip down, d**k out, and Pea in the corner!"

11)The Blonde Flight Attendant

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

12)Blonde at the Appliance Store

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

14)Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman in a Pub

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!!"