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If I were to give this a title, I would call it.
The Evil & the Good Knight.

==== Uncover understanding====
When we think of knighthood, we generally think of the man in the breastplate armor, on a horse, riding to fight for his beliefs or his country. Or not even wanting to fight at all.
When I think of evil, I decipher is generally as a bad moral. A bad quality a person obtains, or their personality has dragged its scale to damage mine.
When I think of a good person, or "angelic" I prefer to use it as a good moral. The person has good morality and their personality connects with mine so greatly, it is beyond definition and explanation. In fact their near existence makes me uplifted in such things.

=== Now we have some simple understanding I can write all that is on my mind currently. ===

I am currently infatuated with an evil knight, and an good knight. Each quality, their own. The evil knight is filled with sensuality that has stolen my sole beyond description or words that can describe. However, the qualities of this knight, has also instead of bringing me upward in an uplifting way, has dragged me down to rock bottom threw a torch of fire on me and left me to burn for the past several months now. Asphyxiation from the fumes is all I have seen through the fog. It's almost unbearable to think of such thing as a love. The pattern, is that I generally fall deeply for a person who is absolutely and entirely terrible for me. Besides the fact, that I haven't had a good relationship with either of my parents and they don't even know who I am inside. To them, that doesn't matter but what I do as far as career and such that makes me " the better person" not, who I am on the inside. Little to say the least, there is no structure, no state of being and so I am left with nothing but the millions of beads on the sandy beach, searching for that solid common ground. And it's a battle that have been facing for what seems infinity, and so the search continues. While chaos is at hand, I have to come back to reality and to the knight for fear I might drift off to a different cause. I would certainly like to fix the problem with this knight, but the fear of such existence seems idealistic. And when your belief system is torn down by the person closest to you, and they tell you - you have a mind, but you are not capable of intelligence because you will not believe in their beliefs. The intentions have gone wrong, and then when you tell them of what you believe is wrong, the complete denial. As if all words were insanity, but you heard them clearly, just as I see you now. Just as I see the words being typed in front of me clear, sober, comprehensible words.
Nothing makes sense, everything that you do you are taken by offense, and you are not an highly emotional person. So what has become of the evil knight? Is he truly evil or is it a manifestation that you believed to be true? I am atloss with words, perhaps I am not insane for feeling this way, perhaps I am noble.

Then there is the Good Knight.
The good knight is a moral person of justice, and truth. For what I can see, and hopefully my eyes haven't blinded me of sweet gestures of words that tickle from his tongue. I seem to be lost when people become in a state of admiration towards me of any sort, and then I too will be lost in the world they have created for me. I am trying to not let that become of me, and hold my ground. For I have nearly seen it all when it comes to sugar coated sensational words. Words that I fear, due to the apparent superficiality in this world. His life is fascinating, some being is actually enthralled by my writing and I haven't had such a dire interest or intrigued look at in years. Years, four to five years, I say. It's agonizing to think that it has been that long...but fear no longer, due to the fact it has. It has made me think that all writing I have ever done has failed is achievements to be heard. And that is the biggest failure in itself. And the good knight is peculiar, and that's why my curiosity and swimming in places that it shouldn't be, it shouldn't be I tell myself. It's like I am slapping myself, into a state of oblivion. I would hope he would understand, perhaps I am all wrong, perhaps he is being a good friend. I enjoy good friendships, they are quite lovely and less tiring to my mental stability. I need a common ground first....


The problem. I am in love with the evil knight, but not intrigued as much as I am with the good knight. Could they truly suite their names or are they a role reversal? I am so terribly confused at the paths that have just crossed me, and I will be damned for not being able to figure out such a simple thing. It must be simple, why can't I figure out the key to my heart? Or where I put it?

The first thing is first, I need common ground, first I will find that and then I choose my mate, and hopefully by that time it won't be too late.