You’re so vain, I bet you think this song is about you….’ I looped the song on my cd player while clutching a bottle of France’s finest. I think that I am getting over heartbreak the appropriate way – listening to sap and getting pissed out of my tree. At least that is the way that it should be. I don’t want to think about Connor or what he did to me but I do want to pee. I stumble to the bathroom almost tripping over the edge in my carpet that always wants to curl up. I will sort it out when the room stops spinning.
It is really glowing in the bathroom. Oh right, it’s the candles. I was going to take a sudsy bath when Connor called. I had better put them out. Long lasting candles make it through the breakup. I laughed at my silly thought. Good thing I’m practical. I have to pee.
I plop down and do my business. Wee, what a relief. After the first pee, you just know that you haven’t got a chance for the rest of the night. I might as well bring the stereo and bottle of wine in here. I’ll be hugging the old porcelain by morning anyway.
I was supposed to do something next. Now what was it? Oh yeah, the candles. They are all blurry though. I rub my eyes to gain a clearer focus. It doesn’t exactly work.
I can’t believe Connor called me vain. I’m not vain. Just because I like the finer things in life and I don’t like to leave the house without a little gloss. So what if it’s only the laundry? I should look nice all of the time. What if I run into someone I know? You would think that he would be pleased that I made an effort. I don’t want to think about him. A man who breaks up with a lady on the phone is no man at all. I could just hear my mom’s voice bouncing around in my head like a ping-pong ball. I clasped the sides to make it stop.
I grabbed a candle with an unsteady hand. I blew at the flame trying unsuccessfully to extinguish it as my hand kept swaying away from my mouth. I inhaled the sweet smell of lavender and almost choked. Lavender and wine do not go together. I began to feel queasy. I dropped the candle on the floor but was unable to see it as I had put down a towel earlier. I always overfill the tub so I lay the towel down for protection. The mauve of the candle was the same shade as the towel. Oh well, the flare probably went out on the trip down to the floor. I tossed the rest of the candles in the tub that was still filled with water. They floated on top and looked like little purple lily pads. How pretty. I wish I had some green frogs to complete the scene.
I stumbled back to the living room and again almost kissed the carpet. I must get that piece nailed down. Oh yeah, reliable Connor was going to do it. I guess that won’t be happening. I wouldn’t want my vainness to rub off on him. It might ruin him for life. I’ve never been dumped this way. I’ve had the old ‘I want to see other people’, ‘ it’s just not working out’, and of course the old standby, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’. Barf. At least most of this is true. I’d rather be told that he wants to screw other people. Because, isn’t that the truth? And if he does want to screw other people, then it really isn’t working out, now is it? And then it really is him and not me. This, I can accept. ‘You’re too vain,’ I cannot allow.
Is that smoke I smell? It must be Mrs. Winston next door. She can’t cook to save her life. It isn’t any wonder that Mr. Winston passed away after only five years of marriage. She probably poisoned him.
I miss Connor. I know that we only broke up an hour ago but I miss him. He may have a small point but I don’t think that it is a crime to want to look magnificent for those around you. Certainly not something to break up over. You know what they say; you have to love yourself first. Well, that’s what I am doing. I feel sleepy. I think that I will take a nap right here on the floor by the couch.
I’m with Connor in my dream. He loves me again. He is telling me that it’s all right and to breath. To breathe? I cough. My throat is burning. What is wrong? I want to open my eyes but they sting. I hear Connor telling me that I’m okay. When did I stop being vain?
I force my eyes open and it’s not a dream. He’s here and he’s in his fireman’s uniform. He’s thanking God. What’s going on? Oh no, the candles!
Connor is apologizing. He’s sorry. He didn’t realize how much he loved me until now. He is blaming himself? I am elated if not a bit too queasy. I don’t want all these people to see me get sick. Connor gets me a basin and he gently holds my hair back while I wretch. He understands my discomfort. He really does love me.
Connor gets me a second basin just in case I need it. I catch a glimpse of myself in the metallic bottom. I look awful. I fumble at my clothes and search my pockets. There must be a tube of lipstick here somewhere……….
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