Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I'm so ******** sick of this. I hate that my life is so complicated and exhausting. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of wearing a smile when all I want to do is scream. I'm tired of living a lie in front of my parents because of what would happen were they to know the truth about me. I'm tired of seeing people I care about be punished for my decisions..It's happened too many times to just be coincidental.

I hate that the only people I can talk to about ******** ANYTHING are an hour and three hours away, respectively. I hate how alone I feel during the weeks, and how right now I'm literally living for the weekends.
God, the only things that are keeping me going are Sarah and Jeremiah 29:11 (For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.), and I even feel guilty about that. The poor girl has enough going on without being loaded down with MY emotional baggage. Go knows she deserves better than to have that on her head.

I don't like how I feel right now-I'm terrified constantly, and walking on eggshells with my parents in fear of dropping the sexuality bomb. My mom said the other day that she knows me better than anyone, and it took all I had to stop myself from bursting out with "No you don't. No you ******** don't." I'm tired of trying to reconcile who I am with what my church says is "right" or "wrong."

I just want to hibernate. Just forget all this crap and ******** sleep for a couple of months. Live in my dreams for a while. Every day, I have to FORCE myself to get out of bed, and every afternoon I need to fight to turn into the college's parking lot.

But I do get out of bed, and I do go to class. And nobody sees how difficult these things are for me.
Not because they're oblivious, no. I have really astute friends. It's because I'm so good at faking happy and well-adjusted that I even fool myself at times.

And maybe that's it. Maybe happiness is a shared delusion across the human race. Maybe we all lie to ourselves and convince our head that we're happy. Maybe I'm perfectly normal, just like everyone else.

Maybe the inner turmoil I feel right now is common to the whole human race.

Is that the hope I should cling to then? That joy is naught but a lie we tell ourselves? If that's the lie, maybe I don't want to know the truth. Living a delusion doesn't seem so bad. Better than the alternative, anyways.