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Feb. 11th-14th 2008. I had to get it out...... |
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It was a monday afternoon. I was in the middle of completing a project for my biology class when I was called to the attendence office because I was leaving early. I soon found out that my mom was picking me up early. She went and got my pirates of the carribean book bag. She then took me to sonic for ice cream. She almost never does that on a school day.
When we got home, to the house I still live in now, she told me to sit down and instantly I knew something was wrong. Then thats when she said those god awful words that I didnt want to hear. "Hunny, your daddy passed away this morning." Is what she told me. At first there was nothing that I felt then a crushing pain exploded in my chest. I pushed it out of my mind for as long as I could. I didnt want to go back to that pain. I wouldnt believe it. I had forced my self to think that hes still alive. So I wouldnt have to be all depressed around my friends but it was still there like a coiled snake waiting for its opertunity to strike once more. But I succeded. I pushed it out of my mind five minutes after i started to cry out in sorrow....
I stayed home the next day and called my fathers parents to see when the funeral was being held. It was going to be that thursday, Valentines day. I spent tuesday night packing and took the red eye out to California for the funeral. My mother couldnt come with me so I was on my own. I was fine wensday, but thrusday..... Thats an entirely different story. I remember the day vividly.
The funeral was held at 10:30am. I was dressed in a nice outfit for it, mostly black of course. I was chatting with my grandmother, grandfather and some of my daddys best friends. I was fine at that moment. Thats when the limo showed up to take us to the funeral home. I knew I could hold up for a while. But when I got there, I-I couldnt go in there. I couldnt stand at the doors even though I watched my own 7 and 14 year old sisters walk in there so bravely. I looked to my 27 year old cousin who was balling in her husbands arms. Thats when it finally started to dawn on me. He really was gone. He really wasnt going to come rushing to me and crush me in a bear hug. He wasnt going to take me on bike rides anymore. I sat down next to my cousin Tyler in the entrance area then had to get up and actually enter the room where they were having the open casket veiwing session. My Aunt Karren walked towards me becuase I halted in the middle of the isle on the far right side of the room.
"Whats wrong hunn?" She asked me.
"I cant. I-I cant go up there." I started sobbing hard. His casket was a metalic blue, I knew hed like that color. My aunt held me and slowly walked me towards it until I turned and wrapped my arms around her as I felt my chest ripping open slowly as I started to cry hard. I gripped onto her hard wishing that my mother was there. Wishing that she was there for me. I felt another pair of arms wrap around me, It was my 14 year old sister Nicole. I felt my grandmother join our embrace but not really registaring it from all the pain I felt from just standing there. I couldnt take it. I had to get out. I had to go somewhere else. Outside. I broke from everyone and litterally ran outside until I was at the end of the block doubled over balling and clutching myself. A woman with black hair along with a streak of grey wrapped her arms around me tightly. Holding me like my mom did and stroked my head. I felt so at home right there that I let more cries of agony go as I held to the friend of my fathers that he had personally introduced me too the year before.
She soothed me until I was calmed again. My sister was once again by my side. She looked like she was crying aswell. I held onto her still having a feeling to fill that empty black void that I had in the middle of my chest. My sister led me back inside since it was still the family veiwing part. I sat down in the back un able to go any further and my aunt Karren came to sit down next to me. I told her over and overe that I couldnt go up there. I thought she was going to try and make me go up there, but she reassured me that I wouldnt have to. I excused myself so I could go wash my face in the ladies bathroom. But while in there I fell to the ground in a fedal position trying to hold back those sobs of pain, sorrow, anger, and confusion. Whe I had a hold of myself enough to stand back up and rinse my face I did just that looking at myself in the mirror. My long brown hair was perfectly straight but my eyes and cheecks were puffy and red stained with worn tear paths. I patted my face dry and stepped out to see my aunt francis. I couldnt hold it in anymore. I ran to her tears leaking again as I hugged her tightly my tall cousing Mat standing next to us. She told me he had demons and that he was free of them now andd I shouldnt feel angry or sad that he did what he did. Oh she was wrong. I had every right. He left me all alone in this ******** world because he couldnt tuff it out. I just nodded and let her lead me back inside so I could say hello to my other family members and the mothers of my two sisters.
It turns out that I was the loudest one in the entire thing. For the entire viewing period. I was louder than Dawn, the mother of my 7, now 8, year old sister Takara. And she was the one that found him. Hanging from a tree in his own back yard.... But at the last ten minutes of the viewing I had Takara hold my hand and take me up there to give my final good bye. Oh god how it was hard to walk up to that casket without breaking down into a sobbing mess infront of everyone that was packed into the room since my father had made friends with almost everyone in town. I leaned down and kissed his cold forehead and let a tear fall. I didnt want to say good bye to him but I knew I had to or Id never get the chance to again. He looked so peaceful, almost like he was sleeping, like he could jump up and say "Ha! I got you all!" That would be so like him. But no matter how much I wished him to do that, he didnt. He was gone. He had left me. And It was so hard to push all that pain I felt right there on the way back to my seat hearing people whisper "Did she just kiss him?" As if it was a crime. I dont give a s**t what you think is right or wrong. He was still my ******** father even though his body was a corpse. I didnt care. I had to.
The rest of that after noon I was impossibly happy. It became infectious to everyone around me that we tried to make it go back to normal but still that cloud of disaster and broken hearts still wieghed heavy over my grandmothers house where she was holding the funeral dinner. I gained about 20 pounds that weekend. But i also lost it quickly.
Lately alot of people ask me how I feel about my dads death. This is what I think.
WHY THE HELL DID HE LEAVE ME?! I SERIOUSLY WANT TO KNOW WHY!!!! He crushed my world so bad that Ive changed seriously.... I used to be such a good girl. I got decent test grades, never skipped a class, listened (somewhat) to my mother. But now Im sneaking out of the house, ignoring my mother who was supposed to be there for me, and best part is. I CANT TAKE IT!!! I HAVE BROKEN DOWN TWICE THIS MONTH!!!! FEBUARY SUCKS!!! I wish that I could just go to sleep the day before febuary 1st and not wake up til march 1st.........
Well Now you know. So you have any comments on it. Feel free. I wont delete any comments no matter what you put in them. Because there is one thing I know you will never know. How it feels to loose your father at age 15.
I miss and love you Daddy. So much.......
 Nox Ibis · Sun Mar 01, 2009 @ 05:47am · 1 Comments |
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