Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I once again find myself looking back to the past. I fine myself once again dwelling it. I find Jessica once again telling me to stop.
I can't help it, though; it just doesn't make sense to me. These things happen, and they're obviously for a reason, and I'd just like to know what that reason is. I do know, of course, that if I don't know, that is also for a reason, but I don't care; I still want to know. I feel so limited not knowing.
Am I so used to knowing everything?

But then Jessica said "I had a dream," and she told me about it, and it was meant for me to look back to the past, and it was almost as if it was meant to make me dwell. And I did. Tears had not made their way to my eyes that quickly in such a long time.
In the dream, she said I was talking to Abigail again. And that we got along great. And that we got back together. And she explain how it made so much sense to her, and how she thinks that, in time, it could happen. And I just wanted to cry because I felt it would never happen, because things are so different now. And then she said that maybe that's the point.
She said that maybe we needed this time to grow up, to mature, to understand things better. To look at things differently, so that maybe we could actually have a better relationship than the one that failed.

Doubtful. Very doubtful.

But that just made me think. I hate thinking about a time where my music, my inspiration, and my happiness were all there. I hate thinking about not knowing I had it at the time. I hate thinking about how much I want it back.

I am gay only because after Abigail, I was never attracted to another girl again. I don't know how it happened; it just did. I am told that something that strong happens for a reason. But is that reason because I am meant for another boy, or because I am supposed to be with her?