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Well, things are a mess for me right now. An utter one. It's grotesque web like appendages wrapped up together into a web of misery. Life has walked up to me, plopped down this ridiculous mess in my lap, and muttered condescendingly "enjoy"
Haven't noticed? Well, If I fail at anything but hiding how I really feel. Teenager angst is my ultimate company I wish would leave but always seems to stay for just a little longer... craving my undivided attention.

Well you didn't come here to listen to that, did you now?
Anyways, self awareness....
I'm so different and I know it
biggrin
I listen to different music, gained new friends (lost some but I don't care.), wear different clothes, just a different persona.
Mind you, this was over a year and a half.

I finally realized why should I care what people thought of me? When I was shy, people only thought of me breifly and quickly forgotten. To be forgotten? I didn't want that to be the fate of me.

So at this point you are probably thinking 'Ohothere Ashleigh! Where'd this come from? Your pondering thoughts!' I guess, my difficulties lately made me reflect. Reflect on last year, this year. How I am.

Anyways, I did what I wanted and I did not care. One. Single. Bit. I became more outgoing. I overcame what I once so feared for so long.
But there is one thing I couldn't shake of me, no matter how hard I tried. It clings to me, leeching off my supply of newfound confidence. It is my self consiousness. Always thinking of me never good enough, never pretty enough, or I'm just a failure all together.
I'm told everyday I think too much.

I, like most people, never really truly know myself. I'm forever changing, like moon phases. I understand my quirks and stuff like that. But really, go deep inside and find out.
I'm predictable but not, at the same time. I've been told I through people around curves. I'm not a depressive person. I'm one of the happiest people I know. Always having the ideal, that nothing in highschool is too huge that won't be fixed tomorrow.

If I can't fix my own day, why not fix someone elses by smiling or giving a hug? Or simply saying 'Hi?' I can't accomplish much, but I can do that.
I have my days, wouldn't I like that? Good thing I have caring friends.
^-^

I can be shy. Deadly shy sometimes. Specially if I like someone. I do, anways. If you wanted to know. I can't be myself, which is a giant no- no to me. If you can't be yourself, what are you? I've getting better recently. Like seriously, as recent as a few days ago. It has been all year. He gives me butterflies everyday. I love/hate butterflies. Butterflies are exhilerating. They make me feel airy and weightless. The feeling you get when you skip a step, the jolt in your stomach. It is the best thing ever.
I hate them because you know when I'm nervous. I tremor, as If I were cold. I only get them on the days he happens to ask me a question or I have to present a project.

The only person I care what he thinks of me. I plan to tell him, before I move. My friends say I'm stupid for doing so, if he liked me back. Which I doubt severely. I am nothing more than a passing person, to be doomed to be part of the daily masses to him. A girl in his class that is always silent.

Well how can I transtition to an ending? Another one of my faults, huh?