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August 9, 2008 - Saturday

So This is How it Goes?!
Current mood: irritated
Category: Friends
In a refrence to 'some people'. Thank you.

You know, things have changed a lot, whether we all want it too or not. I just practically lost three of my closest friends, one being the person I love! Aftaer school starts, how much am I going to be able to see them? Not very ******** much! But I'm still being hopeful, at least we're not spliting apart. I'll be happy with the friends I still have and the new ones I'll make, but I won't leave my old ones. We can make this work. I also feel slgihtly happy/slightly jealous that those three get to stay together. Hell, I would feel almost jealous of anybody whose getting to be with Kitty almost every day while I have to sit at a different school and only imagine what she's doing and think of how I can't even HUG her anymore cause I never get to see her! And I thought ******** weekends were a long time to be apart! Anyways, I have my down sides but I'm trying to make the most of it.

The problem is, 'people'. It's summer, I've been pretty busy. I was at Kim's, When I'm at home my papa always has me leave with him somewhere, Then I'm at my mom's, Then FINALLY when I'm back home it hasn't even been a ful day yet and I'm being hated for somethign that isn't my fault!

I'm SO sorry that my parents don't like me on the phone when I'm with them cause it's rude, and I'm SO sorry that I'm trying to only use my phone on weekends or after 9 cause of my limited minutes! And I'm absolutely ******** sorry that it makes me feel akward when people call or I call someone and have nothing to t alk about so we just sit there!!! When it's summer, and I'm pretty much alone, anything that I might actucally have to talk about is about me! And that's not selfish! That's the ******** wrong word! The word you want is concided! (sp?) Get a dictionary! Just cause I don't call you every day or every other day doesn't mean I'm acting badly, I'm either busy, don't have the time to call, or don't have a reason to call.

I haven't called anybody in who knows how long! People have been having to call me! and even then, it's to actucally TALK about something, we don't really have to ask how the other is doing cause we're close friends, we'll tell without asking. Though we do ask occasionally. But I mean come on! Are you willing to throw away 2 years of friendship because of something so stupid?! If you felt that way then you should have CALLED. Told me you felt like I wasn't acting like a good friend or whatever and I would have made more effort to call you more often! I never knew there was anything going wrong! I was sidetracked by the three of my closest friends leaving!!!!!

I'm not posting this to be mean, or to yell, but I can't hold it in. If I'm being mean, tell me, go ahead. Maybe I am, but I'm not trying to. I just have to let it out. I'd like to still be friends but if you want to act all... up tight then I guess your throwing it all away.

So to you 'people', calm down and think about how your acting and what your saying!


April 28, 2008 - Monday

Teardrops on My Heart
Current mood: blessed
Category: Life

So when me and Kitty were going through our breakup I got the lyrics from teh song 'Teardrops on My Guitar' by Taylor Swift and changed them a little to fit my needs. Well, here it is:


She looks at me, I fake a smile so she won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet they don't even know, what she's really about
And they've got everything that I have to live without

She talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when she's with me
She says she was so in love, but she's finally got it right,
I wonder if she knows she's all I think about at night

She's the reason for the teardrops on my heart
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
She's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

She walks by me, can she tell that I can't breathe?
And there she goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
They'd better hold her tight, give her all their love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know their lucky cause

She's the reason for the teardrops on my heart
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
She's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

So I go home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put her picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

She's the reason for the teardrops on my heart
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
She's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
She's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And she's all that I need to fall into..

She looks at me, I fake a smile so she won't see.


April 17, 2008 - Thursday

Kitty
Current mood: tired
Category: Life
Wow.. mornings... =)
God i really needed that...
I love her so much... and now it makes me think a lot
part of me had thought i'd never feel her touch again, that i'd never kiss her again
i reread her blog and thought about how she said she'd come back for me and it would just be the two of us, to just wait. she was right. she did come back, and now it's just the two of us, no one else. =)
and man... haha, i feel like seme ^^
and i wanted to say it, but i guess i just got caught up....
then she took back seme >.>
lol, plus her brother has REALLY bad timing >.<
though i am happy, i love her, and i have a B-Day present planned!
but things seem to be looking up and im really happy about it....
I Love You Kitty!!!


March 12, 2008 - Wednesday

Truth...
Current mood: indescribable
Category: Life
Wow...life hs taken and...interesting....turn. To think that people my age have to go through so much. I don’t like it, but yet again, it does prepare us for the future. Still the pain that a lot of us have to go through. When Kitty told me that pretty much a few her family know about us and are pestering her to make the right choice hurts. I don’t want he r to go through that kind of situation. But I knew it’d come sooner or later. She’s gonna have to stand up for whatever she really wants. If she doesn’t choose me I’ll understand, I may not like her desicion but I’ll still support her and I’ll always love her. It’s just hard to think of all this. I don’t like how her dad always yells at her and calls her worthless and that she’s a messup. I know it hurts her and it hurts me just thinking of someone saying that stuff to her especially her dad.She’ll have to stand up to him one day. I know it’s gotta be hard but she has to take the chance if she wants to control her own life. I’d gladly be right beside her if she wanted me to be. If she didn’t want me to speak I’d be there for support, if she didn’t care I’d help out and even fight back when nessicary. I love her and want to see her happy even if I’m not. I hate that life threatens to take so much from everyone. It seems the closer to the uture we get the harder things get and the more you just want to let go. I know exactly how it will feel to have Kitty taken from me or to have her leave and I never want to go through it again. I’ve almost lost her twice and I refuse to let it happen again. It hurts, a LOT. Sometimes I even think, if life ever gets out of hand and we can’t control it, why not just run away together? And not only me and Kitty, but maybe even Angel and KK too. It would be hard but if we can go to college and get good jobs we can just live together and be happy. At least we’d be together and that’s all that matters. I don’t know but life has taken a lot of wild turns. Sometimes it seems to go too fast and other times way too slow. I hold onto Kevin, the bear, notes, the ring, anything that Kitty gave me because if she ever has to leave, that’s all I have of her. I won’t ever be able to just call if I felt like it, see her at school, hear her voice whitch I love so much. I won’t get to lay on my bed and smell her scent on my blanket after she’s left and be so careful of the spot until the scent fades because her smell is so special when she’s not there. I need to wash Kevin but he hold so many tears of mine that he’s dried. I fear the summer very much. Who knows whats going to happen. Kitty may not go to highschool, I won’t get to see everyone on a regular bases anymore, and I’ll be seperated for a long time. I don’t want that. I’m scared to ever let go. I want to hold on forever. But the problem is I can’t hold onto everybody at the same time. A lot of people around me are finding out about al this. That I love Kity, that i’ve been sad. I used to be able to hide it so well. I remember on a Sunday I was flipping out. I don’t really remember it but I do know that the reason I was yelling and kicking and hitting was because I refused to stop fighting until I herd Kitty’s voice. I needed to hear her voice so bad that I hurt myself and a few others around me. I felt terrible but sometimes I just need her. I don’t like feeling like she’s being taken away. For everyone life just seems to get harder and it effects everyone....when will it ever end? When can we all have no worries and just be together and be happy?


March 8, 2008 - Saturday

What does the future bring...but tears that can only sting
Current mood:hurt...sad...im crying....
Category: Life
Wow...I seriously don't know what to do anymore =(
Kitty said I was her light...but I'm fading...It gets harder and harder every day to be as happy as I normally am. I don't like hurting people because of it. I think about the future too much. It hurts. And I can't think of the good things, but only the bad, the worst. I cry a lot now. And...I just want someone to hold me....I need a hug....but no ones ever around....and I never allow myself to get emotional around people.
Kitty was saying that no one needs her. I told her that I did...i need her. But she just said that i don't, were young....it hurt...a lot... like she was saying she didn't love me or that i didnt love her. But i DO need her. And she was talking about the future and how she's probably gonna end up leaving us, or were gonna leave her... and pretty much that she only has two months with us left...I can't take it... It's just too much pain. I don't want her to see me sad, or know im crying, but.... she's the ponly one who can help me stop.
Now I think of highschool....what might happen...happy thoughts make me sad cause i know theres a chance they'll end....the future scares me...life just....hurts... I don't know what to do. I've no more words of comfort. I tried to tell her that we can opnly try to not let that happen. She said she'll try to make sure we at least stay friends....then i started thinking...
i felt like she pretty much ment that we...us...would end....i dont want that...i can't live with that...
I'm in so much pain and I don't know how to end it! I just want it all to go away! I hate this! I want her so bad! I need her! I don't want anyone to leave....i want to keep them all...especially her...especially Kitty....i love her....i DO need her.... what do i do....the crying hurts...and its coming more often now...


February 25, 2008 - Monday

Scared...
Current mood: sick
Category: Life
Wow...Well...first of all. Today turned out JUST as I though..I wasn't myself, it went horrible, AND I was sick and almost threw up a few times...still holding back. But I'm trying to be strong right now. *sigh* anyways...scared....

Well. I've been thinking a lot lately. About life, the furture, the past. Stuff like that. And when I got home the other day, as soon as I was alone in my room I laid down cause I was tired and out of no where I just started crying. I couldn't help it, the thoughts just kept coming back and I'd only cry harder. I txt Kitty asking why life had to hurt so much. She said she didn't know and I told her that i hated it. Wen she asked why I told her cause it hurts so much and I couldn't take it anymore. Well, I can't. I'm sick of this hurting. It never goes away. The pain is just too much.
I'm scared...a lot...I've almost lost Kitty twice before. It hurts like s**t. And it scares me more then ever. I don't want to lose her. But i can't stop thinking that there's a chance I probably will. We say we'll do everything in our power to keep us together. But think about it. How much power do we really have? We'd have to stand up to almost everyone just to keep us close. I know I'd do it, but...still. I'm scared I might lose her to someone else, that someone will take her from me. I don't want her to movein with that guy, I don't like her job, I'm starting to not even like life. The only reason I even want to stay is becasue I have her. But what if I lose her? I won't know what to do. If she doesn't go to highschool...I'll slowly go insane. You may think I'm being extreme but I'm not. I love her more then anything! She's my world and I cry just thinking that she might have to move away, or that she'll just say 'i dont love you' out of no where. If she ever did have to move...i don't know ho I'd react. i know I'd be crying, I'd want to spend any and every moment I could with her. I'd watch her drive away, and I'd probably standthere crying, or sit down just staring at the direction she left.
I'm crying right now. But I can't help it. Something always gets in the way. I'm not ready to lsoe her, i'll never be ready. but what can I do? It hurts thinking that she might end up leavinhg somehow. I don't want her to be just a happy memory of my past. I want her to be a part of my life, to be my life and to stay in it.Without her I have nothing. Part of me will be gone. She's the one that I love. But what do I do? I'm ready to stand up to anyone if it means keeping her, but I'd need her to be with me, to support me, to do it with me. I can't stand alone.
I don't know what to do anymore. Al i want is her. But how do I keep her in my life when life is changing so fast?


January 20, 2008 - Sunday

Better...Worse...Better...Worse... When Will It Stop?!
Current mood:*sigh* No mood can explain mine right now
*sigh*
I'm not sad... but not happy... I was happy...
But there are always things to be sad about. Like i always say, once thigns get better...they get worse....
Well... when things get/got better I told myself 'They'll stay better. The day they get worse is when we all die...' To keep an upside look... but that didn't work. I don't control the world and I don't want to. I only want to live the best I can... ifthat mean things I don't want, then so be it. So do I go with the flow? Do whatever happens and live off of it... or turn from the bad and only go for the good? Because the good and bad are mixed in my case...

So what should i do? Whe nI wait things go wrong because I didn't do anything... but when I think i've the answer and try to fix it... things go wrong still.... I don't know how to react to anything anymore...

I don't want to go to school... I don't want to cry...I don't want to tell anyone anything.... and I don't want things to change... not anymore... So what do I do?


January 18, 2008 - Friday

Hey... *yawn* I’ll Explain
Current mood: happy
Category: Life
Well.... I'm not going to go into detail since Angel knows most and KK knows the outline. I'm going to tell some stuff but I need to blog this. First it started in 5th period... thats when I felt like crying cause things started to heat up. When we got into lunch i was crying just a little but i was able to control it enough. That's when the yelling started.....
But.... I never thought even trying to let her go would be so hard =(. It hurt like s**t... Just after the very first txt saying it i started crying for real.. And it takes a lot to make me cry in front of people for real. Andhalf way through my uneatten lunch I was trying to hide my face so no one would see me cry. I was literally killing kevin cause I was squeezeing him so hard. Gabby was asking whats wrong but didn't press anything and just sat with me. KK tried making me laugh, and Taty barely noticed I was crying at the end. Well Gabby got me up snce I didn't hear the bell. I pretty much walked to class alone. Til Flora came. She started talking then noticed I was crying and instantly hugged me. I REALLY needed that! She walked me to Mr. Bell's and told people to stop asking what was wrong. I was like practically holding onto her so I didn't fall. I needed the hug badly but still.... it wasn't who I wanted. Though she was close enough I guess.
Anyways I never went into Nr. Bell's. I refused to tell him anything (but I think he got the idea that someone molested me >.> wink so he sent me up to the Councilling office. Flora had to take me and he called someone just to make sure I would go since I didn't want to.
I couldn't stop crying! Man, I've never felt so hurt or weak. And I've NEVER cried in front of people like that. I mean just friends is one thing, but like.... *sigh* Anyways. I sat in the office until I could calm down enough to see the counciler. She thought someone was in imidiate danger >.> Well I didn't tell her anything. And by that time I had gotten the Txt were Kitty had chosen me.... I felt worse... I was thinking of what Kitty was doing. How did I make her feel? I felt bad thinking I made Kitty feel bad. I sat in there for all 6th period. I barely said anything but she would ask and I would answer yes or no. I told her a little but I didn't want to tell much. All she really knows is that something is goign on between me and Kitty and i felt like i was about to lose her.
Then she asked me towards the end what my greatest fear was...... I didn't answer at first. I know what it is but... She waited and finally I said "Losing her" she asked as a friend or more then a friend. I told her in general. I don't care. Just losing her. I'm scared of it.
And now I have to go back next week >.> she said 'Bring a friend or Kitty if you want" ... Yeah..... I don't wanta tell her more and I don't wanta drag people into this. But KK since you want out of 6th period i might on tues or wed.
Well I feel much better now. I found out the truth and got home (at ******** 5!!!) and got to sleep for like half an hour to an hour.... I'm happier... Not going to do what I orrigionally planned to do.... Well maybe some other time. But not now. =) But yup. Thats pretty much what happened! I still can't believe how hard I cried in front of people.... =/ I guess trying to let go of Kitty was harder then I thought it would be. But I'm glad I don't have to anymore.


December 23, 2007 - Sunday

Help....
Current mood: sad
Life...right now it sucks more then ever. My wrist is hurting and won't stop. i can'teven pick up a bag without it hurting. Plus I'm having a hard time. I'm not goign back to school for 2 weeks and right now is hen I need my friends the most. What do you do when you feel that your being hurt? And you think that one of the peopl you love is the one hurting you? You want to tell them but your scared. You want to know the truth but you think the truth might hurt. So even lies hurt. I'm so confused but I'm scared to do anything. I feel so hurt, I've cried many times in the past two days. I even wanted to cry at a party I went to the other day. I had times where I wanted to leave cause I was too sad. Friends try to help, but they try and make me feels better too much. I want the truth, but I'm afraid of what it is. I don't know anymore. I need help. I need to know what's going on.