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Things can never go back to the way they were. It's been a year since I was diagnosed with clinical depression, and maybe I'm just being irrational right now, but I feel like my life is closer to hell than it has ever been. Little things have always been happening. Things nipping at my heels; for the most part I can just ignore it. But pile on a million of these "little" things, and I swear, if I wasn't such a coward, I could kill myself.

After 5 years of a divorce, my parents still fight over money. Everyone in the family has taken a side, and since I'm in the middle, I get to be the one who's screwed. They want me to spend time with only the person they believe. "Don't go visit your dad, with your mother at work she hardly ever sees you." "You don't see your father enough." "You know, you're old enough to make your own decisions. You can choose where you want to live." It's lately been getting worse and worse. Even my parents, who have tried not to say anything like this, are leaving "semi-irate" messages to each other about me. You'd think I could use school and my friends to get away from all the s**t that's happening at home, but it's just worst. I've failed half of my classes this quarter: Physics, APUSH, Directing, and probably English and Latin. And the one teacher, the woman I respect the most in the entire school, is, to put it lightly, disappointed in me. Ever since the first day this year I've been making "freshman mistakes." She's always said I have so much potential, if only I could buckle down and focus, so she wouldn't have to fuss at me (again, her own words). Failing her class is worse for me than any of my other ones, because I feel like I've failed her. And I get to be home all day listening to bill collectors leaving messages every ******** minutes on the phone. I also can't help but feel like my friends are abandoning me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong... okay, I do, but I don't see what's so wrong with it. I've got a girlfriend, a freshman, and everyone seems to think I spend more time with her friends than I do them. I've tried very hard to bring her with me in the morning and during lunch, the only time I get to see these people. Still, it doesn't seem to matter. I feel like, one by one, I'm slowly losing the people I truly care about. This, though, takes the cake:

Then there's Bryan. He has pissed me off so much lately. I don't want to hug you, you annoying b*****d. You've separated yourself from us! And where the HELL do you get off grabbing my wrist like you did this afternoon, trrying to force me to hug you. You have been such a dumbass lately, and I'm not afraid to tell you, unlike Karen and Rissia. You have been one ******** up SoB lately. You need to get your ******** act together and stop worrying about girls. So here's my attitude: I'm not doing you anymore god damn favors. You've screwed yourself over. I don't want you hovering over me when I'm trying to work and assuming you know everything about me. ******** YOU! I'm over us now. All of a sudden, I don't care about you. You act so creepy all the time, and I'm tired of having to look after you. So you know what? ******** it... I'm over it...

I'm so distraught. I don't know what to do. This girl isn't my best friend. She's like a sister to me. We were never going out, but I truly loved her. This time last year, we could talk about anything. We were always there for each other. Now, things have all changed. Yes, I know I tried to hug her and she was practically running away from me. I thought she was playing around, or on her period, or something. She posted this on her blog Dec. 7, and I'd like to think things have improved since then, but I honestly don't know anymore. I could get into a screaming match with her, defend myself and say that I've never asked her to look after me, I don't ask her to do me that many favors. If I miss school one day, I ask her what we did in our classes. I'll ask for the notes she took. I ask how I did on a particular scene. I never assume I know everything about her. And "stop worrying about girls." I've got a girlfriend who isn't part of our group, and that automatically outcasts me? This seems to reinforce that belief. I can't help but think that if I never had gone out with my last girlfriend, this wouldn't be happening. I thought that my friends would be happy for me, that I've found someone to make me happy so I don't have to b***h about how sucky my life is going right now. She's one of the few people who also could, but now if she can't be happy for me, then ******** her...

That is the hardest thing I've ever had to say. This girl means so much to me, our relationship means so much to me, but if she's now only being curteous, then she can stop faking it. If she doesn't want me to touch her, fine, I won't touch her. If she doesn't want to talk to me, fine, I won't talk to her. All she has to do is tell me and I'll stop bothering her altogether...







You told me once, dear
You really loved me
And no one else could come between
But now you've left me
And love another
You have shattered all my dreams;

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.