Should I let myself be consumed by hate? Will I ever be same again? Everything is so messed up, and I wonder if I can fix things up. I know I have been stupid and acted in such an immature way of dealing my problems, but I don't think I can change the fact that I am impulsive and lets my emotion control me. Why the hell did I explode at the sight of that wicked woman? Is it because I am also like her, who has something hidden deep inside. I don't know what that something is, but I have the feeling that it is 'hate'. Hate for all. The world, the people around me, and most especially myself. I'm afraid that someday I will be like her - demented, aggressive, and will do anything to get what she wants. My head hurts just by thinking about how ridiculous and stupid it sounds, but that small possibility bothers me. No, it frightens me. In some aspects, I am slowly becoming her. I fear that I will be hated by my loveones, outcasted by my friends and the community, and most of all hating myself for it. When that day comes, I can only hope that I don't care anymore about losing anything, even my sanity. It will be better, I think, if mama and papa will decide to put me in an institution for the mentally ill, or in an asylum when that day comes. I don't want to be a luggage for them. I've seen enough from my crazed aunt. I don't think I will be able to handle it if the same thing will happen with me and my mom.
---
Anyways, do you think it's weird I'm writing something stupid about my problems here? I do, but I think Gaia has been my outlet for several years now.... And it helps a lot to pour my feelings down into writing. Now, I just realized I feel like something has been lifted off my chest... It feels F*CKING GREAT!
View User's Journal
 |
