|
Keep Getting Up!
Why do I keep getting my hopes up for things that will never be? It doesn't matter how many times I reason with myself about what feelings I should be having and how to make them logically sound. I got to know someone... Even though our relationship wasn't fully mature, I felt like I could trust it. Even at that, I still held back in hesitation. And somehow, with the passage of time and exchange of conversation over the course of a month, began to gradually let my defenses down. I'm so weary of these obstacles, challenges, and disappointments. I keep getting up and I don't know why. I keep looking forward and rationalizing why it's sensical to discard my feelings of pain and convince myself that I've coped with them enough that I can move on with the rest of my life. I keep spending so much time in this hesitant limbo of indecision from lack of information from the other person and assumptions about what they won't tell me. I keep getting up. I keep believing with all my being that the next time will be different. I keep trying to stay strong and pretend that it doesn't hurt and that I don't feel this hollowing pain. I don't like to think about the assumptions made about where my mistakes were or what that implies about me as a person. All we know is what exists in our world at that time... and right now my throat hurts from choking back what I believe might be tears. I don't think these strong feelings of upset are even directly related to this specific incident. It's a culmination of events in my life. I always get back up. I am strong enough to do that. If there's one thing that has been consistent in my life, it's that I keep getting up. At this moment, I just don't understand why.
|
