A lot runs through a persons mind at any given moment and a few times the person needs a place to put it all down. Some things may seem unfair others may seem like a blessing at this moment I'd have to say mine falls in between.
I've been manic depressant since the age of twelve and over the years its only become steadily harder to bring myself to smile. I've found ways to bring smiles into my life but unfortunately those ways are so unsteady and often only cause the frown to grow deeper with each attempt. Those methods were what I convinced myself to be "Soul Searching" Looking for that princess to bring into my life and become happier by merely being around her.
Only one women did it ever truly become that way and the war changed her. She turned from the angelic figure to something heartless and painful to just speak to. So with that final twist in that aspect of my life I gave in and felt that I no longer needed someone to love me. I did something many of the Wiccan faith would consider stupid or irresponsible.
I won't lie that it was a bad move on the ethical sense but desperation makes us all do crazy things. I cast a spell but not on the usually targets. I did it on myself! Since I couldn't get over her and every waking moment I wanted to die from the pain she set within me I cast a spell to literally carve her from my heart. With it went every ounce of pain from my childhood and the very void that caused me to feel like I needed to be loved. Even without the source that began my downward spiral I still am depressed however...
I thought for the longest time it had been the void that sent me into this hell of an existence. I've thought about going to a psychiatrist about my problems but the truth about medications is beyond blissful. Medications are merely aesthetic! They cause the body to smile yet leaving the mind to rot in depression. The suicide notice on the bottles say it all. You look in the mirror to see the smile yet on the inside you begin to resent yourself for putting such a front of a lie that it kills you on the inside and eventually you cause it to happen on the outside.
So with that in mind I decided to fight it. I play games to escape my problems in life and to take up a new life as someone important in someones lives compared to how on the inside I always feel as though the world were better off without me. I know the truth about how everyone wouldn't be better off but on the inside its harder to convince then just seeing the truth. I know I'm loved by many people...I've made thousands of friends in the past and even more coming in the future.
Perhaps the pent up tears from the past is what is keeping me so drowned in sorrow. That is one thing that has always bothered me was my inability to cry ever since my vow to one of my ex's when I had been with them. They said that I had been too sensative and told me I needed to toughen up. So I started with the first thing that came to mind. I swore to her that I'd never cry again...Its been broken only three times since it had been first sworn. I made that promise when I was sixteen years old. I'm 22 now... To have cried only but thrice in that period of time is bound to have negative repricussions.
On another note my father had been beaten senseless a short while ago and ever since has gone through being in the hospital to going to court several times. His gun is still at large and there is good news in that matter however. The men whom did it have been convicted for the crimes they had commited. Unfortunately I find their sentencing a bit light for such matters... They beat down an old man with his own gun, stole the gun, robbed his cab, and left him to bleed to death on the concrete parking lot. How is all that ONLY worth 15 years maximum!?! That is like running up and beating the tar out of a child and leaving them to die as a bloody mess at an elementary school play ground! Old people are just as frail... If the world remains this unjust I might end up going black instead of sticking to the lighter path. The inferno awaits my coming anyways...
My bedroom is being renovated finally. The holes in the walls and ceilings are gonna get filled and the walls are already getting painted a beige. Perhaps a lighter tone to my surroundings will help me think more positively. Room is going to be rearranged soon and for that day or two I won't be able to get online because my desk will be in pieces about the room. It'll be nice though.. My room will finally be able to hold the heat into it and I won't have to worry about the insulation falling from my ceiling onto my desk anymore.
A while ago an ex friend of mine in a rather rude and uncalled for manor broke out the small block that kept me thinking about the past with Ed when I was twelve and made me realize that no matter how hard I try to see things..I won't ever see them without that bulldozer every once in a while. I had a question racking my mind ever since I was twelve and she found the answer to it in a matter of seconds while doing her usual emotional beat down on me that she so enjoyed doing...That women was a Psycho but at least the time speaking with her helped.
My sister has had this stupid obsession with trying to bring the family to court and I found out after coming home yesterday that some strange guy had come to the house sent by her looking for me. He seemed like a dope head in my family's eyes but eh.. I think she tried to use him to bring me to court over the non sense drama that she likes to stir up!
If my sister's nonsense isn't bad enough my brother has made a change...For the worse! He's taken a hostile stance towards everyone and everything. His only goal is getting his car on the road and everyone whom he involves himself with gets a massive attitude and shot glares as if they should die where they stand. Personally I think the man is having withdraws from getting laid. The man seems to act like its the best thing in the world and that you don't know what you're missing if you aren't making it with someone every waking moment of your life... Its almost sickening how I could have blood relation to someone like him...
Slowly but surely I've begun to take the spell casting thing more seriously. If I had been able to create one miraculously strong spell that had such a global effect then surely I could bring such miracles into others lives with them too. Maybe one day I'll have done enough good to finally gather enough good karma to have my happily ever after. Corny..I know..But hey..When your entire life has been nothing but one bad thing after another... You learn to beg for it to end and something good to come into your life before you die. sweatdrop
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Diary of Yet Another Crazy Person.
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Slayer_of_hope
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