It is a difficult and interesting process for me to put feelings into cohesive thoughts. Words never seem adequate enough to properly express what is bubbling up inside.
I am inconstant. I am awkward. And lately..I am alone.
I feel like I have lost much to gain the person that sits here, typing out this soliloquy of sorts.
"People will let you down."
I've heard this line being used by most people, generally when sadness begins to overwhelm the heart, or when someone has not 'come through' for them. It's easy to generalize any behavior or action to the whole human race but even an idiot will tell you that it is wrong to do that. When one person lets you down someone else will ultimately come through for you.
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
I have been naive for a very long time.
You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.
I feel as if I am one of those generalizing sheep in this moment. My heart in this instant in time, feels likes it's awkwardly, sluggishly limping along, metaphorically speaking of course.
I have been let down, but I know things will get better. But I do not believe this will happen because of other people.
I have lost my best friend.
I have lost my boyfriend.
I have lost my home.
I have lost...my sense of self, my passion and my drive.
I will not however, allow myself to stop struggling to find these things. It's time for me to love myself, and not let anything hold me back. I feel isolated from the familiarity life once provided.
I am in the situation I am in because of the decisions I have made, and the only thing to do now is to stride forward into the future with my head held high despite the frantic beating of my heart. I will work past this desperation and hurt. I will move on.
I am doing what is best for me. I will stop doing what I want, and start doing what I need.
Eventually, things will settle, and my heart will remember it can't actually break, and I will be able to smile and breathe easy once more.
Loiish Community Member 
|
|
