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So I was just typing about how stupid my life is. I was self pitying myself because I cannot keep any friends. And it got all deleted. LOL even God says that it was pathetic to type up my life’s bullshit. So instead of trying to tell my pathetic boring life story of my sad short friendships, I will simply say it. I have never had a friend for more than seven years. I am a nineteen year old college student. Today I just said goodbye to one of my friend that have been together for five years. Maybe because I am use to friends leaving, saying they will always be there but end up leaving, but when he said we should no longer be friends I was mixed with laughter and this feeling like I should cry but did not want to. Normally this would not bother me but I guess because of that dream, of an old friend not even remembering our friendship I feel a bit lonely. I have had many friendships and they have all shaped who I am today. But none of them, that have ended, do I treasure. The one who said goodbye today was my first everything, love, kiss, sex. I gave it all to him and he gave me nothing but half hearted answer how he loved me and treasure me but I could not claim him as my own. Soon I got over my love and say a good friend but I hurt him to much with my friendship so he broke it off. He once told me he would do anything from keeping us apart, how I was one of the few people who understood him, so I let him decide if our friendship should continue and he said goodbye. And I laugh and I cry but I was not sad. I wished I was sad, and then I would not feel so empty. Or maybe I do feel sad and that why I am typing this pathetic stream of words. I can’t tell since this is how I always feel. Still I will get over it I always do. I changed because of him. I know more about myself because of him. I gain some confidence because of him, and I am a little relieved our friendship is over. There is another friendship that is coming to end though. My friend who has been with me for seven years now, someone who I have almost taken off my mask of protection. When she leaves, will I fill the same as I so know or will I feel real loneliness like I did when my grandmother passed away? I wonder.