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So of late I've been searching hard after what could possibly be my spiritual gift. I've been a Christian for ... two years? A year and a couple of months? Anyway, I've pretty much been thinking about it since our youth leader gave a message on it a couple of months ago. And then that night a leader plastered me with questions about what I think my gift is. At the time, I didn't know. Several months later, I really don't know. But I think I'm close on the trail. It seems like the Lord is putting more situations into my life that point towards using my gift.

So I think I've almost got it.
Are you ready?

Now I'm not sure if this is considered a spiritual gift or just a character trait, but anyway. I think my gift is ... compassion. Yes, compassion, one of the things that I have the hardest time with. Which makes me believe even more that it's a spiritual gift, because someone told me that the spiritual gift is usually something that one has the most trouble doing.

So there it is. Now on to the antithesis of compassion: apathy. Hoboy, do I have a problem with this. Basically, the third part of the song "Heart Still Beats" by Brave Saint Saturn sums it up nicely. For those who don't know the song, it goes a little something like this:

The thought it comes to my mind, to somehow intervene
But it could bring me trouble, and what can I do anyway?
It's hard to be effective when it happens so often
To see a life unraveling, through drawn venetian blinds
I'm sickened by compassion, I'm stifled by my limitations
Anesthetic apathy, come take the pain away

I know, I have too many song references in my blogs, but bear with me.
Whenever something sad is on TV, I can't find the words to say. When someone is hurting, who am I to comfort them? I cannot cry, I cannot weep. And it hurts. The last time I really cried was long ago and for selfish reasons. Do I cry at movies? Not in the least. I might make a scene or draw attention to myself. And how horrible would that be! I cannot comprehend the embarrassment suffered by allowing my emotions to actually be displayed.
Compassion and Apathy. Two enemies who's sole existence is to destroy the other, and if one holds on to one long enough the other fades away. I want to be more compassionate. I yearn to be that way. I'll get spats of compassion, but it's so conditional and sometimes even just for myself they're laughable. What's the point of conditional compassion centered around my emotions? I need God to break me of this. I really really do.

And then there's the way I induce apathy. Some might say I'm a funny person, and it's true. I like to make people happy and when someone laughs at something I said or did it makes my day. But then I use it the wrong way. When something sad has happened, I don't become serious. I use jokes to shield myself from the tears and the pain that are before me. I guess I feel a little bit like Moses. I am unskilled in speech, so what comfort can I give to that person? But the Holy Spirit guides my ways, so why should I care about my limitations when He covers for me?