Diary,
All still not is well. My mind wants more to complete and my own eyes bewitched. They simply want to close. It is as if I want to sleep forever. Sleeping Beauty... Why does this aile me so? Why do I simply wish to sleep... to cry... to want to hold? Am I lonely? No, Misa and Kyle are forever there. Am I depressed? No, I smile every day and blush every night. Am I more then tired? Perhaps. 'Tis morning that approached me, with little sleep I had, I required to get up and sleep upon the floor. I can no longer rest. No longer eat. My mind feels like there is nothing left. That it is simply forgotten. Maybe something has been taken from me... a part of me. All I want is to stare into nothingness. Become... nothing. Dear God, I fear I am becoming Alice. Everything is empty. I have become empty. My heart is here, but it feels as if it has died. There is no beating. Everything goes blank. I forget myself and others. My days are being longer, hours more lonelier, my dreams, more frightening. I have been having nightmares lately, and suppositly they are getting worse. I can't remember them, however, though I have known to be awakened with puddles of tears upon my pillow. What could this all mean, Diary? Am I truly becoming Alice? Even my passions: singing, writing, music.... they are all lifeless now. Music blocks my mind. My singing feels like nothing more then harmonic talking. Writing seems to be a bore. Maybe once I finish my Alice story I will feel better. I have only told Kyle of this situation, but before long, Misa will read you as well Diary, and he will know, too. He is going to be upset I am well sure of. Leon will be worried of course. Maybe my days are no longer needing of my pressence. Perhaps, I am not longer needed in this world? My soul has been shut down... my mind has gone... perhaps I must cry? But I cannot. I do not want to cry. My body refuses me so. Am I merely fighting a battle within myself? These questions need answers Diary. I need to preoccupy myself with other needs. After I read my Wicca book, I will read my Tarot to understand. Tarot will help me find my answers, as they do not tell the future, they speak of a possible future. I need change it. What do I do when myself feels lost? Perhaps it is the feeling of no longer being restricted and I am not familar with it... Diary, I need you aid me in my finding of answers. I can't describe the sensation. I do feel however like Alice. My life has changed, and I cannot understand why. What have I done wrong? What haven't I done? My body is now without a soul, my heart is without a beat, my mind is closed in a barrier that I cannot break. I need uplifting. I do not feel depressed. Perhaps I made myself tired in being who I am. Maybe I will re-read the Twilight saga again. I have noticed that when I do, I cannot put the book down and I always feel uplifted. Maybe I need begin my meditations again. I need to read my Wiccan books, and my Tarot. Perhaps after I finish this entry I shall do just that. I need my classical music. I cannot find it however and it truly is a nuisance. I will download Limewire and find the songs I love. I will do this only once, otherwise Adam would have a fit. Place it on a CD and listen. Classical music makes me feel alive. Free, and tranquil. I hope I can accomplish something for a change without feeling so remorsed and empty. Why need I cry when nothing is broken? Why need I sleep when no dream is awaiting me? ... Perhaps... there is nothing anymore.... perhaps...
Until another day beckons,
Farewell~
NakatamiHigurashi Community Member 
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