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... I'd like to think of myself as a good friend.

To the friends I've had through middle school, the "pups" I've protected and leaned on back in my "alpha" days, till now.
I've had my ups and downs with them, disowned most of them, and have parted with some of them, realising they're much smarter than I and should go on their own path...

And as years go by, I lower myself in rank all the time until I just went plop to omega.

I know I screw other people over when I start comparing things to wolf packs and their social order, but it usually fits, and in this case morseso.

One of my friends, Melissa, is an uber christian. Her parents are strict about hwat happens but she doesn't complain because she sincerely believes in it. And I don't know why she was my friend for so long; because she felt safe around me when we first met, because I was nice to her when nobody else was, because we were alike, or just because she made it her mission in life to "save" me, but she has been THE only person I willingly go to christian/religious functions with.

I am not a christian person.

I try to explain what I believe in, but it gets interpreted the wrong way or I just can't explain it correctly. But basically.
It's a really weird mix between Native American Culture, Buddhism, and Christianity. In a really tight nutshell, God is like Gravity in that it's a force and it is All Mighty, and it will always does what it does regardless if you pray to it or not. Everything is pre-ordained, destined, whatever, and a lot of things simply don't matter in the huge scheme of the circle of life.
I believe in fate, and reincarnation. But I also believe that if you were a "sinner" when you die, you just get to rot with some worms, and do not become something else in the next life.
I believe that if you decide to worship, or take advantage of all the signs "god" gives you, it is a very very personal thing, and it should almost NEVER be done in groups, unless you're simply discussing it.

That said, Church... Stuff... Is very hard for me to sit through, because it is a group thing. And it's like. I don't know. To me it's like yelling out every person you had sex with and describing exactly what went down as if the thing didn't matter. That's the only way how I can explain how "group worship" feels for me.

So when Melissa asks me to go to her church stuff, I take a really deep breath, and I pick my battles.
I refuse things where I know I'll probably have a panic attack because I'm just so... Violated, insulted, and... Isolated. But I go to things that hell, might be a little fun.

Melissa's church stuff is very contemporary. I was trying to describe it to my parents, and the first thing that came ot mind was.. "It's a God... Moshpit."

And it is. If we were in an open space, it would be a moshpit, and people would be bodysurfing. I'm surprised how well we pull off the moshpit factor with pews in the way, honestly.

Everyone is bouncing and singing and it's a huge rock concert, and if you just lose yourself in having the fun and in the guitars, it's almost not like it's about God.

There's these "God moshpits" weekeneds just for youth called Discple Now(sp). Or D-Now, for short. I've been to two already.

The first one, I really lost myself in it, and I had a blast. I was jumping up and down and prasing the lord and what-have you because I was having fun. And I'd never been to a concert, so that was a cool expierence to go deaf and everything.

Second D-Now was okay. I managed to do weel up until sunday morning and saturday night, where there were these huge group meetings. It would normally be fun but on Saturday Night and Sunday morning were when the huge revivals took place, and it's where everyone starts crying and thanking god and "worshipping" where they fall on their knees and put their face to the floor and the Lord comes down and all that.. Cool... Emotional, s**t, I guess.

I don't remember quite what happened that year, but I think I went outside and had a panic attack Saturday night.

I'm somewhat of an empath. If people are feeling, angry, sad, whatever, it rubs off. I thought I was a psyche vampire for a while. I just am going to stick with good old empathy. People are all crying about Jesus is savior and such, and I'm sitting there, and I have a panic attack because, not only am I being violated because this isn't my religion and I only came to appease a friend, but because everyone else around me is crying about how Jesus is saving them changing their lives and stuff.

I had a hard time that year. I remember doing one of my mental "haha, yeah, that's utter bullshit" lines in my heads, sticking in 50 cusswords in sermons in my mind to convince myself I was okay. I'm sure everyone who has been forced to church did that at somepoint to entertain themselves to they didn't go crazy, so you guys know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, I lay off for five years, and Melissa, out of the blue, asks me to go again this year. That was this friday(yesterday).

I woke up at 3pm, which was already a bad sign, and her mom called me and said she was going to pick me up at 5. So I took a shower and got packed and waited.
And waited.
And she came at 6:30.
So we were really late.

We got to the big church and I was having a great time, I was figuring, "Hey, if I use the term 'god' this kindasorta applies to me, and I don't have to feel so isolated". So I was singing and clapping and jumping.
Then Saturday morning comes and we have the morning sermon.
I was really tired since I only got like two hours of sleep, but I was still singing along.

My wrists were acting up so I was wearing my braces(I think it's triggered by anxiety now, honestly) and wasn't clapping or jumping anything, but still having an okay time.

Then Melissa leaves to go to the prayer room.

She comes back like, an hour later, and while we're eating lunch, it's serious religion conversation time between me and her.

The whole weekend I knew this was going to happen, and I was hoping she wouldn't bring it up, but she did. Seeing so many signs, I should've prepared myself, but no.

I'm sitting there, taking a huge bite out of this chick-fil-a sandwich and BAM.

"You know I was praying for you."
Morality sank to an ultimate low then.

"For what? To be a christian? Have a relationship with god? Have 'It'?"
"Yes. It." She said. (D-Now's theme this year was "it" - relationship with God).

"Well... Don't. I'm fine. I've got my own belief system... Thing. And it's working out fine for me."

And then, of course, we get into what exactly it is I believe in and why I'm not Christian, because OBVIOUSLY Christianity is the "right" religion.

I like Melissa because she has never forced Christianity on me. Never. Everyone else in my life has. So for her to be Christian and not say, "Hey, you, I need to save you because you don't believe in God" meant a lot to me all these years.

And now she just had to ruin it.

She asked my opinion on the Bible.
"You don't want to know my opinion of the Bible." I replied, hurriedly shoving my mouth full of more chicken sandwhich(which was delicious, by the way).

She kept pressuring it on me. Of course, she's my friend, so I can't lie to her. I don't know what the hell happened with me and lying. Some random year in my life, I think 16, I had this stupid revelation where I couldn't lie effectively anymore, so I stopped doing it, and started confessing everything, and getting really open.

Back when I was a chronic liar, everything was so great, and worked out fine. But no, I had to s**t myself over, I had to tell everyone what I was going through, had to tell them I stole things, was cutting myself, wasn't christian, hated them, whatever. I had to make my life much more DRAMATIC.
I suck like that.

"It's the biggest book of fiction ever made."
I look at her face.
"I told you you didn't want to know."
Look at her wilting disposition again.
"I don't talk about this a lot because I know how it makes people like you feel. Sorry."

And of course, that brings up the damned Bible debate. Why she thinks it's real, why it was Written by God, and why I don't think it's real.
And i end up telling her that, while it could have happened, it was horribly embellished. And while there may have been a guy named Jesus walking the earth and spreading the word of this wonderful religion he made up, he most certainly did NOT have magical healing powers.
And she was saying that "Well, so many people believe in it. So it has to be true. It started a revolution for over 400 years".. and stuff like that.

So I start listing books of fiction that have done aorund the same thing.
Farenheit 451.
The Catcher and the Rye.
Romeo and Juliet.
Star Wars. (Okay, it was a movie, but still, that thing has a religion after it).
Lord of the Rings. That has a whole language.

And I was saying, while all of these have believable characters and people who might've been inspired by true people, the stories are all made up, even though they spread much controversey, belief, and.. Other stuff in the world.

I mentioned Tuesdays With Morrie and Who Moved My CHeese. Two books everyone looks to for self-help and guidance. They may be BASED on a true story(s), but they did not actually happen, and they were embellished.

Much like A Million Little Pieces. I didn't mention this example, however. It touched many many people, and helped a lot of others, inspiring them, and so on. And Oh em gee, it's EMBELLISHED.

Finally we dropped the debate. I felt I lost, but I think it was a draw.

After that, I just wasn't very lively the rest of the day.
After all, Melissa had crushed the magical safety barrier.

She joined the ranks of everyone else and their "praying for me" so I could accept God.
I don't know how many people have started doing this now, but I think the list is up to at least 15 people, who pray that I will accept God.
This is my advice to you all.

SHOVE IT.
I don't want "Your" god. Nothing you say or do will make me accept "your" god.
I have my own beliefs. They work for me. I like them. They help me through life. I believe in THEM. I got through all of my troubles with THEM, not your praying and your god. MY BELIEFS. ME.

Infamous "mine are better than your's" debate. Your shoes may be new and "better", but I like my shoes. My shoes are comfortable, and they fit just right.
While your shoes may be "better" and give me a "better image" to other people, they do not fit me. I do not like their smell. I do not like their size.
I like the shoes I am comfortable with. I like the shoes I bought ME.

Saturday night rolled along. I was really depressed by this point.
I started getting in the "this is wrong" attitude. I started to sing songs, but omit certain words. Like. If it said "Praise Jesus, he is all mighty, accept me." I'd sing "Praise __. He is all __. Accept me."
I do that when I get uncomfortable with religious stuff.

Then came the long "this is worship. Worship is from the root word 'forehead to ground'. In this time, I'm not going to tell you what to do, but do whatever you want to worship Him, be it cry, pray, stare in space, sing, or lie on your face at the altar. Just let Him touch your soul."

I was fighting with myself at this point. One side of my brain was going "run, run outside! You're goingt o have a panic attack, go out into the cool air and the rain and meditate with your own 'god'!"
The other side was saying "It is rude to leave. I am leaving early anyway, so I should try to stick it out for Melissa. I am here for HER. I want to be there for HER, because I am a good friend, and I want to please HER."

Literally immobile, was what I ended up being. I sat there, frozen stark solid, staring into space, arguing with the different sides of my mind. Feeling jealous that everyone else could express their feelings. Feeling violated that everyone else believed in something full-heartedly that was just flat out wrong. Feeling outcast because I am not Christian, and this is a purely christian thing. Feeling excluded and rundown because I could morph this into working for what I believed in by going outside and meditating with my own 'god'. Feeling emotional and trying to hold back tears because everyone around me was crying. Feeling angry because I had tried to cancel this trip, and Melissa forced me into it because she was looking so forward to seeing me here, and feeling downright shitty for even thinking about leaving, when it would be rude to just walk out when Melissa was sitting right next to me.

They started singing, and everyone stood up, and I was still frozen. I don't know what my problem was, maybe I was just feeling what wveryone else was and it was going straight to my brain with all the other stresses, but as I was trying to hold back tears, one rolled down my cheek because I wanted to have somebody to hold and be with at that moment. I wanted to cry on somebody's shoulder simply because I could, and I had nobody, because I was in a room full of people who probably had no idea what I was going through.

I highly doubt any of them would go to a satanic ritual or something of the equivelent just to please one of their friends, and not make a "Hey, you know, MY god.." statement the entire time, and just be accepting of it, and actually engage in the activity, just to make their friend happy.

I just became.. So angry.. I was angry at Christians. I was angry at Melissa, I was angry at "God", and I was angry at myself.
As soon as it was permitted, I was the first one out of that church, I was the the first one outside in the rain, I was the first one outside, relishing the cold, really sincerely hoping something happened where I would feel less.. Less... SOMETHING.

We went back to the host family and got our stuff together for about thirty minutes. Lots of girls were still crying. I was still mad. I started growling. I don't think anybody heard. At least, I hope nobody did, because that was the first time I growled for more than two seconds around people. I was sitting on the couch, and I was flipping through channels on the TV trying to get my mind off of what had just happened, and I growled for, like, ten minutes straight.

I only realised I was doing it about three minutes into doing it, and at that point, I didn't care. Growling, at that point, was the loosening of my cork on the shaken up soda bottle, so I just continued doing it.

I had wanted to play lunch money that weekened. I kept giving hints. I asked Melissa if she wanted to play it multiple times. By the time the ultimate revival sermon ended, all I wanted was for her to play lunch money with me, so I would have SOMETHING that was fun and familiar to ME. She felt alienated playing it, because it is a role playing card game where you are little kids beating people up. Nobody would play with me. Of course. No Christian would ever alienate themselves for a friend.

By that time, I was visualizing in my head me shoving Melissa the deck of cards and going, "You better shuffle b***h, I did all this s**t for you and now you can play ONE lousy card game with me so I feel better, damnit!"
Instead I told her to call her parents to pick me up.

She asked me if I had fun that weekend. I thinks he could tell I was angry.
I said I did yesterday(friday) and this morning. And she said "What about tonight?"
I simply said, "Nope," And tried to concentrate on Austin Powers, which was on the TV at the time.

We had small group session after that, and it was almost worse than the big revival sermon. I was seriously visualizing myself cutting my wrists. I wanted it to END.
We were going around, talking about who we should Pray for, or who should have god closer to their hearts or something. These girls start crying about how feeling chronic pain made them feel closer to god and s**t, and then we're going around the circle about unchristians and how they felt demonized because they were christians and how badly they got treated.

I wanted to kick them all. What about me? Again, would you flip my situation for a friend? I doubt it.
I almost want to drag Melissa to some demonic worship just to see what she'd do in revenge for this.

Anyway, when It got to me, I said, "I've got nothing." Thank fate they didn't prod at me. They just went on. I think Melissa might've told them I wasn't christian or something. Which is a double-edged sword. Sometimes they leave you alone about it(the youth ministers) most of the time... They try to get you to convert.

Then we did one of these awkward open prayers, where the minister says something, and then there's silence so other people, in no order, can just jump in. That lasted for what felt like hours.

Finally we moved on, and then Melissa's dad came. I was so relieved then. I made my fast escape, thanking Fate all the goddamned way with my stuff to the door to leave.

And then. Melissa and I are in the garage. Only. While I put my shoes on. She has my sleeping bag.

"Um.." She starts. Oh God. Here it comes.
"Thank you.. for coming. It really meant.. A lot to me."
I put my shoes on. "You're welcome." I leave.

I sincerely apologise melissa. But I cannot put myself through that again. I am sorry. I can't go to any of your religious functions any more. I know you can't read my mind, and you probably didn't know that lunch money would've meant a lot to me, even if you had just pretended to like it, but I just can't. I can't do it any more.

I'm glad I went home early. First day of work was a really good excuse. Thank Fate it's a true one.
If I didn't leave early, I don't know what I would've done.
If I had gone to the sunday morning service.. I'm not sure what would've happened, but it would not have been good.

I can't put myself through that strain any more. I feel like I do everything for you, and you do nothing in return. Admittingly I never ask for anything from you, and I expect a lot more than normal people. But for now, we are done.
I may not ever see you again.

You've turned into the Christians I've come to despise, and I'm sorry it turned out this way. But I can't do this to myself to please someone who can't give me anything back any more.
I apologise.

God is like a Tree.
Someone else plants the seed in your mind, and you take care of it as it grows to Grandeur.
It can be a Wonderful, Beautiful Tree if you take good care of it,
But no matter how well you do or how beautiful you've envisioned it to be,
It can still only do so much.
It's only a Tree.

A Tree can give wood, shade, and sometimes fruit.
It cannot change your life, or your friends'.
And even if you believe it has, you must remember-
YOU made the Tree.
The Tree did not make You.