This is so ******** up. At this point I think I need to go to college and major in psychology just to figure myself out. Who knows I might be able to get a PHD and write my dissertation on my weird issues. I don't even pull this s**t subconsciously I know I'm doing it when I do it. Or actually part of it is subconscious the part where I'm laying traps for myself for later. What is the definition of subconscious? Is it possible to do something subconsciously but know in the back of your mind what you're doing. I don't know I guess what I'm saying is that I know I'm doing it I'm just not thinking about it actively. I guess that is subconscious. Have I been purely honest with anyone? EVER? I hate lies an awful lot for someone who does it all the time. It's like as long as I have one good lie about myself then what? Then nobody got to know me? I'm not in danger of being too close. ******** dude half of me right now is hoping my friends read this so they know me better and the other half of me is shitting myself scared that they will. I like being trusted, and I like being trust worthy. I guess I hate me so much I need it to be mutual. I really just have no idea why I'm doing this to myself. I ******** myself over in the moment by lying and building a wall or stopping...something IDK. And I ******** myself over for later if I decide to come clean because I made sure to lie about something nobody could understand me lying about. Every single time. Coated with a little bit of truth and filled with my genuine emotions packaged in a beautiful bullshit box. That's really ******** cute. I actually think I've got it figured out. It's a hell of a lot easier to be someone else than it is to be me. ******** me...I can't even post this. I can't tell them I lied especially about what I lied about they would never understand.
I moved this from my deviant art journal to hear because my real life friends don't read this. Normally.
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WUZUP!
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