Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

homework and more homework was piled in front of me as i sit in my chair. thinking about what to do first, i make some popped corn and start doing AP literature homework. struck with delight i flew away as i did the Schindler's List and Macbeth questions. easy as pie, finishing my literature homework was an actual blast. the bowl of popped corn was not even half gone after i finished my literature homework though i still did have math homework and college paper work, and re-studying for my SAT. thinking about what to do i turn on my mp3 player and speakers and randomly played a song. the song is called "The Older I Get" by Skillet. i kind of get caught in the moment,bringing out yearbooks and actually look at the yearbooks i have not burned and it made me wonder how was everyone doing back on that island and how is everyone coping with this world we live in. its really cutting for me to have actually burned those previous yearbooks from elementary and middle. sitting down on my seat i looking at photos i wonder how "she's" right now. i know that Christmas is right there and i know that depressing thoughts are a "No No" but these depressing thoughts of how she is doing is making me walk longer. the song is a semi-sad song but i can't help myself but sit there and think about "her".

after doing one part of my homework i put music on and i get really caught in the moment. looking through pictures in the yearbook makes me regret how i always was such a nuance to everyone around me. there were good times but mostly bad times and i really think that's what's keeping me from giving up. i want to see them all someday and ask for their forgiveness from my stupid actions. my door was closed and the cold wind blows through my opened windows. rain was falling and it did quite set the mood right. looking through it all, i thought of "her" and how much time i spent with "her" and i tried recalling how many times i said "i love you" to "her". it is a scary thought to never actually see a person again even after telling them that you love them.

song ends and i repeat since it gave me a sense of hope in all this depression. putting myself back to my memories i recall that i had said "i love you" a number of 31 times in both voice and letter. i don't care of what you think of this number but this is what i got through my meditation of my memories. 31 times i said such childish things when i was just naive about everything else. i think about her and try to get a face, a voice, a cherished memory. out of honesty all the trials and ordeals that we both faced are much more cherish-able than any happy memory i had ever had with her. each problem i recall in my memory makes my thoughts stir even more and think about how to confront "her" when i see her again.

trying to get out of this trance i look at my clock and it was 6:43 pm. i organized everything for tomorrow and cleaned up. while cleaning, i remembered how "she" tutored me and she had a giant bowl of popped corn. the bowl of popped corn, not even half gone, stares at me with a with a blank look and then gives me an urge of melancholy. i shake my head and take it to the fridge and save it for tomorrow. putting back everything in it's place i start reading Man in the Woods by author Scott Spencer. redeeming yourself from a murder seems to be one of the most difficult hardships in this world though one that can last for an eternity and on. i quietly read it.

today overall: productive