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what really goes on in my mind:

you know right now i should be happy. everything in my life is moving in the right direction at the right times and yet, i feel like crying... but i shouldnt. im going to college, im about to get my license, things are somewat good at my house and my future looks promising.... and yet here i am. someone who has their life in order but on the inside im a complete mess... its pathetic if you ask me.

i have everything anyone could ever want or could ever hope for except for one thing: someone to love. in my mind theres no point in having money or a nice place to live if you dont have someone you deeply care about to share it with. its lonely at the top... it really is...

and you know, once youve been in love... its hard to find someone else... especially if ur STILL in love with that one person... ive tried and tried but i cannot get her out of my head.... it hurts...because i know she would never EVER take me back...

my lies caught up to me and in the end the person i hurt the most wasnt me but the person i loved more than anything else.

if there was anyway i could let her look into my soul and see how sorry i am about everything ive done to her, and see through the LIE in witch my entire exsistance is... id let her see it all. all my uglyness. and all the love i harbor for her...

i dont think ill ever b as happy as i was with her with anyone else.

im gratefull to her though. she changed me. before i meet her i was just some horn-dog looking for sex and nothing else. i didnt know what REAL love was until i meet her.and because of her i became.... stronger... in a way... i stopped hiding things and i stopped telling so many lies. she made me a better person....

but back to the subject at the beginning of this rediculous selfish rant... now that everythings on track.... i dont have anything to fight for... and i guess i feel kindof lost.... i dont know what to do... i guess you could say instead of me being at the top im actually at rock bottom haha...

to those of you who actually read this thing all the way through: im sorry about posting this pointless rant... i just needed an outlet... therell probably be more of these from me in order for me to contain my sanity... but thank you for reading.

and to the one whome i was speaking of in this: i still love you... deeply... and im always thinking about you... but i hope whoever youre with now makes you even happier than i did and that they treat you right... and if you ever need me for anything at all, no matter what it is ill always be here for you.

P.S. to the people who read this.... YES i am a GIRL. xD