Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

A girl and a boy met at a get together. They knew each other from a class and said “Hi” when they would see each other. She thought he was cute, but it seemed he didn’t see her. She was an odd girl and had a pretty bad life. She was afraid of being her true self around anyone. Fearing they would treat her like others in the past. She hates herself, more than anyone will ever know. She’s sad on the inside and sometimes doesn’t even want to get out of bed. She’s tried killing herself before, but in the end it didn’t work. She would stair at knives and think about just slicing… but she was too afraid of the pain.

She met this boy, and he had a wonderful smile. His laugh made her laugh along with him. He seemed nice, kind, and respectful. Nearly, every girl he met liked him. They went to a party and both got drunk. They talked, drank, and then he kissed her. She felt her heart flutter when their lips connected. Her mind going blank, perhaps from the alcohol or maybe something more. They kissed and then he asked if she wanted to go somewhere. She said yes and…. She made a mistake. She knew it was wrong but she didn’t care at the time. She was caught in the moment and she can’t take it back. This girl, who was told since she was young she was a mistake and always seemed to ruin everything… poor girl.

Even though he had no interest in her, and his heart belonged to another, this went on. They talked, hungout, and even… made more mistakes. For some time it went on, and she convinced herself she felt nothing more him. She knew he didn’t like her and that he would never be interested in her. She was his friend… nothing more. She was used to being ‘Just Friends’ with a lot of people. She was ALWAYS the friend and never the one they want. She felt special though, since she was the only one he did things with. She felt like she had something no one else could have. But things were not as sweet as she thought. As time went on, and they continued, she unknowingly fell inlove with the boy. She loved everything about him and then it happened. He told her he had to erase her from his life. She didn’t cry at first. She thought it over and knew he was right. She wasn’t important… what was she to him? No one special, no one important. Nothing. Sitting there in her room she staired at her computer. Looking at the words and his picture.

Her heart sank and she felt sadness washing over her. Tears slowly seeped into her eyes and down her cheeks. Her hands were shaking as she typed a reply. She understood… She of course was sad but she knew it was best. As she sent that more tears flowed over her cheeks. Her throat was dry and her body became cold. She knew then that she’d fallen in love with him, even after she promised herself she wouldn’t. She called herself a fool, idiot, stupid for thinking anyone could like someone like her… She knew it wouldn’t last forever and the time they shared was something she cherished. She would always remember the way he held her, kissed her, and the way he smelled. The touch of his hands on her skin… everything burned into her mind. She would dream about him every night in the coming weeks. Longing to stay asleep forever, rather than face reality knowing he would not be there… not even as a friend.

She would see him around school, and he would turn his head. As if she was a shadow in the hall way. Fading into the crowd, like all the others. She was nothing. Worthless to the single person she wanted to be everything for. But that was her life it seemed. She was always going to be the girl that people used. That was tossed aside when they were done. “I did it to myself.. It’s my stupid fault” she said as she sat on her bed, staring out the window. The tears stopped flowing long ago, and she felt an empty space that she could not fill. She didn’t speak of their encounters to anyone. She kept her happiness all to herself because he told her not to tell anyone. It didn’t strike her until then, as she sat on her bed. Of course he wouldn’t want anyone to know… Turning to look at herself in the mirror she sighed. What was so wrong with her that life seemed to always turn to s**t? Why was she everyone’s toy? Something easily thrown away…

The girl grew up into a normal woman. Nothing special, living forever with the memory of the boy she loved and how he so easily threw her away.