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Meh....
Ever notice that you never notice when life is going smoothly? It's all about when things go wrong, all about when we can feel sorry for ourselves. Usually, things get better soon after we feel down, whether we want to admit it or not, but sometimes, just sometimes, things get worse.
Just when the weather starts to look clearer, dark clouds cover your horizon again.
You know, deep down, that you still have the things in life that truly matter, but that doesn't stop you from lamenting the broken feeling embedded in your heart. You still ache for something, anything, to go as you planned it.
You question; first, you ask why it didn't work out, why nothing went according to plan. Then you questions others, doing your best to place the blame on someone else, in an attempt to make yourself feel the slightest bit better. And then you question yourself. You wonder what you did wrong, what you could have done differently. You blame yourself, and, though these things may be the smallest of problems, you carry a heavy burden.
Some seek refuge in the smoke of a joint or the sting of whiskey, while others hold on the best they can. Boy, do we hold on. For the sake of every ounce of innocence we have left in this unpure and tiring world, we cling to our 'morals' and 'ethics'. What good does it do us, in all honesty? Can we brag to our friends about our pointless struggles? Can we boast that we have not sunk so low as to abandon what we believe in?
But....what if what we believe in changes? What if new events, new people, bring into our lives a point of view that we could not see before? Does that make us any less than what we were?
In my opinion.....no. Once, only a few short years ago, I would have disagreed; but, now, my eyes have been opened to what the real world can do to one who shows emotion, who cares for other than themselves.
I still struggle, as I am new to this world after being sheltered endlessly for most of my life, but I will try....I will always try.
Now, as the thoughts swirling chaotically in my mind come to a point, I am faced with a choice....
Do I finally let go of my desperate struggle to maintain what my younger, more innocent self believed to be 'goodness', and finally have the release I have so longed for, even if it is only for a few hours? Do I accept the regret that will undoubtedly find me later?
I....I do not know.
It is not so easy to cast aside myself.
 Elvaneyl Do_Urden · Mon Oct 31, 2011 @ 05:21am · 0 Comments |
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