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It was an unusually quiet day at Krispy Kreme. The donuts were rolling off of their conveyor belts waiting to be eaten. With their delicious glazed-ness and sprinkles and frosting-
But I digress.
It was getting late, and the latest batch of donuts had just come out of the oven. So, as was the custom, the shop would give a free sample to anyone who came in. Around five minutes later, a small boy with long blond hair came bursting through the doors.
"DONUTS, AL!" Edward (because we all knew it was him, right?) screamed at the top of his lungs.
The swinging doors had snapped back on their hinges and smacked Alphonse in the face, and would have caused a broken nose- if he had had a nose to begin with. But that's besides the point. What happened instead was that his head fell off.
The peewee alchemist dashed up to the counter and plastered his face against the glass display case.
"May I interest you in a free donut?" the cashier guy asked.
Edward's eyes grew big and round. Al had finally managed to put his head back on, and had reached the counter. Sensing that Ed was about to have some form of happy conniption, he grabbed his brother's arm. "Ed, remember what the therapists said!"
Edward closed his eyes and counted to ten. When he opened his eyes, the cashier had stuck the free donut in front of his face, so Ed had a crazy spasm anyway. All Alphonse could do was apologize for his brother's psychologically scarring behavior and drag the gibbering shrimp to a random seat.
By now, the poor cashier was so messed up that he figured that it was about time to call it a night. But just then-
Creeeak! The door hinges squealed as a tall man with long brown hair entered. The cashier managed to summon up a disturbing crazed smile that was supposed to pass off as friendly. "Would you like a free donut? he said, his eye twitching slightly.
"Why, of course!" the man answered in a deep booming voice. He reached out and grabbed the donut the cashier offered him. Then, without another word, he strode to the door and left.
Within ten seconds, a black haired woman came in. "May I have a free sample?
The cashier was only too happy to oblige. Once again, the customer left abruptly.
At this point, there was a momentary distraction during which Ed had viciously attacked the display stand which held bottles of milk. But once that was over (and Ed had been knocked unconscious) business was able to continue as usual.
If the cashier hadn't been suffering so many blows to his already fragile sanity, he might have noticed that the customers that kept coming in were never in more that one at a time, and that they all took a free donut and left.
It was right before closing time when one final customer came in right after the previous one had exited. Unsurprisingly, she took a free donut and left. The cashier closed up for the night, helped Alphonse drag Ed outside, and went home. He never was quite the same again.

Meanwhile, in the alleyway right next to Krispy Kreme, a shadowy figure sat hunched over a mountain of glazed donuts. "I swear, this free donut idea is the best thing that's ever happened to me!" they muttered, picking up a donut.
"Those idiots never learn," Envy chuckled to himself as he chowed down.

Once Ed regained consciousness, he realized that the Krispy Kreme cashier had thrown him out of the store. He also realized that he smelled a strange smell, a warm, donuty smell.
"DONUTS! Edward screamed. Sniffing the air, he followed his nose to where the smell was coming from: an alleyway on the side of the shop.
He heard chewing sounds, and realized with horror that someone was crouching on the ground- eating the precious donuts! With a yell of "NOOOO!" Edward leaped toward the person in slow motion, the camera zooming in and around him.
Envy noticed that Edward had discovered his secret plan, and stood up. For a minute, he wondered how on earth the shrimp had managed to suspend himself in midair with no visible wires. Shrugging, he poked Edward in the forehead, causing him to come crashing back to earth.
Leaping to his feet, Edward made a very angry face with an anger cross on his head. Pointing at Envy accusingly, he cried: "You horrible, twisted fiend!
Envy casually picked up a chocolate donut and started eating it.
"How could you undermine all that is righteous and delicious?!" Edward yelled dramatically. "You make me sick!"
Envy chewed the donut while staring at the wall, making a face like he didn't give a crap what Ed was saying.
"This is America! Ed continued. "I think?" he added as an afterthought. "And you can't dishonor the age old tradition of free samples! It's what made this country what it is today! What would Uncle Sam say?!"
Licking his fingers, Envy raised an eyebrow at Edward. There was a flash of light, and suddenly a tall, creepy looking old man with a red, white, and blue top hat appeared in Envy's place. He was pointing at Edward. "He would say: I want you- the hell out of here, shorty!"
"THAT'S IT!" Edward screamed, changing his arm into a very pointy sword. "I'LL END YOUR REIGN OF TERROR ONCE AND FOR ALL!"
Envy changed back into his regular form. "Oh, I don't think so," he said in a bored tone, holding up his hand and inspecting his fingernails. Because it isn't cool to have dirt under your fingernails.
"PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!" Edward screeched.
"Why?" Envy said, finally actually looking at him. "I'm just going to bash you into the ground anyway."
"Oh yeah? You and what army?" Ed challenged.
"Only the army of MAH HOMIES!" Envy declared dramatically.
Nothing happened. They stood there for a moment.
"HOMIES?!?" Envy screamed, really pissed off-like.
"Oh, right," there was some mumbling from behind a dumpster as Greed and Dante shuffled out. They were wearing hoodies and had huge, gold necklaces around their necks that said 'PIMP DAD and 'BLING'. They had shades, big baggy pants, and hats on their heads that were turned inside out and backwards.
�How much are we getting paid for this again?� Greed muttered.
�Gangstas, attack!� Envy yelled with a triumphant grin.
�What?� Greed asked, confused.
�Word to your mother?� Dante said, unsure. It was so pathetic that Ed cracked up laughing.
�You retards!� Envy yelled at them, palming his face.
�What?� Greed whined. �You said that all we had to do was wear this crap and walk out from behind the dumpster.�
�Don�t forget the part where we rap,� Dante added.
Envy was so busy being amazed by how stupid his �homies� were that he didn�t notice Edward stuffing his coat full of donuts.
Finally, with a boastful cry of �HA!� Edward bolted out of the alley.
�What?� Envy turned just in time to see Edward running away. He smacked himself in the face again. �D�oh!�
�A deer!� Greed piped up.
�A female deer!� Dante chimed in.
Envy transformed into a baseball bat and beat the crap out of them.



When last we left our mentally challenged heroes, Ed was running for his life with his coat filled with donuts, Envy was beating the living &*$@ out of pimp man and wannabe woman, and somewhere far, far away, Al was buying refrigerator magnets to stick on himself. But that�s another story.
A small red streak shot down the street, his braid flapping around behind him. Edward struggled to hold onto the thirty or so donuts he had snagged from Envy, but it was a one-sided battle.
�Must- find- place to hide!� Ed gasped as he turned a corner.
FWUMP! He ran right into something large. Ed landed on his butt, and donuts spilled everywhere. Rubbing his head, he looked up to see what he had collided with.
Scar glared down at him with a look that said: I wish for you to die. He was about to viscously �splode Edward�s head, when suddenly he spotted the donuts strewn across the ground. His red eyes widened.
�Donuts without sprinkles?! WHAT BLASPHEMY IS THIS?!?!� Scar screamed. He ran away shrieking at the top of his lungs.
Edward stared open-mouthed for a few seconds. His mind had reached the brink of insanity. But then he remembered that Envy was probably still coming after him with murderous intent. So he scrambled to his feet, picked up as many donuts as he could, and ran down the street once again.
As he ran, he spotted a Best Buy. �Perfect!� He sprinted toward the doors.

Meanwhile�
Envy smiled a creepy little smirk and brushed himself off as he walked out of the alley. Blood was splattered all over the bricks. A dismembered arm lay in the corner.
�Hey honey, could you get me my arm?� Greed�s voice drifted out from the shadows.
�Get it yourself, dawg,� Dante grumbled in reply.
Envy tilted his head back and sniffed the air. Sure enough, he caught the scent of donuts. Then, sprinting as fast as Homunculusly possible, he dashed down the boulevard of broken donuty dreams.

Ed burst through the doors of Best Buy. �SANCTUARY! SANCTUARY!!� he screamed.
Nobody looked at him.
Without taking a moment to catch his breath, Ed sprinted toward the DVD section and turned down the anime aisle, to find�
�Al? What the hell are you doing here? And why are there refrigerator magnets stuck all over you?!� Ed yelled.
Al had set up a little tent and a campfire directly underneath the A-F section. He was arranging little magnetic letter tiles on his arm so that they spelled �Kitties roxxors my soxxors.� �I�m waiting for the next shipment of DVD�s to come in, brother,� he replied without looking up. �I just have to know what zany adventures will happen to us next�� he muttered to himself.
�Al, no! You�re not turning into a hobo, are you?� Ed shrieked with horror.
�Of course not, brother,� Al replied calmly. He slipped on a pair of ratty hobo gloves. You know, the kind that don�t have fingers to them.
�Oh. Okay then. Bye.� Ed left.
He made his way to the video game section, looking for somewhere where he could devour his ill-gotten donuts in peace, when suddenly-
�Yip yip!�
�FETCH, SKIPPY, FETCHH! Yes! YES! MUHAHAHA!! Now, pee on that tree- you will obey MY EVERY COMMAND! HAHAHAHA!!!�
Ed dropped a donut. �Colonel, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!� Mustang was standing at one of the Nintendo DS demo stations. He was bent over so that his nose was almost touching the DS, gripping the stylus in his fist and gouging the touch screen like a madman. Edward could see a copy of �Nintendogs� sticking out of the back of it.
As soon as he realized that he had been caught, Roy quickly let go of the DS and put his hands behind his back. �Nothing,� he stammered.
By now, Ed was so messed up- both from the intoxicating amount of donuts he had inhaled and from Al adopting a hobo lifestyle. And now he had just observed his commanding officer having a literal seizure over a puppy game. Could this day get any worse?
BAM! The door to the store smashed into the wall as it was thrown open forcefully. Envy came stomping in, his eyes glowing with red hellfire, his hands clenched into fists, and his jaw set in the most disturbing, insanity inducing grin that had ever been seen on earth or in hell.
�Oh yeah, there�s that,� Ed said to himself quietly. Thinking fast, he shoved all of his glazed donuts into Roy�s hands. �Here, you can have these,� he said hurriedly before running toward the back of the store.
Roy was so embarrassed/confused/still mentally intoxicated from the GameBoy game that he didn�t think why Edward might have given him the donuts in such a hurry. Normally, he at least would have made sure that there were no laxatives in them, but instead he absentmindedly raised one to his mouth to eat it.
Envy�s hand latched onto his wrist right before Roy was about to bite the donut. One look at Envy�s face was all it took for Roy to know that he was screwed.

Edward flinched when he heard Roy�s screams of terror. But he kept on running. He burst into a closet and slammed the door shut behind him, locking it. He breathed out a sigh of relief.
He stood there for a few minutes. The screams stopped. A minute or two later, a strange scrabbling noise started at the bottom of the door, but it soon stopped. Just as Edward was beginning to work up the courage to peek out the door to see if it was safe, a lightbulb hanging above his head went on.
Ed looked up. �Huh, that�s strange�� he suddenly noticed that the lightbulb didn�t seem to have a switch for it.
There was a flash of light as Envy transformed out of his amazing lightbulb form of awesomeness. There were donut crumbs all over him, as well as pieces of the blue cloth from Roy�s jacket stuck between his teeth, which Edward realized were very, very pointy.

�Hello, shrimp.�

Dun dun dun! Cliffhanger!



--------------------A short time ago, at a Best Buy not far from here, the workers have never quite been the same since that terrible day. The day that- oh, never mind. You know what happened.
The mental damage all began when one worker found a man hiding under the CD shelf in the fetal position, in nothing but his underwear and with nasty looking bite marks all over him. Shreds of his clothes were all over the place, and looked like they had been torn about by some crazed, savage beast. The beast in question was now giving Edward the most horrific beating of his life inside a broom closet in the back.
Next, another employee found a large suit of armor in hobo attire camping out in the anime aisle.
And lastly, a man with a scar on his forehead ran into the store, screaming hysterically, and then proceeded to run over to a large plasma screen TV and press his face against it. He began singing the theme song to �Chitty chitty Bang Bang,� which made no sense since the movie that was playing on the TV was �Forrest Gump.�

Back in the closet�
�ARRRGGHH! NOOO! NOT THE FACE, NOT THE FACE!!! WAIT, STOP! THAT�S NOT SUPPOSED TO BEND THAT WAY- wait, it�s not supposed to bend at all! YEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKK!�
Edward was clawing at the walls, trying his darndest to somehow get out. He was too scared and mentally deranged to remember that he could just alchemize a hole in the wall to escape through.
Right before Envy was about to bite Edward�s flesh arm off, the door was ripped off of its hinges. Scar lunged into the closet, a crazed look in his eyes. Screaming: �RUN, FORREST! RUNNN!� he grabbed Envy and squeezed him in a bear hug, all the while screeching: �HOW COME MAMA ALWAYS SAID LIFE WAS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES?! HUH?! HUH?!"
Envy finally snapped out of the shock of the moment and slapped Scar across the face. �Gettoff!�
Scar fell backwards on the ground and passed out.
This whole distraction gave Edward just the time he needed to take Scar�s advice and run. Sprinting through the store as fast as he could, he searched frantically for a place to hide. Spotting a suitable one, he dove under the CD rack.
Edward slowly realized that something large and warm was underneath him. It was making whimpering sounds. It was also elbowing him in the face repeatedly. After carefully analyzing all of this evidence, Edward came to the realization that-
�OMGWTF?!?!!1!one!one� Edward yelled out random letters, numbers, and punctuation marks. After doing that, he got off of the �object�, which was Roy (Roy is NOT AN OBJECT! He has feelings too!) and wondered where on earth Roy�s clothes had gone. Remembering the pieces of cloth stuck in Envy�s teeth, Ed shivered with horror! Terror! Extreme disturbment! as he wondered what Envy had done to Roy to make him like this. Deciding that it was best not to know, he made himself content with poking Roy in the back and making him scream.
Suddenly, Edward noticed a small objects laying on the floor next to Roy. It was small, round, and shimmered in an otherworldly way. It had a hole in the middle.
Ed scratched his head and tried to remember where he had seen such an object before. It was on the tip of his tongue, he almost had it-
He abruptly remembered what this whole trouble was about: �DONUTS!� DUN DUN! *Insert Jaws theme song here* Thinking fast, Ed grabbed the donut, hoping against hope that Envy�s keen donut senses hadn�t yet picked up the donut on his donut radar. Wow, who knew that the word �donut� could be repeated four times in one sentence?
The scene shifted into �Dramatic Flow-mo Mode� as Ed whipped his head around, looking for somewhere to put the accursed donut of destruction.
Just then, Envy came stalking down the CD aisle, his face terrible to behold. �ME SMELL DONUT!� he bellowed. The walls shook.
Ed figured that if Envy was starting to act like the Hulk, things were going to get very bad for him. Very fast. So he did what he knew was right- he shoved the donut in Roy�s mouth and ran.
Edward put his fingers in his ears so he wouldn�t hear the screams.
Just then, he conveniently remembered that he could use alchemy, and so he made a little door in the wall near him. Climbing in, he shut the door behind him and alchemized it away. And so he waited.

Ed woke up a while later. There was silence outside the door. Envy must have gone to other places to kill some innocent pedestrians. He made another door and got back out of the wall. All of the employees had fled.
Just to make sure he was really safe, Ed crept around the store to check. He spotted Scar�s unconscious body in the corner. He was muttering something about a guy named Bubba.
Al no longer was hoboing it up in the DVD section- the store people had kicked him out after realizing that he had used warranty certificates to start his campfire.
And finally, Ed had to put his hand over his mouth to keep himself from screaming with laughter when he saw Hawkeye (when did she get here? I don�t know- *throws down convenient plot hole*) sitting against the wall with Roy in her lap, holding him, rocking back and forth and singing �Hush Little Baby�.
Edward was making so many giggly snorty noises that it wasn�t long before Hawkeye spotted him. With a deadly calm look on her face, she reached for her gun and pointed it at Edward�s head. �See you in h***, Edward.�
Ed decided that maybe it was time to leave.

Ed was walking innocently down the street, all of his previous worries a thing of the past.
Except for the bullet hole in his leg. Luckily, Ed had lunged to the right, so Hawkeye shot him in the metal leg. How on earth the bullet had gone through the leg was a mystery Ed would never know. Maybe Winry did a crappy job fixing it last time.
For a moment, Ed wondered what had become of Al. The truth was that as he had been loitering outside Best Buy, a talent agent spotted him and signed him to play Briareos in his remake of �Appleseed�. Unfortunately, most people didn�t like the idea of a macho commando being played by a pre-pubescent fourteen year old. And so Al quickly reverted to his hobo ways.
But all of that is another story.
Ed found himself suddenly and completely distracted from life as he spotted a random carnival off in the distance. Having had lost his bounty of donuts to the savage appetite of Envy, Ed felt the sugar deprivation settling in. He staggered onward, gasping for air. Suddenly the ground started to spin. Ed was thrown off balance and crashed to his knees.
�Hey! Get off the Merry go round, you punk!� The fat ride attendant grabbed Ed by his shirt as the merry go round was coming around, and tried to yank him off. But Ed had somehow managed to get his braid caught in the stirrup of one of the horses, and the ride pulled him out of the operator�s grip. �WHyyy is thIS HAppenING to ME?!� Ed screamed, his voice getting louder and fading as the contraption dragged him around and around and around. Ed�s torment finally ended when the ride was over some five minutes later. By then, there was a rut a foot deep circling the merry go round formed by Ed�s body being dragged over the ground.
Ed untangled his braid, brushed himself off, and blew up the ride.
Whistling merrily, he trotted to the nearest cotton candy stand and used the money he had stolen from Roy's pants (which had been ripped apart by Envy at Best Buy, remember?) to buy what was quite possibly an illegal amount of sugar. But then again, what most people deemed �illegal� was what Ed deemed �necessary for life�.
Edward sighed with content as he felt the sugary sludge being absorbed into his bloodstream and clogging his arteries. Ah yes, it was good to be alive.
The next few minutes were a blur. Looking back on them later, Ed could vaguely remember a pretzel, a Guess-Your-Weight game, and a pony ride gone horribly, horribly wrong.
The sugar rush ran its course, and Ed was soon back to normal. As he was strolling along casually, something arrested his gaze. Ed stared in consternation at the completely random palm tree that was growing right in the middle of the path.
Acting quickly and with stealth, Ed transmuted his arm into a knife and poked at the tree. �Tsk tsk- Envy, that is your worst disguise yet.� But then he heard a voice calling out from behind him-
�No it�s not! This is!� Envy was standing over by a midway booth, wearing no disguise except for a pair of plastic glasses with an attached moustache.
�And you are?� Ed asked.
Sighing with exasperation, Envy took off the glasses and threw them at some random old man. �It�s me, you turd!�
Ed�s eyes widened as he recognized his old nemesis. �Eeek!� He wasted no time in turning and sprinting as fast as he could-
-right into the trunk of the palm tree. He was knocked out cold.
Envy walked up to the tree and patted it fondly. �Thanks, bro.� He stared down at Ed. He hadn�t really meant to go after Ed- at least not until next Tuesday. But this sudden turn of events left him with only one option�

The Aftermath

Case File Number 286752Z:

�Scar� (no last name):
Confined to a mental facility for rehabilitation. Is not permitted, under any circumstances, to view any movies starring Tom Hanks or featuring any mode of transportation endowed with artificial intelligence. This includes �Herbie� and �Chitty Chitty Bang Bang�. Exposure to donuts without sprinkles will result in numerous fatalities.

Alphonse Elric:
Sentenced to 25 minutes of community service under the charges of loitering, destruction of warranty material, and refusal to remove his suit of armor while in the courtroom.

�Greed� and Dante:
Sent to Central Hospital to await medical treatment.

Colonel Roy Mustang:
Found in a state of hysteria at a retail store. Evidence found of inflicted physical and mental torment by suspect �Envy�. Interrogation is pending, as First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye has so far refused to let go of him.

First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye:
Suffers from a gun complex.

Edward Elric:
Discovered nailed inside a crate of shrimp that was shipped to Puerto Rico. Elric exhibited homicidal tendencies and had to be restrained and tranquilized. Is currently being shipped to the US aboard a helicopter to await questioning and therapy.

�Envy�:
Still at large.